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In these uncertain, troubling times, the world looks to its greatest minds for guidance. When the world teeters on the brink of destruction and the precipice of disaster, as our most sacred institutions are torn asunder, we must turn to our scholars to lead us through the darkness. So, when renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, you know, the leading mind in general relativity, theoretical physics, black holes, the universe, and the history of time, made a virtual appearance at the Sydney Opera House last night and answered an all-important question from the audience: “What do you think is the cosmological effect of Zayn leaving One Direction and consequently breaking the hearts of millions of teenage girls across the world?”
No shit. Someone asked Stephen Hawking, possibly the smartest person on the planet, about Zayn Malik leaving One Direction. Well, I guess it’s his job as a Commander of the Order of the British Empire to calm down the raging masses.
One thing Hawking didn’t learn at Oxford and Cambridge is how to be cool…that’s something he picked up naturally, as evidenced by his answer to the question. “Finally, a question about something important,” Hawking said.
“My advice to any heartbroken young girl is to pay close attention to the study of theoretical physics. Because one day there may well be proof of multiple universes.” Hawking is a major proponent of the “many-worlds interpretation” of quantum mechanics, which implies that all worlds are not only possible, but they’re real and they exist. So there’s a world where Hitler got accepted to art school, Neo took the blue pill and spent the next two hours of the movie working in an office (it’s that universe’s Office Space), and I didn’t crap my pants on the subway.
And, of course, there’s a universe where Zayn didn’t leave One Direction, breaking the hearts of teenage girls everywhere, and one twenty-something Jewish writer in New York. “It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe—and in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction.”
Hawking went on to say that there could be a universe where “she and Zayn are happily married.” No word on if the person woke up from fainting yet, but I’m sure she’ll spend the rest of her life trying to break through the Multiversal walls to get to that universe and take out her alternate doppelganger.
Maybe there’s a universe where we go as mental over brilliant theoretical physicists as we do for teen pop sensations in this universe. Nah. That’s too far-fetched even for science fiction..
[via Vanity Fair]
Image via JStone / Shutterstock.com
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Just think, that means there is a universe where JayTas was actually fired… Those lucky bastards!
I wish JayTas would leave the internet, forever.
Get some better material you shithead.
JayTays. Who gives a shit? Even with the fire JayTays thing going on. Better to say nothing than to be a TMZ POS type writer