Diary Of An Entry-Level Try Hard: Coming Up With A Business Plan

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Gil Humplestead is a 23-year-old recent college graduate who finally got his first real job as a Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator with Incorporated Partners & Co. Today, he chronicles his plans to start his own business.

This is it, Diary. This is the beginning. The first day of the rest of my baller life. It’s time to put the plan for Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch into motion. I’ve gotta get the ball rolling. I’m going to be 25 in 18 months and if I’m not a millionaire by then, I’m gonna KMS because life simply won’t be worth living if I’m not. I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m only making $90k/year by the time I’m 25.

So, it’s settled then, Diary. We’re launching Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch. I’m flush with a bunch of fresh capital from my 5% “company-mandated” raise that I got last month, and decided to put the jetsetting on the back burner and focus all of my energy and resources into launching the biggest chain of power restaurants the US of A has ever seen. McCormick & Schmick’s better watch their back. Humplestead’s is comin’ for you.

I figured I’d share my business plan with you, Diary. Keep in mind this is absolutely, 100% confidential, for your eyes only. If this gets out, you better lawyer up. Part of Humplestead’s business plan is injecting capital into the bottom line through several lawsuits a year, so be careful. This is sensitive information. I have included illustrations to really bring a visual element into the presentation. That’s what’ll set me apart:

HUMPLESTEAD’S STEAK & SCOTCH HOUSE: A Business Plan
By Gilbert T. Humplestead, Sr.

Market Analysis

The corporate world has long been forced to conduct their business at the likes of Applebee’s and Longhorn Steakhouse. I don’t have the numbers in front of me, but I guarantee a large percentage of wealthy Americans are sick and tired of conducting their deals in the same old dingy booths of the same old chains, with the same old appetizers and bland entreés. With a new era of prosperity for the wealthiest 1% of Americans being ushered in since the recession, there’s a high demand for a high quality power eatery for the bulls of corporate America to gather. That’s where Humplestead’s comes in.

Marketing Strategy

Invite Mark Cuban, Richard Branson, Jordan Belfort and Nolan Ryan in for an investor’s summit. “Meetings” are for unfortunates. “Summits” are where the caterpillar tread of capitalism really starts spinning. Upon the conclusion of the inaugural Steak & Scotch Summit, the word of mouth about the new power restaurant on the block will spread like wildfire. Many startup businesses try to get the word out with “guerilla marketing.” We will introduce the world to “shock and awe marketing.” Break down the walls of the establishment; guns blazing, dicks swinging in the breeze.

General Ambience: “The Humplestead’s Experience”

I don’t want people to come to Humplestead’s for a meal. I want them to come here for an experience. Stained oak molding, plush leather seating, the walls lined with finely aged bottles of whiskey and modern art pieces of half-naked women and ancient Roman gladiators (symbolizing the dual nature of power and sex that Humplestead’s will embody), and ambient lighting from steel chandeliers, all coupled with the soft playing of The Allman Brothers’ greatest hits over the loudspeakers. Clients (we will never call them “customers”) will be fully immersed into the experience. All of our waitresses will be required to be no less than an 8 on the universal hotness scale and any man who works at Humplestead’s will be hidden in the kitchen. Hostesses (minimum of a 7.5) will also offer neck massages to waiting clients. What kind of experience are we going for? Think if Morton’s had an illegitimate child as the result of a devil’s threesome with Twin Peaks and Capital Grille.

Organization & Management Structure

Gilbert T. Humplestead, Sr., Chairman, President & CEO
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Elon Musk: CFO/Board Member, Tyler Winklevoss: Executive VP/Board Member
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Richard Branson, Primary Investor, Board Member
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Jon Taffer, VP of Franchising & Client Services, Board Member
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Giada De Laurentiis, Head Chef/Private Masseuse to Gilbert Humplestead
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Gary Humplestead (father), What Jordan Belfort’s dad did for Stratton Oakmont
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Tim Allen, Spokesman
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Regional management team (an army of women who average no less than 8.5)
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General managers (MILFs only)
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Assistant managers (Hottest waitress at each restaurant)
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Kitchen managers

Executive Summary

Company Profile: At Humplestead’s, our goal is to serve the top 1% of American earners with the restaurant experience they deserve.
Goals:
-To be the highest grossing restaurant in America.
-To expand our franchise overseas within 18 months of our flagship store opening on Wall Street in October 2014.
-For Gilbert T. Humplestead to be featured in Forbes “30 under 30” list by no later than 2016.
-To provide reasonably good quality food to America’s upper crust.
-To sell 18 barrels of scotch at every restaurant every day.
-To enforce a very strict termination policy to anyone who stands in the way of Humplestead’s Steak & Scotch House, Inc.’s mission statement.
Mission Statement: Close deals over hot meals. Humplestead’s.

So what do you think? I think it should go over pretty well, Diary. That’s a sound business model with highly successful language that will blow the doors off of the many investor presentations I’ll be hosting over the next few months.

Regards,

Gilbert T. Humplestead, Sr.

More Gil:
–Buying Work Clothes
–First Day
–Training Seminar
–First Sales Call
–The Office Party
–Hazing The Interns
–Company Chili Cookoff
–Office Romance
–The Holiday Party
–Crushing It In 2014
–Getting a Raise
–Traveling Abroad

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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