Five “The Fuck Is That?” Gifts My Mother-In-Law Bought Me For Christmas

It’s a crisp morning in December. You’ve just rolled out of bed and are working on your first cup of coffee. The dogs are barking in excitement and are almost as loud as your little cousins running around, but it doesn’t matter that it is only 7:00 a.m. because it’s Christmas. Then the wrapping paper starts to fly.

You will open gifts that you like. You will open gifts that you love. But you will also open gifts that you flat out aren’t thrilled about and that you’d rather not take up closet space in your two bedroom apartment. Generally, you know who these gifts are coming from because you’ve seen that stuff they bring to the table for years, and it is just accepted that you will not care for whatever it is they’ve brought. Sounds selfish, and ungrateful, but you’d rather just not have clutter laying around the house.

Jan is my mother-in-law (name changed to protect the subject.) I love her, but honestly I’d much rather stick to gift cards from Dunks, even if I have to open ten of them worth $3 each. However, she still uses a digital camera to take photos when she is walking around with a perfectly functioning iPhone, so I guess I should know better than to expect normalcy. Here are five head scratchers my mother-in-law gave me this Christmas.

5. Honey Sticks, Fake Pop Rocks and Pixi Stix
Obviously starting with the stockings like a normal American family does, I discovered my wife and I are still, in fact, 12 years old. Honey sticks, knock off pop rocks, and Pixi Stix. The last time I had a Pixi Stix was about the same time I started to hear locker room stories of this trendy new thing called the OTPHJ and began dreaming about days where I would experience it. We are still working on candy from Halloween so this stuff is pretty far back in the queue. Deodorant, shaving cream, and other assorted toiletries would have sufficed but what’s the fun in that?

4. Fucking Pasta
Actually, pretty bad ass. What we have featured here is one bag of “Hole In One” tri-colored pasta. A very thoughtful gift given that she knew I picked up golf this past summer. Hopefully the mac-n-cheese that this goes into will be better than my short game because let’s face it, I still leave a lot on the table when it comes to golf. Classic!

3. A Tool Apron?
In an age where a gift card to Lowes or Home Depot reigns king, the mother-in-law came through in the clutch with this relic. Who needs a leather tool belt with hardware compartments, a hammer loop and actual notches when you can just wrap and tie this bitch around your waist and get down to business? I even have a carpenter’s pencil that goes along with it. I know my costume for next year – hardware store employee. This place must have been having a grand opening or something because these items scream “handouts.”

2. Seasoning
“You’re going to want to add salt to those” is word for word the first words that came out of her mouth when I unveiled these two individually wrapped gifts. Now, I’m no Chef Ramsey, but last I checked salt was pretty crucial to a seasoning. She went as far as buying these packets, trying one of them in some tacos, experiencing the disappointment that it brought to anyone with taste buds, and then wrapping up the remaining two to present them as gifts at Christmas. She could have just thrown them in the garbage in the first place – that’s where they will end up anyways.

1. Insect Eliminating Weapon
Here we have the mother of all “what the fuck” gifts.

Mother-in-law: “I thought it was interesting!”
Me: “You’re not wrong.”

I’ve never been afraid to get my hands dirty, even when it comes to killing insects. Ultimately if I am going to use a tool to kill a fly or wasp or whatever, it’s going to be an actual fly swatter. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a one of a kind item that went to the drawing board, made it to the prototype stage, people realized it’s fucking stupid, then packaged and sold the one and only copy to my mother-in-law. Although, I didn’t get any nerf guns for Christmas this year, so I suppose I could give this weapon a try.

I can’t wait to see what next year brings. Merry Christmas all!

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Mainer born and raised. Boston sports. Miller Lites. Let's get drunk and eat chicken fingers..

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