We return to the island with sweet baby angel Vinny taking Izzy to the famous tree house to get some closure. Somehow, the most boring couple is now providing the most drama, and I am ready for it to be over.
Long story short: Vinny is heartbroken, he wasn’t expecting this, he feels blindsided, and he was hoping to leave there as a couple with her. Vinny is sad.
Izzy assures him she was sooooo into him this whole time and felt the same, but when Brett came in he basically made her lady parts feel some typa way and she felt guilty that she wanted to bang someone else.
Good for her for being honest, but like, she is willing to dump the most sincere dude there because she thinks some fuckboy is hot and now Izzy is the worst. Girl, bye.
I didn’t even know who she was at the start of this; she stayed under the radar, stole sweet Vinny’s heart, and then turned selfish. I wish she was leaving and Vinny was staying. I am sad for him. This is sad.
Her crocodile tears mean nothing to me and I hope she gets attacked by the island iguanas or something idk. Maybe she will get a really bad sunburn. Fingers crossed.
Vinny goes home, and back on the beach all of the couples are scrambling because they realize this could happen to any of them and their precious 7-day-old relationships. Gird your loins, fam, it could happen to you!!!!
I hope Grant and Lace are next. They gross me out.
The birds start going crazy and we see feet coming down the stairs. I am so nervous to see who is coming next. Oh, fuck, it’s four feet…two people!
Ugh, it’s just Jade and Tanner. Snore. Well, on the plus side it’s not Sean and Catherine whoring themselves out for the Bachelor franchise yet again, so whatever. Not the worst that could happen.
They’re just there to “check in” and also because they are contractually obligated to go. ABC paid for their wedding and now they are their slaves. Chris Harrison will be the godfather of their first child. They have no choice.
Apparently because they met and fell in love through this shit show, they are the best people to judge what couple stands the best chance of surviving post paradise and are awarding a date card to the couple of their choice.
They basically interview all of the couples and I doze off multiple times. Literally no one cares about the couples or anything that they have to say. We are here for the other psychos. Let’s move on please. Where’s Daniel?
Josh says he really wants the date card because he needs more alone time with Amanda to get to know her. Hey Josh, maybe if you stop sucking her face off you can have a conversation with her and, I dunno, GET TO KNOW HER? Just a suggestion, though. You do you.
Every single time I see Jared’s face I am more and more repulsed. He is not good looking. He has no personality. I know I sound like a broken record, but seriously, he just is not a catch. I hope I never meet Ashley in real life because we’ll have words.
As entertaining as Ashley is, I need her to go home so the Jared shit can stop. Ashley tries to sabotage Jared and Caila’s chances of getting the date card, but don’t worry guys- she turned over a new leaf and is getting over him! She doesn’t care anymore, remember?!
THEY GIVE THE DATE CARD TO JARED AND CAILA, and I am warning you now that I will be fast-forwarding through the entire thing so I hope you don’t mind.
The location is where Jade and Tanner had their first date, and I want to vomit. Yeah, I can’t watch. Sorry. Caila’s fake ass personality and Jared’s snaggle tooth just make my skin crawl, and watching them together is making me ill.
Back at the beach, Ashley is lying around in a bungalow talking about Jared. In-between her talking about how much she loves Jared, we are treated to shots of Jared and Caila making out in the ocean on their date.
In case this episode wasn’t cringe worthy enough, Carly and Evan are sitting around the pool talking about their feelings. Evan is talking about how he apparently slayed babes in high school, but we all know he is lying. An actual picture of Evan in high school:
Well, what do ya know? A date card appears for Evan and now we will be forced to watch these too grope each other and swap spit. They get to their date and it’s basically them going into some temple tunnel thing to experience some kind of ritual/rebirth. Between this and the habanero make out, the producers are just fucking with Evan, and I’m here for it.
They sit across from each other Indian style, holding hands, confessing their feelings for each other, while dripping in sweat, then pour water all over each other. I have no idea what is happening.
This is the worst episode ever. I wish it would end now and put us out of our misery.
Ashley won’t stop talking about Caila and how fake and terrible she is. We get it.
“You may be making out with him, but I can make out with his mind!” – Ashley, the most delusional wannabe Kardashian ever.
She honestly thinks that she is Jared’s perfect companion and that they are meant to be. Ashley pulls an Evan and tries to shit talk Caila to Jared and get a reaction out of him. It sort of works, because he goes off to Caila to confront her about her feelings and make sure she likes him as much as he likes her. Typical grown up shit; they’re all so mature and secure in their own relationships!
She knows that Ashley is talking shit, but smiles and giggles while she asks Jared to elaborate. She decides she is going to confront Ashley, and I hope this is when we see Caila snap and turn into the devil woman that she is.
Caila refers to her and Jared as a “we,” and I am shocked that Ashley doesn’t lunge at her throat.
Caila Girl, you need to realize that this bitch isn’t going to go anywhere because Jared enjoys the attention and she will never stop giving it to him. You need to walk away. This isn’t just like dating a guy with a psycho ex, this is like dating a guy with a stalker that he openly invites to his home.
So their anticlimactic argument ends, and so does the episode, thank God. We didn’t even get a quote from Daniel the entire hour. I almost turned it off.
A little birdy told me that next week we will be seeing Wells on the island, and I can’t wait..
Image via John Naffziger