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Online dating is hard. As a girl, there are a few driving forces behind signing up and using dating apps. Those are exclusively A) to boost your confidence and B) the fear of becoming an old maid. So, the times we’re not drunkenly swiping after Uber-ing home from the bars to convince ourselves we’re still desirable (even though the other half of our bed is empty tonight), we’re actually considering starting up a conversation with you.
I will also agree about it being all about the bio, especially if you’re a female on Bumble. When it’s up to us ladies to spark a flame, we need a little kindling to get the fire going. Here’s where I’ve seen guys go wrong with their dating profiles.
“Fluent in sarcasm.”
I get it. You’re an asshole.
Your Snapchat Handle
I get it. You send dick pics.
“Love traveling.”
Every time I’ve asked a guy with this where he’s been, it’s almost exclusively Spring Breaks to PCB and South Padre.
“Taller than you.”
You’re 6’4”, I’d sure hope so.
“Looking for my partner in crime / someone to go on adventures with / let’s explore!”
We’re not Bonnie and Clyde. Nor are we Tarzan and Jane. We live in America, not the Amazon. Adventures don’t exist beyond the one we go on when we try to day drink as adults and still make it out to the bars at night.
“Looking for a girl to bring to family functions so my mom will stop asking what’s wrong with me.”
…is there something wrong with you?
“Looking for someone to have an intelligent conversation with.”
These exact same guys will undoubtedly begin every conversation with “heyyyyy sup?”
“Feminist.”
No, you’re not.
Any Ron Swanson/Anchorman Quote
You love lamp? Really, you love lamp?
“R.I.P. Harambe”
He’s gone. He’s dead. It’s over. Move on.
“Looking to meet new people.”
OBVIOUSLY.
“Love tacos, pizza and beer.”
You and every other man that has ever walked this Earth.
“Not looking for hookups.”
Yes, you are. Otherwise, you wouldn’t send me that emoji with one closed eye and it’s tongue sticking out at 2 a.m.
“Jim Halpert looking for my Pam Beasley.”
As much as I love ‘em, Jim is easily a 9 and Pam was a solid 6. She also dicked Jim around for three whole seasons.
Nothing.
Do you not have a lot of girls starting conversations with you? Because I could help you figure out why. .
Image via Shutterstock
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RobinScherbatsky
My apologies to the other Robin Scherbatsky. I'll take Barney and you can have Ted.
“I’ll get on one knee for you if you get on two for me”
These all seem like things women have on their profiles that guys complain about.
I see “fluent in sarcasm” in nearly every girls profile. Not sure what guy would say that about themselves.
None. But I asked a girl who was fluent in sarcasm whether (hypothetically speaking) we would be more likely to have a successful relationship if I didn’t talk about my wife and kids on our planned date that evening. Then she blocked me.
How about “looking for a girl to sex with for about 30 years before one of us gets cancer and dies or something. I’ll buy you stupid shiny objects that were cultivated out of the ground via slave labor under harsh conditions and are essentially worthless and you can make me lunch as I go to my dead end job everyday, slowly dying of heart disease because you keep forgetting to buy low fat American cheese and come back a little more dead inside each day until I refuse treatment for some retarded terminal illness that obviously already has a cure yet is withheld from the public because they make more money treating thin gas as opposed to curing them….love traveling in my own mind since I can’t afford to actually travel, and I love being happy :)”
I’m alarmed by your comments, but I don’t want it to stop
Do you prefer ham or turkey sandwiches for lunch?
*sparks fly, your bio plays out in real time*
Honey turkey all the way baby girl
We already have an established Robin. You’re not welcome here. Get a new username.
You’re all making me feel loved today
I like how you are always the constant defender of people’s user names.
I accidentally Meh’d you – sorry. Things got pretty heated a while back when a fake Pepto Bismal showed up, thus teaching us the importance of protecting our own.
No I understand, I think it’s sweet. Luckily I think my username is too stupid for someone to steal.
DietDew, I can’t think of another time, but I second Rico.
My deepest apologies for not learning every username in my 2 days on this site.
Not tryna throw hands like cheverererere.. enjoyed your article
To the real Robin S: I like honey turkey…baby girl :)….I can say this because I’m me so no one can say shit, alright!
Ur fake stop plz
heyyyyy sup?
First – you aren’t the real RobinScherbatsky so get out of here with that poser crap. Second – my anchorman line allowed me to meet my future wife who I will be proposing soon too so back off.
Rodney, congrats on the soon to be new Mrs. Ruxin.
congrats
I had a feeling something was off.
I changed my ron swanson quote to “i like breakfast food and red-haired women” or the classic “sup?” Also it wouldnt be “Jim looking for Pam” it’d be “Ron looking for Tammy1” cause the lets face it i’m attracted to the shit shows.#datecrazylivedangerously.
Shooters shoot. Going for the double sup?
Sup right back. Bottomless margs on me if you’re even in Houston there Red.
I actually might be there during my spring break, so I’ll take you up on that.
I’ll drink to that. Keep me posted Red.
Ever* goddamn the lack of edit button.
If Jim is a 9, I’m like a 24.
Where do you stand on “able to hold my breath for long periods of time underwater”?
This is literally the best account on this site
How do you tell about “I make some bangin’ pancakes.”
Invite her over for dinner. Cook breakfast for dinner and when she’s blown away she’ll have no other choice but to stay for breakfast in the morning.
Feel* we need a goddamn edit button
So what is my bio supposed to say?
“Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.”
The more Fast and Furious quotes, the better. I’ve tried it and women love it. Great conversation starter
There are two types of people: people who like F&F movies, and people who haven’t seen F&F movies yet.
I’m part of the latter (I know, sue me.)
“I live my life 5 inches at a time” am I doing it right?