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This is a cautionary tale. Not one you should take lightly. Through every young man or woman’s life, they face adversity. The type of adversity that changes them – inside and out – forever. History, while not kind to those affected, cannot be scrubbed of this tale or others like it.
A long time ago (read: 2014) on a lake far far away (read: Lake Michigan), a young man made a grave mistake. With a stomach full of alcohol, a sunburned forehead, and windblown hair that would make even Captain Ron envious, he took to the high seas with an iPhone in his pocket. While pushing off from the dock, he decided it to be prudent to stall for just a few seconds. But during that stall, his world came crumbling down.
As it turns out, holding onto a dock while a large boat begins departing the port is a bad idea – even more so when your feet are firmly planted on said boat. Before you know it, your body acts as a bride between the dock and the boat, only with less structural integrity than an actual fucking bridge. And once that bridge breaks, everything becomes fully submerged into the water. Your shirt, your shorts, your sunglasses, and yes, your phone. Everything.
But it is not what happens to you – it’s how you react to it. This, my friends, is exactly how not to react.
Do not use quinoa instead of rice in hopes of recovering it.
Or cauliflower rice. Or zoodles. Or pretty much anything that isn’t a bag of fucking rice.
Sure, at the time, it feels like a good idea. And yeah, when you’re too drunk to drive to the store and all you have in your pantry is a box of quinoa, you might justify it in your head and think it’s a good idea. But it’s not, and there’s a high chance you’re doing more damage to your phone than good by letting it sit for 24 hours in the most basic of sides. Quinoas are for taboulis; not for phone repair.
Do not put it in the microwave.
Would you put your t-shirt in a microwave when your washing machine is on the fritz? Didn’t think so. In theory, sure, a microwave should dry that thing right out of the lake water that just infiltrated it at a rapid clip. But it doesn’t, because water doesn’t just disappear when you toss it in the microwave. Like when you’re trying to heat up some Earl Grey tea to jumpstart your morning and you’re too hungover to heat it up in a kettle, you toss that mug in the microwave. Unsurprisingly, it just heats the water up rather than making it fucking disappear. I’m no Albert Einstein, but just feels like boiling the water in your phone is counterproductive.
Do not tell the truth to Apple Store geniuses.
“I have no idea what happened,” you tell them before they explain to you that it appears to have water damage. But when you counter with, “That’s literally impossible – I wasn’t tossing back Patio Pounders on a pontoon boat last weekend at all. And I definitely didn’t drop my phone in the water while I was drinking said Patio Pounders. Promise.”
Next thing you know, you’ve got Danny heading to the back to talk shit about you because he knows you’re lying. But maybe, just maybe, you catch Danny on a good day and he throws you a bone in the form of a new iPhone. You, at the very least, have a better chance of getting a new phone than you would if you tell the truth. The second you admit that you gave your shattered iPhone 6 the water treatment, it’s the Apple Store equivalent of telling Tom Cruise that you ordered the code red.
Do not buy a LifeProof case for your new phone.
The first thing people will tell you after you lose your phone to the lake is that you should invest in a LifeProof case. But I’m telling you right here and right now that you absolutely cannot stoop to that level.
A LifeProof case not only ruins your personal aesthetic but screams, “I can’t afford a new iPhone” which is just an all-around awful look. Clunky and downright passè, LifeProof cases do more damage to your personal brand than water does to your actual phone.
Do not plug it in when there is rice stuck in the charging port.
Can you imagine what kind of imbecile you’d have to be in order to plug your phone into a wall charger with rice still stuck in the charging port, thus rendering the entire charger useless? Like, what kind if fool thinks that his phone is dead from water damage when, in reality, it’s just not charging because there’s a brick wall of rice blocking it from the electric waves required to make your shit work.
Man, if I could tell that kid back in 2014 how dumb he was for pulling this stunt, I would really give him an earful.
But that kid was me.
And the phone was plugged into the same wall for 30 days.
And he carried around a notebook with people’s phone numbers in it, bumming other people’s phones off them at bars in order to make calls like he was bumming a cigarette.
