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During my nightly Facebook stalk two Sunday nights ago, my wine buzz was interrupted ever so rudely by a mass influx of posts about some thrones game, or whatever the hell it was everyone on my friends list was flipping the fuck out about. After further investigation, I deduced that “Game of Thrones” is, in fact, some TV show on HBO. I couldn’t tell you what the show is about, and I couldn’t give a fuck less about finding out. The only thing I know about the TV show is that it is not, as one could wrongly assume, a pretentious game of musical chairs, and that something so incredulous occurred on Sunday night’s episode that all fans felt a need to post something along the lines of “OMFG GAME OF THRONES!” or “GAME OF THRONES. OH. MY. GOD” on every piece of social media they inhibit.
I’m so fucking sick of premium cable TV shows eliciting a cult following of idiots who take to social media to incessantly share their thoughts on every episode they watch. Any show on HBO, Showtime, FX, or AMC has created a band of loyal followers who ARE IN SUCH FUCKING SHOCK after every episode that they absolutely have to tweet about it, blow up my facebook news feed about it, and then bother me about it the next day at work.
Newsflash: none of these shows are that fucking great, and all of their fans are INCREDIBLY annoying. My Facebook is already full enough of the pictures of the “happy” newly engaged couples (kill me), and the people who just “LOVE” their jobs (fuck you), and let’s not even get started on the skank who’s pretending to be excited about getting knocked up (thanks for the self-esteem boost, though). As if my social media feeds weren’t inundated with enough idiots, I get to add a list of over-zealous TV show fans into the mix.
Not only would these people spoil the show for me if I did have any interest in watching, but they act as if they’re part of some exclusive group because they watch whichever show they jerk off to. Every interaction I’ve ever had with someone obsessed with a premium cable show is somewhere along these lines:
Highly Functioning Retarded Coworker: “Do you watch Breaking Bad?”
Me: “No.”
HFRC: “Oh my god! How do you NOT watch Breaking Bad? It’s the best show EVER.”
Me: “Because I either spend my free time getting wine drunk and racking up credit card debt online shopping or applying for jobs so I can someday get as far away from this God-forsaken establishment as possible.”
HFRC: “No, you really need to watch it. It’s on AMC, but it’s SO good.”
…and there it is. Oh, it’s on AMC? How positively indie of you, you fucking hipster. Just because you watch some show on a semi-obscure channel not offered in the basic package by most network cable providers doesn’t make you some authority on good television, it just makes you annoying. You’re not smart because you can follow some docu-drama, you’re fucking irritating for blowing up my Facebook about it when I’m busy to judge who’s gotten fat since graduating.
Seriously, the fans of the following shows are the worst:
1. American Horror Story
Oh, cool, you can watch FX and get scared. I’m maintaining that anyone who tries to discuss this fucked up “psychosexual thriller” with me is probably the type of person who used to burn ants under microscopes on the playground.
2. Breaking Bad
I don’t know what the fuck this show is about, and I don’t fucking care.
3. Justified
I’m surprised that cable is offered in Appalachia, which is the only region I’m assuming fans of this show come from.
4. Sons of Anarchy
Oh, cool, you have a Harley? No, you have a shitty job at an accounting firm and an annoying number of pictures of food on your Facebook.
5. Game of Thrones
Middle Earth? Macbeth? WHO GIVES A FUCK. I don’t need to hear who killed who or why fucking your brother is fun. Go back to your dungeon and play with your dragons, nerds.
6. Mad Men
Unless Jon Hamm is willing to go full frontal, I can’t seem to care.
7. Dexter
Re: “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED ON DEXTER.” It’s a show about a fucking serial killer? You really can’t believe what just happened?! You’re COMPLETELY shocked something surprising occurred?
8. True Blood
Trust me, nothing worthy of a Facebook status is going on there.
9. The Walking Dead
It’s zombies. People die. Why is it still a thing?
10. Homeland
I don’t care what you say, anything Jack Bauer did in the early 2000’s will be cooler than whatever happens on this show.
So seriously everyone. Shut the fuck up about your stupid shows. You’re not special for watching some TV show, and you’re annoying for posting statuses about them on every piece of social media.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Haters gonna hate.
Respond
Alex Engelbert
Alex Engelbert is an contributing writer for Total Sorority Move (@PearlsHiltonTSM) and Post Grad Problems.
@AlexPGP
Wow you’re incredibly annoying. You’ll probably die alone, but like, totally like, wine drunk.
In addition: Ms. Engelbert, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
I present to you a tweet from one @AlexPGP on June 10: “I’m watching GIRLS and I think it’s clear Lena Dunham has no idea how sex really works.” Stop telling us what you watch on your social media site! Gah!
Got her!
HEADSHOT!
Whatever. Just watch GOT and touch yourself like the rest of us.
I haven’t several of the shows you mentioned, but that list might as well be a list of the best TV shows in the past 10 years. You should probably check em out
The editor’s note was the only well written and reasonable thought conveyed in this article.
I created an account just to comment on this … Seriously the worst column I’ve read on here. Not only have you “failed miserably at becoming an adult” .. You’ve also failed miserably at writing a humorous column.
Congrats though! You have definitely succeeded at being an uber bitch.
As you “don’t give a fuck about *insert show*, the vast majority of people don’t give a fuck about your opinion. Quit complaining
Is this broad a hipster?
Your menstruation is going to attract bears.