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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Robots And Swingers

by Aug 21, 2017
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Five People That Had A Worse Weekend Than You: Robots And Swingers

You know how low-key weekends are sometimes the best weekends? Well, that was the case for me. It’s the first of two weekends at home before crazy travel starts up again, and I spent it just getting my shit together. That may seem pretty boring, but honestly, I find something relaxing about organizing myself for the days and weeks ahead. So I was pretty happy with my weekend…at least, happier than these people.

The Chuck E. Cheese Band

There’s been a lot of conflict over certain monuments lately, but news broke with this weekend that another set of statues are in danger that I think we can all agree we need to rally around: the Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band.

The giant rodent robots that used to entertain us as we ate cardboard-like pizza at our first-grade friend’s birthday party are being removed from the chain’s locations as owner CEC Entertainment looks to update the restaurants to provide a more “modern experience.” Replacing the band will be a dance floor where rugrats can break it down with a live mascot version of Chuck E. Cheese and the menu will be revamped with the addition of gluten-free pizza and wraps. Meaning that Chuck E. Cheese is now more basic than your friend Amanda. According to CEC Chief Executive Officer Tom Leverton, the changes are necessary:

It’s the biggest thing we’ve done for the look and feel of Chuck E. Cheese for two decades. The kids stopped looking at the animatronics years and years ago, and they would wait for the live Chuck E. to come out.

It’s obvious that kids today suck if they can’t appreciate creepy animated giant stuffed animals playing today’s hits.

[Via SPIN]

Residents of Tunbridge Wells

Tunbridge Wells sounds like somewhere that uptight people would live, right? But I can’t say I particularly blame the residents for what’s got their panties in a bunch right now: a swingers festival in their backyards.

Over 500 swingers arrived in Brokes Wood in England on Saturday for something called “Flamefest,” which the New York Post says is “an al fresco skinfest featuring event a dungeon, a dominatrix-controlled “adult play area,” and erotic workshops — including one called ‘Getting Sexy with Snakes.’” You had me until snakes.

Anywho, the folks in Tunbridge Wells are pissed because they never voted to approve the event and are worried about issues such as bus parking and traffic…on top of people having crazy sex right outside their homes. Local Chris Herbert complained, “These people are coming for an orgy and it’s going to create hell on the roads as the woods can only be got to along a single track road.”

Yep, I’m thinking traffic is definitely going to be the biggest problem, Chris. [Via New York Post]

Bryant Fitzgerald

Tons of kids wait for years to become a college athlete, including Bryant Fitzgerald, a defensive back headed to Indiana University. Unfortunately for Fitzgerald, he’ll be waiting for another year because IU totally fucked up and cost him his freshman year eligibility.

The details are a little murky, but in a statement issued Saturday, athletic director Fred Glass said that school’s compliance office failed to correctly instruct Fitzgerald about his eligibility requirements. Glass went on to say:

Bryant Fitzgerald is a smart, outstanding young man who is academically prepared and capable of being very successful at IU. His ineligibility is not his fault. It is ours. On behalf of myself and everyone associated with IU Athletics, I personally apologize to Bryant and his family for our mistake. While it was an isolated and unintended one, it is no less devastating to Bryant, and I could not feel worse about it.

Fitzgerald will keep his full scholarship and will receive all student-athlete services but will not be able to play in games or practice this season. For his part, he’s being a good sport about it:

I can’t say I’d react with the same level of class this guy did. Good for him. [Via ESPN]

Dean Lovers

As I stated on Don’t Take It From Us, I was never a big fan of Bachelorette contestant Dean Unglert. Sure, he’s adorbs, but he just didn’t do it for me. However, he did for a lot of the ladies, many of whom were hoping he’d become the next Bachelor. But if an interview that he gave to Glamour is any indication, it looks like he may be a taken man as a result of his stint on Bachelor in Paradise When asked if he found love on the show, Dean was pretty straight about it:

Did I find love in Paradise? Yeah, I’ll be honest with you. I did find love in Paradise. Yeah. I don’t see any need to hide it.

Of course, he also found love with Rachel and we all know how that turned out. I guess we will just have to wait and see if Dean’s a taken man. [Via Glamour]

Blake Albert

I don’t know who Blake is, but I do know that he just got trolled by the Lawrence, Kansas police department….and everyone saw it since it was retweeted over 140,000 times.

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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