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Do not invite me out under the pretense of a date and then dump my ass. You might think this is the best way to prevent me from causing a scene, but, bud, you are dead wrong about that one. If you break up with me out of the blue in the middle of a meal, I will either drag you across the coals or cry. It will probably be a mix of the two, and it will be loud. No fucks given. Because, contrary to how my parents raised me, being in public is not a barrier to emotional expression.
People always say that breaking up in person is the noble thing to do, but I’m here to tell you that’s not entirely the case. This is a breakdown of the etiquette of a breakup.
If you’ve been dating casually (less than two months/ just a handful of dates/ not exclusively), you don’t need to turn this into a full-blown occasion. At this stage, your best move is a short and to-the-point breakup text. If it’s because this person has done something offensive, let them know with a “Hey, this isn’t going to work out. I wasn’t cool with [insert offensive action here], and I don’t want to continue things with you.” When you call someone out for being a douche, you’re not just sticking up for yourself, this is what’s best for everyone. If you see something, say something. A true humanitarian.
But if this casual person has a decent personality that just turns you off, leave the criticism out of it. Somebody else will love all of their annoying ass qualities. So if the dude is nice, but I’m just not into it, this is my go-to: “Hey, I wanted to be upfront with you and let you know that I don’t see this going any further. I just don’t see a romantic connection, but you’re [insert two genuinely nice statements].” You’re combining the truth with a self-esteem boost. You’re practically a therapist.
If you’ve been dating someone seriously (more than two months/ exclusively/ serious feelings have been involved), things can be a little more complicated. I still argue, though, that the best way to kick this dissolution off is a breakup text. This gives the person the opportunity to process the information on their own time behind closed doors. I think we all appreciate the opportunity to lose our shit privately before confronting something publicly, so give a heads up. And then make time for an in-person follow-up (or a phone call if it’s long-distance). Not only does your bae deserve an IRL conversation, but they’re probably going to ask for it anyway. Sometimes you just have to have someone reject you to your face to know it’s real.
After talking to dudes around the office about breakup etiquette, it turns out that way too many of them think it’s acceptable to wait for a girl they’re not into to break up with them in order to avoid being the bad guy. Unacceptable. Here are my non-negotiables that you can’t talk me out of:
1) For the love of Buddha, don’t string someone along. As soon as you know it isn’t going to work out, it’s on you to break it off. Whether it’s for sex, attention, free shit, because you “don’t want to hurt their feelings,” or you’re waiting for the other person to pull the cord, dragging things out is a shit move. In my college relationship, I knew from the beginning that this was not my dude, and then I continued to date him for two more years because of, you know, attachment issues. When I finally broke up with him, he was devastated, and I was severely depressed for a year and would cry on the phone at work when I was leaving reminder voicemails for client meetings. All of this could have been avoided, y’all. Set yourself and your significant other free. ASAP.
2) Stand your ground. When they try to convince to give them a chance, but you know deep down you’re never going to feel it, shut it down. One guy broke up with me and then let me come over the next day to persuade him to give me another shot. He did. Then, he broke up with me for the same reasons 2 months later. Then, I got the $10 I owed him converted to pennies, dumped them on his porch, and texted him, “Karma is a bitch, but I am a cunt. Don’t even think about getting revenge.” He replied, “I don’t even care enough to get revenge.” Touché, my friend, touché. Again, all of this could have been avoided, y’all. Be direct. Be decisive. If they beg, hit them with an “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way.” Over and over and over again until it sinks in.
3) If the person you’re with has the potential to be a volatile psycho, and you’re worried about your safety, you are under no obligation to meet them face-to-face. I had a boyfriend in college that called me 27 times (literally) begging me to let him into my apartment to “talk,” which I was quite positive was code for murder-suicide. Even as someone who has had multiple negative encounters with the police, I still will not hesitate to call them if your crazy ass is getting out of hand.
If you don’t agree with the above, I’m open to discussion (which means, as my boyfriend knows, I’ll still probably think I’m right)..
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hannahrose
Excuse me, but I've got some shit to say. @xohannahrozay on IG and Twitter.
@xohannahrozay
@xohannahrozay
Don’t date that way you’ll never have to worry about any of this. Problem solves itself!
Sup? Oh wait…
Out of respect for you, I will FaceTime you to break up if it comes to that.
1. Thank you for giving me the exact perfect breakup words for the guy who’s perfectly fine I’m just not attracted to. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say because he didn’t do anything wrong.
2. I think it depends. If you’re calling this person your boyfriend/girlfriend and it’s are no longer in the “getting to know you” phase I think you should do it in person. You may not see anything further with them but at one point you did and out of respect for them unless they did something crazy, the least you could do is show up. I don’t get making it into a dinner or anything like that. But telling them you need to talk and you’ll be over soon (reduces shock value… the we need to talk is a shitty text to get BUT better than being caught completely off guard. I will defend this to the death) and then going to their house to tell them you’re breaking up is the way to go. That way they can deal with their emotions in the privacy of their own home. I’ve been broken up like this twice and obviously break ups suck but I know the guys did it in the most respectful way possible and can’t fault them for it.
As a guy who is consistently broken up with for basically no reason can confirm that just saying “I’m not feeling a romantic connection” is the mature and respectful thing to do. No need to draw it out or make excuses, just say in plain English you don’t like him that way. However, if you’ve previously done…things that indicated you did like him that way, be understanding if he’s confused or hurt.
It’s not for no reason. Figure out what it is and, as the great man says, improvise adapt and overcome.
Could be you aren’t going after the right girl for you.
I disagree with this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lost interest in a guy based on personality traits that are perfectly fine, just not my preference, and vice versa. Sometimes yeah, people break up because someone was rude or lazy or had bad habits or whatever. But many times it’s just basic compatibility issues that are out of our control… which is probably why dating is so frustrating.
I’ve done it over the phone/FB message/text because yes, I’ve been in that situation where breakups would NOT have gone well in person
What kind of guy is that concerned with $10 an ex gf owes him?
I had an ex send me an e-mail listing everything I owed him money for. On it was #1 from Whataburger.
At some point you have to respect that level of pettiness.
Best part, he ended up saying we broke even for owing each other money so I didn’t have to worry about repaying him. He was so petty about the breakup.
Where in your process is the break up sex?
And absolutely no ghosting.
Definitely true. Unless you’ve already ended things and they won’t stop contacting you on some Stage 5 clinger shit.
I think you can ghost up to the 3rd date if the other party kind of knows that this wasn’t going much further. If they’re persistent and want to go out again, then yeah send a quick text to cut ’em lose.
Solid point. If someone doesn’t hit you up to go on a second date, you don’t need to send an unsolicited breakup text.
Didn’t you hear? Ghosting is Dead
Just hit em with a “We need to talk, when can you meet?” text so they know they’re getting broken up with. They’ll probably just tell you to do it over the phone and you can avoid the awkward meeting and make it seem like you’re the good person that wanted to do it face to face.
This works like a charm.
This happened to me back in June and the girl and I still speak from time to time. It’s the classy way to go.
For distance relationships I can see (and have done) over the phone. No body wants to drive or fly some place only to break up and have to fly home feeling shitty.
What if you wanna break up and it’s been on and off for three years but you want nothing to do with them anymore and they drag you down in every part of your life? Asking for a friend.