Every Line In A Guy’s Bumble Bio Profile That Makes Me Cringe

Every Line In A Guy’s Bumble Bio Profile That Makes Me Cringe

Online dating is hard. As a girl, there are a few driving forces behind signing up and using dating apps. Those are exclusively A) to boost your confidence and B) the fear of becoming an old maid. So, the times we’re not drunkenly swiping after Uber-ing home from the bars to convince ourselves we’re still desirable (even though the other half of our bed is empty tonight), we’re actually considering starting up a conversation with you.

I will also agree about it being all about the bio, especially if you’re a female on Bumble. When it’s up to us ladies to spark a flame, we need a little kindling to get the fire going. Here’s where I’ve seen guys go wrong with their dating profiles.

“Fluent in sarcasm.”
I get it. You’re an asshole.

Your Snapchat Handle
I get it. You send dick pics.

“Love traveling.”
Every time I’ve asked a guy with this where he’s been, it’s almost exclusively Spring Breaks to PCB and South Padre.

“Taller than you.”
You’re 6’4”, I’d sure hope so.

“Looking for my partner in crime / someone to go on adventures with / let’s explore!”
We’re not Bonnie and Clyde. Nor are we Tarzan and Jane. We live in America, not the Amazon. Adventures don’t exist beyond the one we go on when we try to day drink as adults and still make it out to the bars at night.

“Looking for a girl to bring to family functions so my mom will stop asking what’s wrong with me.”
…is there something wrong with you?

“Looking for someone to have an intelligent conversation with.”
These exact same guys will undoubtedly begin every conversation with “heyyyyy sup?”

No, you’re not.

Any Ron Swanson/Anchorman Quote
You love lamp? Really, you love lamp?

“R.I.P. Harambe”
He’s gone. He’s dead. It’s over. Move on.

“Looking to meet new people.”

“Love tacos, pizza and beer.”
You and every other man that has ever walked this Earth.

“Not looking for hookups.”
Yes, you are. Otherwise, you wouldn’t send me that emoji with one closed eye and it’s tongue sticking out at 2 a.m.

“Jim Halpert looking for my Pam Beasley.”
As much as I love ‘em, Jim is easily a 9 and Pam was a solid 6. She also dicked Jim around for three whole seasons.

Do you not have a lot of girls starting conversations with you? Because I could help you figure out why.

Image via Shutterstock

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My apologies to the other Robin Scherbatsky. I'll take Barney and you can have Ted.

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