======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve got a son on the way, and I am pumped. I’m sure I’ll get tired of the diapers and the lack of sleep, but I am excited to take on parenthood and all the joys that come with being a dad. I’m also super excited that I now have someone that I can blame everything on. When it’s just you and your wife, it’s hard to get away with anything around the house. If she didn’t do it, then you definitely did. Now she has to decide if she’s going to blame me or my son. We all know who she is still going to blame, but I can at least try to pretend all this stuff wasn’t me.
My Farts
You knew this one was coming, so let’s start off with it. There are times when I am in my own house where I need to relieve myself of gas. This is a natural human process. There are also times where my wife is sitting right beside me and does not appreciate my bodily function. It’s tough to blame this on the dog because a dog’s gas carries its own unique scent. However, babies can make quite the stink, so this is going to be an easy one to pin on my son.
Canceling Plans
I am a nice person, and I have a hard time lying to people. I would rather just say yes sometimes than come up with an excuse for my no. That is all about to change. I really don’t want to go to the brewery with that one couple on Saturday, but how will I ever get out of it? Oh yeah, that’s right, baby stuff. Sorry y’all, baby stuff, you wouldn’t understand. Got invited to play golf but can’t stand that one guy in the foursome? Sorry, can’t do it, baby. Nobody can ever get mad at me for canceling plans to spend more time with my child. It’s a guaranteed win.
Work Performance
Those 7:30 a.m. conference calls can be absolutely brutal. “Did Delph fall asleep again?!” Sorry guys, I have a kid now and it totally kept me up all night. Well, I was actually playing Fortnite until 2 a.m. BUT let’s just pretend I was up with the baby. I’m a new dad, cut me some slack.
Debt
We all love our student loans. Mine wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t try to chase a D3 hoop dream. Even though I brought this upon myself, I think I will call Great Lakes and let them know that I will never make another student loan payment again because I am a father now. I just can’t afford them anymore, sorry. If they have a problem with that, I’ll suggest they transfer my debt onto my son. He can just pay it off later. It’s the least he can do when he’s going to cost me over $200K in the long run. What an asshole. I still love you though!
Gaining Weight
I always thought that working from home meant that I would stop eating out and do a better job of eating healthy. Not only do I still eat out all the time, but I can also sit and snack all day. If I have a kid, maybe I just don’t have time to eat correctly? I’m totally ordering pizza because I’m too exhausted to cook, definitely not because I’m a fatass that loves pizza. They call it a dad bod for a reason, right?
If I could only teach my child one thing, it’s to never accept responsibility for anything and always blame it on someone else. It’s time to lead by example..
Respond
@delph_13
@gdelph13
gdelph
Calling out of work to take care of a sick kid, even if the kid isn’t sick, no one questions that.
There are a lot easier ways to lie about being sick than having a kid. Last week I told my boss I had an unfortunate shaving accident and couldn’t put pants on. No details required.
Or you can just not make up insane stories and say you’re taking a sick day. Nobody needs the details. A good lie is a concise lie.
K.I.S.S.
Keep it simple stupid. Best advice I ever gave.
What about alcoholism? Also get a puppy or little cat. They go great with kids
Hate to break it to you but when kids are really little and only eat milk or formula, their farts just smell like either milk or formula.
Can confirm. Wait until they start solid foods. Then it gets real.
Also can confirm. He’s three months old and still smells like milk 24/7.
Based on my experience, you have three years to blame farts on the kid. Mine is three and a half, and she will let you know if she feels she has been unjustly accused of doing anything. (She will also announce that she has just farted 9 times out of 10, so you’ll have to explain why the kid didn’t immediately take credit.)