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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Slater

by Sep 18, 2017
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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Slater

Hola from Espana! If you listen to “Don’t Take It From Us,” you know that I’m on a European cruise and probably thought that I wouldn’t be writing “Five People” this week, didn’t you? But I’m a dedicated sort and I kind of love you people so here we are.

Now, I do need to preface this with a disclaimer: I am writing this on Sunday evening, Spanish time, which is Sunday afternoon for you guys. Therefore, if anything disastrous happens during Sunday football (which I’m praying I can somehow watch), at the Emmys, or just in general, it wouldn’t be included here. So don’t give me any crap, okay? I’m on vacation, people…a fact that also means I don’t have much to complain about. You know who else isn’t complaining? My room steward, despite the fact that she has every right to: she’s from the Caribbean and her family’s home was damaged by Irma. So here’s my weekly plug to make a donation to help with relief efforts from Irma and Harvey; you all know how to give to the American Red Cross by now, but so I’ll highlight Oxfam, which is focusing on recovery in the Caribbean.

Alright, back to my regularly scheduled snarkiness.

Mario Lopez

I’m not sure if there could be a more emasculating headline than this: “Mario Lopez Assaulted At Vegas Spa, Cops Called.” Vegas strip? Sure. Vegas casino? 100%. Vegas spa…eh, what?

Well, here’s the scoop: the artist formerly known as A.C. Slater was in the spa at Planet Hollywood on Friday when he bumped into a guy while leaving the restroom. Lopez said “excuse me” to the bumpee, who apparently didn’t care that he was in the presence of Saved By The Bell greatness, and flipped the fuck out, taking Lopez’s phone and throwing it against a wall. Police were called, but Lopez declined to press charges (probably because he didn’t want to have to recount his spa treatments for a jury), but he did have his phone replaced by the hotel free of charge. Guess Extra doesn’t pay its hosts enough that they can pay for their own phones? [Via TMZ]

Tennessee Football

As I said last week, I’m going to try and keep it to one football-related entry a week in order to appeal to the masses. This week’s slot goes to the Tennessee Volunteers, who lost their game to the Florida Gators on the final play.

According to The Bleacher Report, “for three quarters, Florida vs. Tennessee was mundane. For the next 14 minutes and 51 seconds, it was pure mayhem. And in the game’s final nine seconds, it was nothing short of magical.” Now, I have to believe that this is true since they apparently don’t watch college football in Europe. Who knew?

Anyway, the game was tied at 20-20 when Gators’ quarterback Feleipe Franks threw a 63-yard Hail Mary to wide receiver Tyrie Cleveland, who made it into the end-zone for the winning touchdown.

But you can’t feel too bad for No. 23 Tennessee, who played a part in their own demise, missing three of five field goal attempts, throwing three interceptions, and a penalty on running back John Kelly for a poorly executed mock “Gator chomp” after a touchdown.

[Via The Bleacher Report]

Kevin Hart

Another day, another celebrity sex tape. Well, kinda. But before I get to that, here’s a radical thought: if you’re doing something you aren’t supposed to be doing – like, say, cheating on your pregnant wife – don’t record it.

The latest victim in actor/comedian Kevin Hart, who issued an apology to his wife Eniko Parrish, who is eight months pregnant, and his children from his previous marriage after someone tried to extort him using a “sexually suggestive” video.

Now, to be fair, there is no actual sex on the tape. According to sources who have seen it, the first clip shows Kevin getting close to a woman at a club. The tape then cuts to a bed and while you don’t see the people in the bed, you can hear what sounds like people having sex in the room. Lastly, the 3rd clip shows two people in the bedroom, one of whom looks like the actor.

Regardless of what we see and don’t see, my guess is you don’t apologize if you don’t have something to apologize for, right?

[Via People]

Mother

Critics may have liked Mother, the new film starring Jennifer Lawrence and directed by her boyfriend Darren Aronofsky, but moviegoers decidedly did not. The film is on track to only take in $8 million over the weekend, which puts it in definite flop territory, given Lawrence’s $15 million salary and a large marketing budget.

It shouldn’t be a huge surprise, however, since the film was booed at the Venice film festival and received an F rating on CinemaScore. Hopefully, Lawrence and Aronofsky’s relationship does better than their movie.

[Via New York Post]

Me

Okay, I said I had no reason to bitch, but Tom Brady just threw for three touchdowns in the first quarter and I CAN’T WATCH IT because cruise ship internet sucks and people on boats apparently have better things to do than watch football so it’s not on anywhere onboard. Is this what torture feels like?!

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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