Welcome to Bachelor in Paradise, America’s Favorite Shit Show, Week 2!
We are right back where we left off with the Chad on a rampage tearing through the streets of Mexico claiming that Chris Harrison is trying to ruin his life.
Everyone is back at the resort saying how excited they are that Chad is gone. If we know anything about Chad, it is that he is never actually gone. They shouldn’t speak so soon; we all know this is a setup for his inevitable return.
I know he’s probably all bark and no bite, but Chad is actually the last person I would ever want to piss off. Dude will dig up dirt on you. AND not only will he turn you into a laughing stock/stupid hashtag via Twitter, he will steal your girl and post pics with his tongue down her throat on Instagram. Dude is a savage. Luckily for Chris Harrison, he is divorced. He is safe.
Chad is storming away saying he is going to “Tijuana or something” and I mean, makes sense. But, there are not enough strippers and cocaine in Tijuana for Chad to ever survive. I give him a week or two, tops.
“I can’t ever be The Bachelor. What am I going to do? What am I going to DO after this?!?!” – Chad, after realizing he is nothing but a pawn in The Bachelor games and he has just been taken out by the king, Lord Harrison.
Chad is in the back of a van, still drinking, ranting about how everyone hates him. In his mind he thinks that all of the girls were “vibin’ him” which, lol, they were definitely not. Don’t worry though guys, Chad brought deli meat with him in the van. We see Chad ride off into the sunset while pouring the longest pour of tequila I have ever seen. Dude knows how to make an exit, we can give him that.
I can tell you all now, this won’t be the last time we see this dude on our TV.
Back at the beach, Leah has arrived from Ben’s season and I do not even remember her. Just a blonde wearing a choker and crop top. They are a dime a dozen.
Twin 1 calls her a “lying bitch” in her testimonial, and then it hits me. She is the rat who told Ben that his precious Lauren B. was a “phony and a fake” and then when confronted she lied to everyone and said it wasn’t her when they all knew it was. So, she is in fact, a lying bitch. A lying bitch who also got her lips done and now looks more Kylie Jenner than real human woman.
OH MY GOSH, Leah has a date card and immediately asks everyone where Chad is. How sad. A girl actually wants him but he is gone. They flash to his van driving away while we hear his infamous creepy whistle. Poor Chad. He missed his chance.
They explain what happened with Chad and she is heartbroken. These two sociopaths probably deserved each other, and now we will never know what could have been.
Everyone: Yeah Chad was an insane, psychopath with a serious drinking problem, so he was asked to leave
Leah: Damn, sad I won’t get a chance to date him!
Immediately she moved onto Daniel, which makes sense. If you can’t have Chad, Daniel is your next move. She then moves onto Vinny. Then Nick. Girl is playin’ the field which is always a bold strategy.
Amanda has a crush on Nick. Oh, boy. Nick Viall the step-daddy. I can see it actually; he is used to be the second most important man in most situations.
Oh shit, Leah asks out Nick. Everyone gets silent. Amanda gives a death stare. Nick says yes. Amanda is pissed, but you can’t tell because she is an actual angel. Bless her.
Twin 2 asks Jorge the bartender for a banana, then gets a second for Twin 1. And well, here comes the super awkward moment where they show the twins both deep throating bananas in tandem. Strong guitar solos are happening in the background, she shakes her head and throws her hair around in slow motion, birds are making a ruckus, all while Jared and Vinny just sit there watching.
“Yep, that’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the night.” – Jared to Vinny, like two boys who just saw their first porno.
Lace is sitting at the bar solo having a heart to heart with Jorge the bartender. As someone who has had their fair share of heartfelt moments with bartenders over some tequila shots, I can’t judge. Live your truth Lace.
“Grant is being super distant with me…” – Lace, not realizing that less than 24 hours before this she was choking out and straddling Chad in a hot tub.
She sends Vinny to go talk to Grant and convince him to give her a shot. This is sad. Sad, sad, Lace.
Grant goes over to her and it feels so forced and awkward. I can’t stop staring at Grant’s chin, and Grant agrees that “last night never happened” which…okay. Grant has officially settled for Chad’s sloppy seconds.
