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I was away from the internet for most of yesterday (shocking, I know), so it wasn’t until late last night that I saw the promo for the upcoming season of The Bachelor. Obviously, PGP’s resident Bachelor expert, Crick Watson MD and I had some strong feelings on the casting of Colton, but of course, I immediately texted my favorite life-saver to discuss. His response/professional medical opinion?
“They all need fucking therapy and they needed it yesterday.”
Accurate, but let’s break this ninety-second crapshow down a little further, shall we?
0:00 – 0:13: We open with Colton standing in outdoor shower with water running over his impressive body (hey, I don’t like the guy but I’m not blind) and then women watching from some kind of voyeuristic panic room. Along with the expected comments of “oh my gawdddddddddd” and “he’s so hawttttttttttt,” we also see a blonde having what can only be described as seizure over the sight of Colton’s abs. And we have candidate number one for this season’s resident nutjob.
0:13 – 0:18: The scene changes to Colton flipping a giant tire and doing knee ups with a voice-over liking him to a chiseled God followed by a woman fanning herself. God, could this be any more trite?
0:18 – 0:21: Virginity mention #1: at the initial meeting outside the mansion, we have our first mention of Colton’s sexual status, with one contestant saying “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12.” Honestly, sweetie, that says more about you than it does about Colton.
0:22 – 0:34: Now we’ve got a montage of Colton canoodling with a series of bathing suit-clad women (does any date in this season involve actual clothes?) with a voiceover of him discussing his virginity. Dude, we KNOW. It’s literally the only reason you’re here.
0:34 – 0:41: Cut to The Bachelor’s sole voice of sanity, Chris Harrison, sagely telling Colton, “You could lose your virginity this week.” Not shown? Harrison continuing on to state, “But please don’t, because it’s the only interesting thing about you and I’ve got to talk about you for at least 18 more hours.”
0:41 – 0:42: Requisite girl crying. You know, if they made these girls cry into buckets, we’d probably have enough water to put out the aforementioned fires.
0:42 – 1:01: Okay, now we get to watch we all came here for – bitch fighting. Do these girls realize they are fighting on television over a virgin who (probably) can’t drive?
1:01 – 1:16: Time for requisite Colton crying, because every time he puts himself out there, he gets rejected. Welcome to the real dating world, buddy.
1:16 – 1:24: Colton’s “fucking done.” Every season we see this, and yet every season no one is actually fucking done…except Colton literally jumps a fence and runs away. As one woman asks, “What just happened?” In my opinion, interchangeable hot person? Colton did the smartest thing ever done on this franchise: he got the fuck out.
1:24 – 1:30: “Colton’s dramatic journey to love begins January 7th.” Thanks for the reminder, Chris. As much as I hate myself, my DVR is already set. .