In my quest to become the most basic dude of 2015, I’ve found that over 50 percent of my weekend is dedicated to either being at a brunch or figuring out where to have brunch. Somewhere along the line, brunch replaced happy hour as the go-to drinking event of the weekend for anyone between the ages of 23 and having kids.
Unfortunately, my brunches rarely go as planned. Instead of enjoying a slow meal filled with good food and better conversation, I find myself gagging down cocktails in an attempt to feel normal again after a weekend of destroying myself. With that being said, I found it was only prudent to create a brunch bucket list for myself in my quest for self improvement.
1. Wear workout clothes that I actually managed to work out in instead of just wearing them to look athletic.
2. Not get judged for ordering extra hollandaise sauce for my Eggs Benedict.
3. Not be violently hungover to the point where I wonder why I’m spending $30 on food that’s only going to end up coming out of one end or the other come 1 p.m.
4. Take a girl on a brunch date after a one night stand.
5. Or a Tinder date.
6. Get a Bloody Mary that’s not covered in a piece of pizza, cheeseburger, or whatever the hell else restaurants are superfluously adding to them these days.
7. Not spend two hours of the morning trying to figure out where the hell to go in a 1,000 text group message.
8. Find a way to leave a “bottomless mimosa” brunch without heartburn.
9. Or blacked out.
10. Or without getting cut off.
11. Simply get eggs, toast, and sausage as opposed to the $18 Crabcake Benedict.
12. Not be scared to fart the entire time for fear of pooping my pants.
13. Drink a ginger ale in favor of a Dark & Stormy.
14. Have the self-discipline to not eat myself into a coma.
15. Make it through my meal without a single double-handed face wipe.
16. Figure out a way to avoid the awkward exchange of hellos with a person I may or may not have seen the night before.
17. Feel normal enough to order one singular drink instead of a combination of water, coffee, Bloodies, beers, mimosas, or whatever other featured cocktail is on the menu.
18. Manage to find all of my credit cards when I take out my wallet to pay the check and not wonder which bar from the night before is in possession of my debit card.
19. Look together enough for the waitress to not ask our collective table, “Rough night last night?”
20. Make it through an entire brunch without everyone spending over 50 percent of the time on their iPhones.
21. Arrive at the restaurant early enough to not have a wait so long that it gives me time to have a full-blown existential crisis.
22. Be seated with a complete party instead of having to constantly explain to the waitress that we’re “waiting for one more.”
23. Not wonder the entire time if other tables are looking at us with disdain.
24. Get a table that’s not next to a crying baby that only amplifies my headache and screaming thoughts.
25. Make it through the meal without someone Instagram’ing the table.
26. Or Snapchatting with the phrase “#standard.”
27. Or asking our waitress if they have an iPhone 6 charger.
28. And then hearing a conversation about how the iPhone 5 and iPhone 6 use the same charger.
29. …that concludes with the waitress only having an iPhone 4 charger.
30. Order an omelette that doesn’t cause me to loosen my belt or wish I had worn an elastic waistband.
31. Have a waitress that naturally brings hot sauce without one of us having to ask for it.
32. Ask for a side of fruit instead of sausage, bacon, or corned beef hash.
33. Bring home a girl I meet at brunch for a one afternoon stand.
34. Or at least a cuddle nap with the Lions game on in the background.
35. Leave without having to ask for a to-go coffee cup for the rest of my unfinished Bloody Mary that I couldn’t stomach.
36. Not think to myself, “Man, I really wish they’d turn the music down in here.”
37. Go somewhere niche and quiet instead of the go-to spot for all aspiring mid-20s foodies.
38. Make it through without having a poop attack immediately upon finishing my meal.
39. Arrive on time instead of receiving the text, “Dude, where the hell are you?”
40. Check my bank account while waiting for a table without wondering what I’m doing with my life.
41. Shave beforehand.
42. Or wear a clean shirt.
43. Or clean underwear.
44. Or clean anything, really.
45. Remember to invite everyone before someone asks, “Shit, has anyone talked to Brady?” when clearly no one talked to Brady.
46. Order pancakes, because no one orders pancakes anymore.
47. Drink orange juice that isn’t 75% champagne.
48. Make brunch at home for 1/8th of the price.
49. Stop living my life brunch-to-brunch.
50. Leave sober. .
Image via @parriske