But at least he had fun drinking all those Patio Pounders. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Is there a follow up article for queso damage or was that a situation just unique to you
That’s a unique situation to me, but “Everything You Definitely Shouldn’t Do When Your Phone Has Queso Damage” may be coming next week.
For all the Southerners, putting a water damaged phone in some grits works too. In case y’all aren’t as basic as Will.
This is A+ intelligence.
I am going to have to disagree with your comment on cases. As a man who has gone through the replacement process at least 3 times between junior year and my victory lap, I can tell you it is an absolute nightmare. LifeProof cases are a completely reasonable option that in my mind scream “Not going to go through this shit again.”
It’s like wearing a condom. Sure, theres a chance that thing could break but generally it can take a pounding.
A LifeProof case has helped me on more than one occasion but I hate having it on my phone. I only put one on when I know I’m going to be spending time in water (aka Vegas pool clubs and the ocean/lakes). You can toss your phone in your pocket and not worry about it the rest of the time.
I originally thought cases in general were a waste, until I went through 4 phones in 3 years. I hesitantly started using an OtterBox when the iPhone 5 came out, but realized once I started with the 7plus, that it would be too cumbersome, the LifeProof was a major improvement. All things considered (business travel schedule, drinking habits, general recklessness on the weekends) the LifeProof was a necessary evil.
pssst…. the iPhone 7 is water resistant
pssst…… not water proof. Big difference
I’ve dropped mine in a sink of water and a bucket full of sudsy water washing my car, still works great.
yeah, I’ve had mine since the release and its been dropped in sinks, the shower, and used in torrential downpours. Still works like new.
Can confirm that it is “entire glass of wine followed by being run under the sink for a minute”-proof though
Yeah I take mine in the shower and have have spilled drinks on it with no issue but if I’m gonna have my phone in my pocket all day in water I’d rather not risk it. I’m living the 7plus no case life and I already dropped it and got scratches on the bezel and a minor crack in the screen so I’m gonna have to go back to cases soon but I prefer see through minimalist cases combined with a glass screen protector. Not a bulky lifeproof or otterbox.
I have to disagree with you on this point, Will. Lifeproof cases while a little pricey, are a solid investment. I slapped a Lifeproof on my 4s in 2011, and when I retired it in late 2015 the phone didn’t have a scratch on it. The only thing is, once the rubber starts to wear on the corners the water integrity will begin to suffer. As in, it will still be good to take underwater pool selfies with you and your boys sitting at the bottom of the pool in pool furniture, but not so good that you can leave it sitting at the bottom of said pool for two hours because it overheated on the searing hot concrete while streaming music.
Am I the only one who doesn’t know what a Patio Pounder is?
With absolute certainty I can tell you that putting your phone in rice does not do anything for an iPhone. The same phone that “was saved” by putting it in rice for 24 hours would have worked after 24 hours of just leaving it off. The best thing to do when your phone gets wet is to immediately turn it off with hard reset by either holding power and home button for 10 seconds or the power button and lower volume button for 10 seconds if you have an iphone7/7+. After that open up the pone by taking out 2 screws next to the bottom and open up the phone. Wipe all surfaces clean with a paper towel and then use rubbing alcohol on a Q-tip to dry out any excess water stuck on the components inside phone. I like to finish it off by briefly using a hair dryer on low and then letter the phone sit open overnight and reassemble in the morning.
Source: Fixed many iPhones in college, still do it on the side for bar money
Probably what I would tell people too if they were giving me bar money to fix it
If you have quinoa and don’t also have rice in your pantry you’re just a tool(Will deFries)
I’ve broken more phones with a LifeProof on than I have just letting my phone be naked. I hate them. People think, “Oh, I’ll just throw it 10 feet away from you in the pool, it’ll be fine.” It’s not. Now I keep my phone case less and everybody is afraid to touch it. I don’t even need a password now. Also, good use of the word “passè.”
Living without a phone case is truly living. But I can’t handle the anxiety for more than a few days
A LifeProof case is an absolute must if you spend any amount of time on the water. Accidents are bound to happen and its fiscally irresponsible to continually pay to replace a phone
Do it for the content
I put my Samsung in the oven on the lowest setting possible for 10 minutes and it came back to life. That was after rice failed me for the first time ever. So relieved.
Your what?