Fourth Of July Safety Tips For Humans

Tips For Staying Safe This Fourth Of July Weekend

Each year, the ASPCA releases a list of Fourth of July Safety Tips for Pets. I 100% appreciate this list, because, in general, I like dogs more than people. But I think the ASPCA may be giving us a bit too much credit here — while a list for pets is super helpful, I think we also need a similar list for humans.

Pet Tip: Do not apply any sunscreen or insect repellent product to your pet that is not labeled specifically for use on animals.
Human Tip: Do not forget to apply sunscreen to all of your body parts, even the ones covered by clothes. Otherwise, this could be you.

Pet Tip: Always keep matches and lighter fluid out of your pets’ reach.
Human Tip: Always keep matches and lighter fluid out of your drunk friends’ reach. Yeah, it sucks to be the semi-sober person lighting the grill, but it’s better than burning down your whole apartment complex, right?

Pet Tip: Keep your pets on their normal diet.
Human Tip: Accept that you will not eat your normal diet for the next three days. Unless your normal diet consists of excessive amount of sausage, peppers and onions, kielbasa, and beer. If so, just carry on. Otherwise, let your diet go out the window and enjoy yourself. You may just want to skip the scale come Monday…and maybe stock up on antacid.

Pet Tip: Do not put glow jewelry on your pets, or allow them to play with it.
Human Tip: Do not put glow jewelry on your person, because you are not a sixteen-year-old girl at a One Direction concert.

Pet Tip: Keep citronella candles, insect coils and oil products out of reach.
Human Tip: Keep citronella candles, insect coils and oil products out of reach, not because ingesting them by accident will likely kill you the same it would kill your pet, but because none of that shit works anyway, so just save your money.

Pet Tip: Never use fireworks around pets!
Human Tip: Never use fireworks around booze! But seriously, there’s always like 80 stories on the 5th of July about some moron that blew off his fingers trying to light off a Roman candle after doing 10 red-white-and-blue shots and this year you don’t want that to be you. Just ask Jason Pierre-Paul.

Pet Tip: Loud, crowded fireworks displays are no fun for pets, so please resist the urge to take them to Independence Day festivities.
Human Tip: Your obnoxious, loud, drunk friend Ben will make the 4th of July parade no fun for the other people, including small children and pets, around him, so please just leave him at home. Perhaps put out a bowl of water for him, just in case he gets dehydrated.

Pet Tip: Never leave alcoholic drinks unattended where pets can reach them.
Human Tip: Never leave alcoholic drinks …oh screw it, I’ve got nothing. Drink up, my friends, and Happy Fourth of July!

But seriously, I don’t really give a shit about you, but I care about your dog, so no matter how blasted you get this 4th of July, just be sure to take care of Fido.

[Pet Tips via ASPCA]

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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