Can We Talk About Peter?

Can We Talk About Peter?

I admit that I am new to Bachelor (and Bachelorette). I had never watched the show until last season, starring Mumbles McGee, a.k.a. Nick Viall. Please know that I am huge fan of trash TV, especially dating shows, but I had never gotten into The Bachelor. But oh boy, once I started, I couldn’t stop. I, from the first episode of last season, was absolutely hooked. I was like a crack addict, begging for my fix every Monday night. From Dolphin-Shark to Nick’s awful turtleneck sweater collection, I was one hundred percent in.

Even though Rachel was on Team-Too-Good-For-Nick from day one, it was still pretty shocking when ABC picked her, a down-to-earth, level-headed, intelligent and successful woman as the next Bachelorette. She was one of my favorite contestants on Mumbles’ season – Rachel seems like the kind of girl you want in your #squad, which has been proven by all of the previous season’s girls who love her. I figured that logically, because Rachel is an absolute gem, all of the men that ABC must be parading out for her are going to be the best of the best as well, because that’s what she deserves.

Wrong, I was wrong… ABC, after a nationwide casting call, that’s who you found for Rachel? There is only one man on this show that clearly even worthy of Rachel’s (and America’s) time. Is this show even a competition at this point? Sure, you have some decent guys like ‘Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King,’ the wrestler with a heart of gold and a ten-year-old daughter who is 5’11… Jack “Head Tiltin” Stone, another smart lawyer… Alex the Russian software genius… Diggy with the style… Josiah, with a 1000-watt smile. Dean is an adorable toddler, and Eric is really handsome and emotionally available… they’re all okay guys. And that’s just it – all these guys are just guys.

Rachel has said she “wants a man” over and over and over again this season. It’s become a bit of tired out phrase, like “journey” and “here for the right reasons.” Because, really, Rachel doesn’t need to look any further than Peter.

Yes, Peter.

First out of the limo, and first into my heart, as soon as Peter smiled, it was game over. As Rachel said, “We’re off to a good start”, but what I really think she said was, “Andddd that’s a wrap, show’s over, folks, time to go.” I could go on and on about what great man-meat Peter is, but he seems like he has shit together, too. During Rachel and Peter’s conversation on night one, which was hijacked and hilariously narrated by Whaboom, Peter didn’t even flinch – he stayed cool, calm, and collected while being harassed by an attention whore with a megaphone. And to top it all off… a shooting star streaked across the sky during the conversation. Come on, just give it to Peter already.

I mean, look at him – no really, look at him. His body is incredible, his eyes are beautiful, his slight gap tooth is adorably imperfect, and that hair? I have always thought that a nice touch of gray made a man look prominent, distinguished, and sexy as hell, but then Peter showed up… turn around, don’t drown, because the floodgates are open. He’s checking all of the boxes – tall, dark, and handsome, with a personality to boot. Plus, Peter’s a dog guy – only sociopaths are not dog people – making pals with Copper. Smooth move, Peter.

At their first not-eat-the-dinner date, a good day got better when Peter and Rachel talked about smiles, and it was glaringly obvious that Peter has just the right amount of confidence. He casually mentioned his supportive family, and his ability to get a little in touch with his emotions by seeing relationship therapist. What – a man in touch with his emotions? Peter, are you real?

And then… as if anyone needed confirmation that Peter is without a doubt the number one contestant on this show, episode three happened. While appearing on Ellen, Ellen asked Rachel if she had kissed any of the men. Of course Bryan, the 37-year-old chiropractor (who doesn’t know how to kiss) cleared up right away that Rachel is a good kisser. But honestly, Bryan, you probably think that a vacuum cleaner is a good kisser at this point… only for Alex the Russian genius to chime in that he too has kissed Rachel, and then Bryan to try to nail him with a come back about “sloppy seconds”. Classy, guys. Classy. All through the showboating and dick swinging, do you know who stayed quiet? Yes, Peter – even though there were literal fireworks when he and Rachel kissed. Swoon.

Look, I think it’s pretty obvious that I could watch an entire hour of Peter. I mean, this man… Unless he has literal skeletons in his closet, Rachel, this is your man. If you don’t give him that final rose, I do not even know where to begin.

Oh, yes I do. Filling out an application to be on his season of The Bachelor.

The official podcast of PGP, Touching Base, convenes every Tuesday morning during Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons to break down the episodes. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the latest episode.

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Teaching the youth. Probably covered in glue.

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