Fantasy Baseball Is For Closers

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Did fantasy football season go well for you? No? Shocker. Fantasy football is a crock of shit.

Sure, it seems fun; getting to hope every Sunday that the guys on your team find that endzone or get those 11 yards you need to clinch your match-up. But pretty soon you realize you’re just a fucking slave to your roulette table of a team. You hate yourself because your happiness depends on essentially a coin flip. One torn ACL or receiver who simply doesn’t get the ball thrown his way can derail your whole week, or even your whole season.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as hooked on fantasy football as the rest of you. However, fantasy football is just my preseason, because fantasy baseball is where the real deal closers come to win championships. Much like the sport itself, the computer version of America’s national pastime isn’t for everyone; just people who value skill and hard work ahead of blind luck.

With fantasy football, you’re at the mercy of the sports gods. Sure you may have killed it with your draft, but glass half-empty, over half that team is getting hurt this year and at least one guy is getting released. The blind luck of starting the right guy in your FLEX feels great, but that feeling doesn’t compare to how bad it is losing to the guy who picked up and started Tyreek Hill thinking he was Jeremy Hill.

Any Joe Schmo can get lucky when they rush to set the lineup they forgot about for 17 weeks in the fall. You’ve got to be a fantasy sports warrior to become a champion throughout the grind that is the MLB season. If you don’t have the mental fortitude to wake up every day ready to crunch some numbers and analyze some match-ups, then you really might not have what it takes.

Yeah, fantasy football has those tough waiver wire decisions you’ve gotta make every Tuesday morning. That’s every morning during fantasy baseball season. You’re hunting for hot prospect call-ups or that hitter who’s recent statline proves that the dude is seeing the ball like a fucking watermelon.

You’ve got to be on your A-game, day-in and day-out, because one slip up and it could tank your week match-up. Forget to put Kershaw in the lineup? You’re fucked. Didn’t see that Trout is sitting out tonight and your reserve OF hit a tank and swiped a bag? Also fucked. Started a pitcher at Coors Field? Super fucked. If you’re not on the ball with each day making sure you start hitters that are playing the Twins or starting pitchers facing the Phillies, you’re going to get left behind by winners.

Much like a hot shot stockbroker or power player in the financial sector, a expert fantasy baseball player has to see the long term percentages and goals. You’ve got to make the right buys at the right time. Close a deal for a slumping 3rd basemen that you know is about to start raking, or dump off that starter who’s about to start getting shelled on some poor uninformed dunce who thinks the guy’s Cy Young caliber year is going to continue. A true fantasy baseball closer is picking up the hot stocks on waivers and closing deals for team needs 24/7, not just once a week.

If you fancy yourself a true fantasy stud, baseball is the real litmus test. Yeah, you may punch the right buttons for fantasy football and get a couple lucky 3 TD games, but fantasy baseball snuffs out the fakes like a savvy bouncer at a college bar. Make sure you’re in a league this summer, unless you’re scared. .

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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