We cut to Leah and Nick’s date. They arrive at the “Festival de Margaritas,” and in true Bachelor date fashion, they are basically the only ones there. Also in true Bachelor date fashion, they awkwardly interact with the locals and make everyone uncomfortable. They kiss while standing in the ocean, and it does not look like Nick is that into it.
If you go on a date with a dude and afterwards he says it was “lovely”… you are screwed. Leah, you better aim for a different dude because he is not into it. I’m sure Daniel is still available.
Damn Daniel comes down to deliver a date card, and of course, because we need drama, the card is for Nick. Leah “can’t wait to go on ANOTHER date with Nick!” but too bad girlypop, because he asks Amanda. Toldja.
Nick emerges in a bright yellow scoop neck t-shirt, because of course he does. They head off to their date, which is just a dinner. Seriously, just a dinner. Apparently ABC used the entire date budget to pay for the Festival de Margaritas. Sad! They then go to a fire on the beach, where of course they make out. That is two make outs in one day for our boy, Nick. He is currently in the running for MVP of Paradise.
Back at the beach, Leah is having a drunken melt down. She’s crying and spilling her feelings to the producers in her testimonial, while they flash to Nick and Amanda making out by the fire.
Sarah is freaking out because there is a rose ceremony approaching and she has not yet had a connection with anyone. Poor Evan is trying to mack on her, and she’s just like “ughhhh I haven’t really hit it off with anyoneeeeee” and he’s just like “oh…” and yeah I fucking hate Evan so I don’t feel bad.
Sarah and Vinny take a walk on the beach and Izzy(?) is freaking out because she made out with Vinny the night before. Girl, you know what you signed up for. Get your shit together and go make out with someone else before it’s too late.
Carly keeps talking about what making out with Evan would be like, and I’m getting nauseous. Carly, I think you are the only human on this planet who has ever thought that. I can imagine it’s the kissing equivalent of a handshake with a dude that has clammy hands. They kiss, and well, it’s bad. Evan scampers away on the beach probably to go text everyone in his contacts that he finally kissed a girl!!!!!
Evan goes on and on and on about how great the kiss was and how he wants to do it over and over again.
“That kiss……was SO terrible. I don’t understand how this man has two children. Like he can’t even get it together for a really good kiss.” – Carly
She claims that even though it was a terrible kiss, she is still attracted to him and now I am questioning her sanity. (Side note: what is wrong with Carly’s eyebrows?)
Lace and Grant are walking down the beach holding hands and Lace asks Grant if he likes her. He says he does and he is going to “look past” the Chad thing. They make out on the beach, and I am sure Lace is already doodling “Mrs. Handsome Squidward” in the diary that her court appointed therapist assigned her.
I can tell by watching Grant flirt that he is a fuckboy. But knowing our girl Lace, that probably only makes him more desirable to her. They crawl into bed together and Lace covers up the camera directly facing Grant’s bed with a blanket. This can’t end well. And of course, we get to hear the sounds from the bedroom. Along with the sex noises and sounds of zippers being unzipped, etc., we see two crabs presumably getting it on. The editors of this show deserve an Emmy. Give them all of the Emmys.
We return to a black and white, night vision view of Grant on top of Lace. Apparently Lace’s camera shield did not work. This is probably not the first time this has happened to her.
“At least I covered the camera. What if…can you imagine….if they show…”
* Lace looks up and sees the camera is not in fact, covered *
Anddddd we cut to commercial. That was so anticlimactic.
We finally get to a rose ceremony! The guys will give out the roses and two girls will be going home. Honestly, I can’t wait for Daniel to get up there, not know the twins names, and just say “Twin, will you accept this rose?” SOMEHOWWWWWW, not one but TWO real human girls are into Jared. I still do not understand. What am I not seeing? Is he promising unlimited margs and apps at Applebees? What is his deal? I would give my rose to Jorge the bartender before I gave it to Jared.
