Now that Daniel is gone, I barely have the will to live much less watch this show. I am hoping that Wells does more dog impersonations to bring me back to life.
Before we can move on to shit that people actually care about, we have to deal with the Caila/Jared/Ashley situation. Last we saw, Caila was going to leave because she was over it (same), and Jared was trying to figure out what he should do.
Jared may be leaving with her, and I am stoked. He wants to talk with Ashley first, but Caila is like packing her shit, downloading a movie for the plane ride, and calling an Uber RIGHT NOW. If he truly just didn’t give a fuck about Ashley, he would chunk the deuce and not give a rat’s ass what she thinks or feels. When will he ever learn?
Ashley tells Jared that Caila said she didn’t like him…. I must have missed that. Can we get a flashback? She starts crying because she’s trying to protect him, but we all know she’s just trying to ruin his life because she can’t keep him as her pet. Jared decides to leave. I hope to never see his splotchy beard ever again. Applebee’s customers of Rhode Island: your dude is on his way back to serve you! Bottomless onion rings for all!
Jared leaves Paradise, without any of his bags, and jumps into the car with Caila in it. I know he’s a dude and you guys pack light and all, but like…where is his stuff….? Whatever. I don’t care- he gone!!!!!!!!!!!
Ashley composes herself, freshens up her makeup, and waits for Wells to come back from his date with Jami. It is storming outside which obviously means something bad is about to happen, and OH HEY they walk in holding hands and I feel like Ashley’s head is going to twist off exorcist style and fall right into Wells’ lap.
Nick breaks it to Wells and Jami that Jared and Caila left abruptly, so now Wells is afraid to talk to Ashley. He says he owes her a conversation, which is so gentlemanly of him and I love him even more.
So they go have a little talk, and he basically apologizes to her for going on the date without telling her. Ashley says that it doesn’t even bother her and that she is just chill. There are a lot of words I could use to describe Ashley, and rational is not one of them. She must have popped a Xanax or something because this is eerie.
Wells knows he has to decide between Ashley and Jami, but he just doesn’t know how. He thought Jami would be the safe choice since Ashley is a stage 5 clinger, but seeing her so calm and collected is making him have doubts and think maybe he shouldn’t let her go. YAS.
Back on the weird couples bed, Jami is telling Nick and his boo Jen that she is 89% certain that she and Wells are a couple and that he is done with Ashley. Lord let us pray that is not the case.
I am also very sad that Jami showed up after Daniel left, as they are both Canadian and maybe that could have worked? Miss you Daniel. Thinking of you always, xoxo.
Ashley keeping her cool is seriously an award worthy performance. She should teach Josh how this works, as homie can’t help but yell and threaten people when he’s trying to “be cool.”
The next morning it’s very awkward, and poor Wells is in the middle of this weird love triangle that he thought he would be all about, but he’s just scared. Like, any dude would be pumped that two hot girls want him, but skinny baby Wells has obviously never been in this situation before and he is completely overwhelmed. It’s adorable.
In walks Lauren H. from Ben’s season!!!!! I love Lauren H. She is a smoking hot blonde kindergarten teacher, so basically like, any dude’s dream woman.
Brett says that Lauren looks “scrumptious” and he wants to “eat her up,” and I am slightly uncomfortable. She’s not a cupcake, Brett. I hope they fall in love and Izzy gets her ass sent back to wherever she came from. Lauren & Lamp 4ever.
Before Lauren can even process what is happening, in walks Shoshanna, the Russian hooker from Ben’s season. This means two dates are happening, and one is definitely going to be Wells. I think he might spontaneously combust.
Ashley calls Shoshanna “eurotrash,” and I get it. Girl is wearing stilettos on the beach.
It’s a double date. Shoshanna and Wells, and Lauren and Brett. The date is surf lessons, which sounds like my worst nightmare. I haven’t swam underwater since like 2006, so I would not be happy about this. I would be lying on the beach with a fruity drink just like “go on without me, I’m good!”
Shoshanna seems like the girl you meet at a bar and take home, but you don’t date or take seriously. She’s basically wearing lingerie swimwear and puts off the kind of vibe that she would murder you in your sleep if you cross her. I bet she keeps a knife in her purse.
These next words are hard to type. We are taken to Evan and Carly spanking each other on the beach canopy bed and making out on top of each other, followed by a black censor being put over Evan’s crotch because he has an erection. The erection doctor has an erection. At least we know he is good at his job idk idk idk idk. I want to dig out my eyes with plastic forks right now.
Josh is bitching about everyone hating on him again, and I am not buying any of it. He is a used car salesman and his long rehearsed speeches are getting old and tired. I just do not trust him.
Amanda gets a date card for her and Josh, and she plans to talk to him about an engagement……ugh. Getting engaged to a man who hasn’t ever met your CHILDREN is super smart Amanda. Keep doing you.
During their dinner date, Amanda is the sweet perfect delusional angel that she always is, and Josh is the douchey liar hothead that he is. Josh is the boyfriend that calls you a slut and a whore if you so much as smile at the guy working the drive-thru at Whataburger.
They catch a nice firework show after their dinner, and Amanda talks about how happy she is. All of America, especially Andi Dorfman, roll their eyes and scoff at how fake this dude is. He and Robby should be friends. Considering they both have chicklets for teeth, they probably have the same dentist.
The fantastic four return from their date with all of Wells’ ladies trying to steal him away since they have to fight for him at this point. Basically, Wells is the Bachelor, and he is about to go on overnights. Wells is no ladies man, and I have no faith that he can pull this off. I can’t wait for him to call one of them the wrong name. It is bound to happen because he can’t juggle these ladies.
Next week is the finale, thank god. Toodles!
(Oh and in case you guys missed it, NICK VIALL IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR! I couldn’t be more pumped about this.).