Diary Of An Entry-Level Try Hard: Getting A Raise

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Gil Humplestead is a 23-year-old recent college graduate who finally got his first real job as a Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator with Incorporated Partners & Co. Today, he chronicles his first pay raise and promotion.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Diary,

My man! How we doing today? I’m great. Couldn’t be happier with the way things are going right now. I know I seemed a little bit miffed about the way things were going at work the last time we spoke, but it’s cool now. Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch House is gonna have to go on the back burner for a few more years, because I finally got a raise at work. Five months of know-how and perseverance finally paid off. Literally! #lmao #riseandgrind

I am finally hitting my stride. Really coming into my own. I had been looking around for new jobs since the holidays ended, because I didn’t think my work was really valued at IPC. I had been rolling through five Excel ‘sheets a day and was finally showing up on time, still no kudos from upper management. No emails from the CEO letting me know how much cake I was putting on his kitchen table. Gil Humplestead brings in profit like the moon does that thing with the ocean. I am IPC. I am the heir apparent. In 3-5 years, I’ll be the one ringing the bell on Wall Street when we go public. I’ll be the one on the cover of Fast Company. I’ll be the one headlining Piers Morgan. Am I the only one who can see that?

Finally, there was a moment of appreciation. I got this email from my boss Terry early last week:

Gil,

You have a meeting with myself and our VP of Sales, Jeff Tumbleholt, Friday the 17th at 4pm. Expect the meeting to last at least a half hour, but we shouldn’t be here past 6pm. We will be discussing your future with IPC.

Regards,

Terry Bradshaw,

Director of Corporate Sales

Incorporated Partners & Co.

I immediately gained more respect for Terry after learning his last name. Terry had never sent me a full email with his sig in it. His emails to me are usually brief, never consisting of more than two or three words, probably because he wants me spending my time beefing up the bottom line instead of reading wordy correspondence. I always thought his last name was Brampton or Blowitoutyourassholeton (lol). Something lame. But “Terry Bradshaw?” Never mind that Terr Bear is pushing 300 lbs and married to a total beast, a name like that commands respect, much like Gilbert T. Humplestead.

I wasn’t sure what the meeting was about. But “discussing my future?” Sounded important. There was no way they were going to fire me. I’m too vital to the operation. Sure enough, if I was going to go down, I was going to go down in a blaze of Brooks Brothers. I activated the $800 limit Discover Card I just got in the mail (I was saving it for Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch corporate expenses [coke and strippers]) and hit the BB outlet outside of town after work on Thursday. It really does pay to Discover. I got there just before close and spent a couple hours with my very own private tailor, getting the specifics of my new power suit just right. Pinstripes all day. They said my alterations would be done by Thursday evening, so I spent the rest of the week daydreaming where that suit would take me. How many TED talks would that suit see where I’m the featured speaker? This suit is about to get more YouTube views than that Honey Boo Boo gal. I can see myself strutting into the Shark Tank in this suit, ready to engage in a big biz shootout with Cubes and Babs. I can see myself throwing out the first pitch of the World Series in this suit. The suit/ball cap combo is such a power move, Diary. It probably won’t be this exact suit, but it’ll more than likely be the same style of suit. When you’re a baller in charge like the Gilibuster, you don’t mind spending $8,000 a year on suits, even if it is just buying the same one over and over again. The signature Gil Humplestead blazer and slacks power suit, coming soon to a Brooks Brothers outlet mall store near you.

So I showed up at the Brooks Brothers outlet on Thursday night after slipping out of work a little early. What you wear to work is more important than what you actually do at work. So, I showed up and asked for my suit. They informed me that it wasn’t ready. Naturally, I demanded to speak to a manager. You go straight to the top dog when you’re the man. I chewed out the manager for a good 30 minutes and insisted they give me the suit. They hastily altered the suit and handed it over half an hour later. I wasn’t walking into that meeting without the dopest threads the Twin Maple Outlet Mall had to offer.

I strolled into the meeting Friday with a confidence that could only be matched by Money Mayweather. TMT, baby. My tie knot was bigger than my fist and my blazing orange pocket square blinded everyone that made direct eye contact with it. In ancient Egyptian times, the Pharaohs often wore bright colors, so the peasants would think they were, in fact, gods. I employed the same strategy.

After a little bit of chit chat with Terry and Jeff, we got down to business. Terry could not resist looking at my tie knot. The pure intimidation in his eyes let me know that I had the edge. He tried to cover it up with stifled laughter, but I saw right through him. Advantage: Hump. Jeff finally cut to the chase:

“Well, ah, Gil. You’ve been here at IPC for what, six months now? It’s company policy that we give all employees a 3% raise after 120 days with the company and we’re pleased to inform you that we will be giving you a 5% raise instead of that 3%, so that’ll bring your yearly salary up to $31,500 with incentive bonuses not exceeding $5,000 per year. This raise also comes with a change in title, as you will now be an Associate Account Executive instead and shed the Junior Assistant Marketing Coordinator title.”

EXECUTIVE! You hear that, Diary? I’m an executive now. I can’t wait to order up business cards that say, “Gilbert T. Humplestead: I’m the Associate Account Executive, BITCH!”

And the raise! An extra 2%! $31.5k a year. That’s over an extra $100 bucks a month for me to do what I please. I’ll probably invest it in some high yield, high risk penny stocks. Become an overnight success and get my seed money going for Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch and other yet-to-be-named enterprises.

I’ll tell you whose stock is most definitely on the rise though, Diary. It’s mine. $GIL is about to skyrocket. I’m a bull, Diary. A bright, shining bull.

“Get money. Get paid.” -Gil Humplestead

More Gil:
–Buying Work Clothes
–First Day
–Training Seminar
–First Sales Call
–The Office Party
–Hazing The Interns
–Company Chili Cookoff
–Office Romance
–The Holiday Party
–Crushing It In 2014

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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