Sarah sits with Vinny and tells him she likes him. He kisses her. It’s sweet. Izzy(?) comes and interrupts, stealing Vinny, and they make out too. DAMMIT VINNY!! Don’t be a fuckboy. Your mom would be so disappointed. Then Leah moves in on Nick to try and secure her rose and like, does not play it right. Poor thing.
“I know you’ve been through this like SO many times.” –Leah
“Only twice, but whatever.” – Nick
She pulls a Lace and asks him to look at her when he’s speaking to her. What is the deal with these bitches and eye contact? He tells her he is more into Amanda (called it), and she looks like she is going to gut him, but instead she gives him a peck on the cheek and moves onto her Plan B, Damn Daniel.
“You’re obviously very attractive.” –Leah
“I know.” – Daniel
They continue having a conversation that leaves me very confused, but I’m also in tears laughing. What did we do to deserve Damn Daniel?
“I have a lot of layers.” –Leah
“Layers? Like an onion? Are you going to make me cry?” –Damn Daniel
“You’re not like an onion then.” -DD
“I have layers like an onion. I might cry, because I’m…the…onion..?” – L
“So you’re like an orange? With one layer?” – DD
* Leah stares into the distance *
~ A real conversation by two real humans
All of the girls realize that Daniel has not made any sort of connection with any of the girls, so they all zero in on him. He referred to it as “Daniel’s Speed Dating” and jokes around with Jubilee saying, “let me get my stop watch out, annnd your time is up.” Savage.
He is a Canadian treasure. We don’t deserve him.
“The twins are not as bad as talking to a brick wall, they’re maybe like talking to a leather couch?” – Damn Daniel
Watching Daniel “speed date” with all of these women is the best part of the show all night. Everything that comes out of his mouth is gold.
“The thing is, I have standards. I’m an eagle and I’m not going to drop down to the pigeon level. If I had to just bang something tonight, it would be one of the twins.” – Damn Daniel
Leah thinks she’s safe because she attempted to dig her claws into Daniel, but little does she know he just had his own season of the Bachelor for the last 30 minutes. She gone!
Our leader, Chris Harrison, appears looking fresh as hell to let everyone know there are six roses. For those who didn’t tune in last week, if one twin gets a rose, the other automatically gets to stay.
Here is a rundown of what happened:
Grant gives his rose to Lace. They already porked so no surprise here.
Nick gives his rose to Amanda. No comment.
Evan gives his rose to Carly. More terrible kisses in their future. Fuck this guy.
Jared gives his rose to Twin 1. So Twin 2 stays as well. #twinning!
Vinny gives his rose to IZZY(?) Vinny is a fuckboy.
And finally, our favorite Canadian. Daniel gives his rose to SARAH! Oh my god. He has a heart. I want to cry.
So, Jubilee and Leah are going home. I won’t miss either of them.
Juju is pissed that a guy would go for identical twins instead of her. LOL um…girl. C’mon.
Leah cries in the limo. Can we all take a moment to think about what would have happened if Chad were never sent home? Leah, girl, slide up in those DMs. He’s waiting for you.
Nick is so excited for his future with Amanda and to see where it goes. We all know what that means…..
In comes my boyfriend, Josh Murray.
For those newbies, Josh and Nick were the final two on Andi’s season of the Bachelorette. Andi got engaged to Josh and broke Nick’s heart. Obviously, Andi and Josh did not get married, as he is now on this trash show. Bless him. And thank you for dumping him Andi. He is ours now.
Josh is perfect, and if you think otherwise, that’s fine because more for me then. He is a 10.
He walks in, and of course all of the girls’ panties drop and basically bury themselves into the sand. All of the girls who are coupled up are like “FUCKKKKK.”
The future Mr. Slayla has a date card, and since I am not on the island, he starts talking to all of the girls trying to get a feel for who wants to take.
“Josh and I don’t have a ton in common…besides our taste in women.” – Nick about his Eskimo bro, Josh
Josh tells Carly he wants to ask out Amanda, and Carly tells him that she just had a date with Nick. That basically turns Josh on, so he asks her out on his date. Amanda is the Josh of the women on this show. These two basically belong together because they are both too pretty to be with anyone else.
