Don’t Take Your Office Dumps For Granted

Don't Take Your Office Dumps For Granted

Few pleasures can compare with the solace, peace and satisfaction of a necessary and completed deuce. In the rigors of your fast-paced office lifestyle, it can be just the ticket to reenergize you, clear your mind and be a more productive employee (or get back to fantasy football or reading PGP or whatever the hell it is you do at the office).

There are some people who aren’t afforded this luxury. I have a buddy out in the oil patch, and sometimes he has to do his business in the field whilst fending off rattlesnakes. There are others who can’t bear the thought of using a public facility – these people are cowards.

Outside of your perfected domicile’s water closet, the office throne is where you will do most of your non-business business. Sure, there’s none of your preferred reading material, rarely is there any incense, and you can’t drag your TV over and leave the door open. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it.

First off, seek out alternatives. My old office building shared a parking garage with a Four Seasons Hotel. TALK ABOUT SWANKY. The lobby bathrooms had individual rooms, nice toilet paper, and actual towels to dry your hands with. They were also always impeccably clean. Furthermore, the doorman would open the door to the lobby and say, “Welcome back to the Four Seasons, sir” knowing full well what I was about.

Failing that, are there multiple floors in your office? In a multi-story office building, there is always one secret heavenly bathroom. For a time I worked in a 37-story building, and for some reason the southeast bathroom on the 27th floor was great, and least-trafficked. Of course, I was never allowed into the 36-37th floor executive suite, which was complete with a shower and helipad, so I can’t claim my secret one as the best.

Ok, options exhausted. You have to use the one that everyone else uses. First of all, pick your timing. I can’t stress this enough. If you try and go at 9:30 a.m. or 1 p.m., then you’re a fucking rookie. Everyone else will have either hit their coffee cataclysm or post-lunch stomach rumbles, respectively, and you will be in a smelly, warm-seated hell.

So you’ve picked your time wisely. You must now figure out your entertainment. If you’re productive, you can print out documents to read/edit, or fire off the dozen or so emails that require a one-sentence response. Otherwise, your entertainment will have to match the length required. Instagram and Snapchat will only take up about 3-4 minutes, so if it’s lengthy you may want to save your Clash of Clans raids for this time. Some people bring headphones and watch YouTube videos, but be wary of the sensory deprivation this causes (you won’t be able to hear anyone come in and discuss that they’re firing your ass for sending emails from the can).

Finally, professional courtesy is important. You don’t microwave fish in the break room, and you don’t leave the shared bathroom in a state of contempt. Flushing multiple times throughout will help the smell and to avoid skidmarks. You should also keep several books of matches in a desk drawer. Why several? Well sometimes just a match will do the trick, and sometimes it’s such an abject disaster that you need to start a small fire in the trashcan to send everyone home for the day.

So there you have it. You are now comfortable, relieved and ready to go back to being the top-level employee that you are. HIGH FIVE wait did you wash your hands?

Image via Shutterstock

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International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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