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It’s a sweet spot. Sometime after your first friend’s wedding where everyone inevitably gets too drunk and figures out how they’re supposed to act at said events, the other shoe drops. One by one, your single friends start getting picked off by marriage. And all of the sudden, the few remain and everyone starts looking awkwardly around the room like, “Alright, who’s next?”
If you’re sitting there with a long-term girlfriend thinking, “No no, I’ve totally got time,” then I suggest you never look at your girlfriend’s group text where you’re clearly getting flamed for taking too long. And if you’re single with a disposable income and a queen-size mattress that’s too big for you, enjoy it while you can.
Because there comes a time when everything you say gets scrutinized. And it’s pretty fun to take advantage of, if you ask me.
These are the worst things you can possibly say when she’s expecting a ring in her near future.
“Why don’t you get a manicure this weekend?”
Location: via Text.
Time: 4 p.m., Friday
I say this with the utmost regret in my voice, but the most important thing on Instagram besides the ring is her nails. The last thing you want is your now-fiancée’s Instagram post getting screenshot only because her cuticles look like yours.
There’s a contingent of people who have been known to get regular manicures nearly every weekend. You know, just in case. “You can’t be too safe,” they’ll say to their friends behind their back. Suggesting that they do so is not only misleading but downright maniacal. If she’s going to blow $20 + tip to get crammed into a generically-named nail establishment on a Friday afternoon, she better go to sleep Saturday night with a champagne buzz and a ring on it.
“Don’t forget the ring.”
Intended to be done in the most nonchalant way possible. Perhaps just after putting on a sweater over your button-down, or while patting down your Barbour jacket just before hitting the lights for the night.
And with a whisper, you unleash it on her unsuspecting ears. Her head will snap toward you with a “what-the-fuck-did-you-just-say” look on her face, only for you two follow up with, “Oh, nothing.”
Yes, she’ll prod you for more information but saying nothing will, in fact, say it all.
“I’ve gathered everyone here today because…”
Time: Just after ordering drinks.
You wait until there’s a lull in the conversation. Perhaps everyone’s looking at the appetizers or silently wishing they would’ve stayed in on a Friday night rather than split a $400 group dinner for no reason. But either way, you need to readjust in your seat just before dropping it.
“I’ve gathered everyone here today because…” you begin before readjusting in your seat. And all of the sudden, the entire fucking restaurant nearly snaps their necks looking at you. You know, only for you to let out a hearty laugh and shake your head as if it’s still months (if not years) off.
“[Insert friend’s name], hand me the ring.”
In order to pull this off, you must be properly seated at a group dinner with a collection of your best friends. If it’s a new group that you’re just getting used to, it will be obvious you’re making a joke. In order to really sell it and get on her bad side, ensure you’re with some day ones.
Just when the lights in the restaurant seem to be at their lowest and the dessert wine starts flowing (Beaumes de Venise, obvs), you tap your friends on the elbow and say it loud enough for the rest of the table to here. She’ll react in one of two ways – either excitement or complete and utter dismay that you’re doing it *gasp* in a restaurant. And it’s at that exact moment that you grab your friend by the shoulder and let out a unison gut laugh just before sipping that sweet, sweet Côtes du Rhône and sleep on the couch for the next week.
Pretty much anything at all.
Hell hath no fury like a bridesmaid who’s never a bride. There’s a reason the phrase is “Happy Wife, Happy Life” and not “Ringless Girlfriend, Happy Life.” All of her friends are waiting and no one wants to have crow’s feet Photoshopped out of their wedding photos. .
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