I can’t help but think that listening to Josh talk to Amanda, he sounds a hell of a lot like a used car salesman.
“So what do you do for fun?” -Josh
“Well, I have two daughters…” – Amanda
“Oh nice, nice, awesome. Well, it sounds to me like you would be a great fit with our 2016 Chevy Tahoe!” – Josh
So Josh basically interviews every lady there, then comes over to the couch where they’re all sitting to break the news about who he is choosing. They all water at the mouth while staring at his perfectly chiseled jaw line, and then he asks Amanda. In the corner somewhere, Nick takes out his Josh voodoo doll and starts viciously stabbing at its crotch with a seashell he sharpened into a spear.
So on Nick’s date, they go to dinner. On Josh’s date, they go on a fucking sailboat.
I previously said that Nick was looking to be our Paradise MVP, but now, it’s not looking too hot.
Back at the resort, Daniel asks Nick “aboot” the book that Andi wrote about her time on the Bachelorette. Of course, there is mention of himself as well as Josh, and the stuff about Josh is apparently aggressive and disturbing. I refuse to believe it, but whatever.
Amanda confronts Josh on the sailboat about the stories that Andi wrote about him, and honestly, it’s like I am back listening to Robby talk to Jojo about his ex girlfriend. I love ya Josh, but you need to own your shit. He is so rehearsed in his reply to her, it’s like his publicist wrote this down and he memorized it to repeat when someone asked. And Amanda believes it all. Oh, honey.
Nick claims that everything Andi wrote about him was accurate, so it is only fair to assume the same about what she wrote about Josh. BRB downloading this book on my Kindle.
Cut to Nick walking down the beach alone with sad piano music playing in the background while he talks about how sad he is that Amanda is still out with Josh. While he is spilling his heart, we see Josh and Amanda snorkeling and having the time of their lives, falling in love. Again, this editing needs all of the Emmys.
Evan wants a date card so he can take Carly out and “ride horses on the beach!” Carly is telling everyone about how bad the kiss was. She even uses his own shit against him and claims that he “gives her erectile dysfunction” and she wants to stay away from him.
So of course, he gets a date card. And asks her out.
Why does his voice go up 10 octaves when he talks to girls?
“I’m in paradise, I was just asked out on a date, and I should be excited, but I’ve never wanted to NOT go on a date before in my life. I hate everything that is happening right now.” -Carly
“I have feelings for Carly and I am SO EXCITED about tonight!” –Evan
“I am definitely not excited. Every part of me is not excited.” – Carly
They walk into a pavilion full of people cheering and clapping for them, with Chris Harrison holding a microphone. This. Is. Amazing.
Chris Harrison tells them that they are going to attempt to break a world record. Not just any world record, but the “longest habanero kiss” world record. So basically they have to both eat habanero peppers and then make out for at least 90 seconds. Who comes up with this shit? I would rather eat the entire plate of habanero peppers, the plate they are on, and Chris Harrison’s hand, than make out with Evan for even 1 second.
They attempt it, and when they pull away, there is a long, gross, stream of spit between them. I want to vomit.
Carly goes into the bathroom and actually vomits.
“Just to set the record straight. I threw up not just from the pepper…but also from the kiss” – Carly
Back on the beach Jared and Twin 1 are struggling to connect. Twin 1 doesn’t understand why Jared hasn’t kissed her yet because she “has really big boobs.” Watching them talk physically hurts me. She asks him what his favorite number is. Like, you aren’t 10. Grown ass people do not have favorite numbers.
Josh and Amanda come back and Nick jumps at the chance to speak with Josh about the drama. Josh is one cocky mofo and basically tells Nick they had a great time and he can step off cause the girl is his. They then kiss in front of him while Josh basically makes eye contact with Nick. He is making moaning noises and everything. C’mon dude, she has kids. Don’t be pervy.
Everyone is uncomfortable and Nick is sad. End scene.
Stay tuned for more tomorrow, as this shit show is on twice a week. Godspeed..
Image via YouTube / ABC