Supervisor saying, “We are going to increase your duties around here because we see potential.” Really means, “I am not sure I want to do this any more, and I make more than you. Have fun.”

My company just implemented a new system to crack down on all non-work related web browsing.

Just found out a coworker snitched on me for leaving 10 minutes early.

Drank too much Friday night. Still hungover Monday morning.

Excited to get my wisdom teeth out because I’ll get a 3-day weekend and lose weight.

“That’s not part of my job description.”

I’d rather my employer give us good toilet paper than a retirement plan.

Told my secretary I wasn’t feeling well and was going to check out early. She said “you don’t look very good.” I’m actually fine, I just wanted to run some errands.

Matched with my insurance adjuster on Tinder.

“A few questions regarding your expense report.”

“You catch that action item?”

Waiting that extra minute in the stall so you don’t have to have an awkward washing your hands conversation with a coworker.