Do I Want To Be An Old Parent Or A Young Grandparent?

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As the weather got colder, our pants got tighter, and our relatives got drunker, there’s one thing you could expect no matter what religion you are or what holidays you celebrate: Relatives asking intrusive ass questions. Now, these questions change and vary as you reach different points in your life. When you were younger they were centered on what you wanted to be when you grew up, how school was going, and whether or not you were dating anyone. As time went on and our social media handles became public, the questions only got more invasive, more painful, and more hard to answer.

“Have you spoken to (insert ex’s name who shattered your heart and destroyed your will to live)? I always liked him!” -Your shitty aunt who’s been divorced 3+ times.

“Did you really think majoring in (insert the major you were extremely passionate about) was a good idea? I mean, how are you going to find work?” -Your douchebag uncle who has a management position at Rooms-To-Go and regularly “borrows” money from your parents.

“Settling down and just dating one person might not be such a good idea. I mean, you’re still soooo young.” -Your bitter older cousin who hasn’t been in a serious relationship since 10th grade.

And with these hard-to-answer questions comes, of course, the ever-present mutterings of “grandchildren.” Everyone wants to know when (not if) you’re going to have kids, and how much longer they have to wait before attending a baby shower and mooching off of your parents’ open bar (do people have open bars at baby events?). Basically, if you decide to have offspring, there are two schools of thought: Be an old parent or be a young grandparent.

Argument For Being A Young Parent/Grandparent

Just picture it — you’ve settled down with some pore schmuck who makes decent money and wants a family. You’re in your late twenties to very early thirties. You’re still hot, you still like to have fun, but more of your days are spent at brunch and happy hours than clubs and doing vanity drugs. You want to have a good time, but you also want to avoid an all-day hangover each and every weekend if you can manage it. You brag about how many streaming services you’re a part of and you’ve started eating better and going to the gym for health reasons and not just to counteract the amount of alcohol you consume.

So, why pop some babies out at a young-ish age? This isn’t Teen Mom. You’re not an idiot. First of all, you’ve managed to tie someone down. That’s important. Second of all, you envision being one of those hot parents who looks like they have it all together and dress their adorable family in ironically matching pajamas. You imagine being the cool parents at the PTA, pumping adults with liquor at birthday parties and bringing the weed out after dinner events.

But it goes further than that. While it’s unwise to think about your children’s children because we all hate our parents asking us when we’re going to have kids (and because AI is absolutely going to take over by then), that’s just sort of what parents do. And since we got enough pressure about having kids, there’s a 1000% chance we’re going to do the same thing to our kids. And being a young grandparent has its advantages. You can watch your children make all of the same mistakes you made. You’ll be young enough to take them to amusement parks and actually ride the rides. Hell, you can play Santa well into your old age, and maybe you can be one of those hot grandpas at all the wedding who the drunk bridesmaids dance with. You get a longer life with the family you created, which apparently is a pretty magical thing.

Argument For Being An Old Parent/Grandparent

You know what makes your life not worth living? Children. I don’t know this for a fact, but after sitting next to babies on flights, in restaurants, and at weddings, it’s led me to believe that they’re just tiny dementors. They suck the life and soul out of you, as well as the milk from your tits. I realize that’s beside the point but still! Everyone says your tits are never the same after that. And honestly? At almost-26, I’m not nearly mature enough to take care of myself, let alone another human for the rest of my life. I mean, I still don’t wash my face or brush my teeth before going to sleep, and I sincerely don’t think I’ve ever made my bed. How do I keep someone else alive when I’m barely scraping by?

Plus, I feel like I finally have money to do some of the cool things I always wanted to do. If I have kids, that will immediately change, and the money I would have used to travel to Paris or get the nice wine at the store will be spent on diapers, toys, and Xanax (well, more Xanax). I mean, sure. I imagine it’s worthwhile and amazing and blah blah blah. But the truth is? Once you have kids, you can no longer be selfish. And maybe it’s selfish to think that you want more time to be yourself, have fun, and enjoy your own life, but do you know what I think is even more selfish? Having a child you don’t want to have before you’re ready, and wishing you would have had more time to live your own life instead of living a life for someone else.

Waiting to have children, and doing it safely when the time comes, means you get to do everything you wanted to do without resentment that you never had a “youth.” You’ll know who you are, you’ll have learned more, and you won’t feel like a child yourself when you decide to eventually have one of your own.

So, when and if you chose to have children, just take comfort in the fact that it’ll never be the right time for someone and you’ll probably fuck them up anyway. Still, you might finally be able to get some followers when you turn your offspring into trendy Instagram babies, and if there’s ever been a good argument for reproducing, it’s that..

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Rachel Varina

if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com

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