Breaking Down Your Bullshit Resumé

Breaking Down Your Bullshit Resumé

Remember Googling “Resumé template” after one long, frustrating day at the office and practically copying the whole thing to make your current resumé? Remember when you took an hour and a half webinar on Resumé building in hopes of finding the secret resumé keywords to pass the infamous application filtering software? Well, I’m sorry to say it didn’t really help. Your resumé sucks, to put it simply. I don’t even have to look at it to know that it is vile, unmistakable garbage. Why would I insult you and the time and effort it took you to construct something so delicate and vital to your future employment and career? Well, friend, you did not do a single thing listed on that one piece of paper – not one. It’s filled to the brim with bullshit lies. I see you threw in a bunch of fancy buzzwords like “mitigate,” “streamline” and “analyze”, but I know you couldn’t even use “mitigate” in a sentence properly until last year. Everyone does this and I wish the hiring process was a little more honest. Let’s just break down some of the most common, basic line items on a rez, and what they really mean.

Digitized and analyzed client data.

Sure, you might be impressed that my first internship was with Hank, Frank & Bartholomew Law, but I only got it because Frank owed my dad and I literally just scanned and alphabetized shit. I was practically drunk or hungover every day. Those were the days, amirite?

Effectively lead and managed multi-departmental projects ending in a 60% profit gain.

Effectively lead and managed people? Oh, hell no. I’m invisible to 90% of this company. I effectively became commissioner of a company fantasy football league. Where did that 60% profit number come from? Well, I finished first and took home a few hundred bucks. That’s a 60% increase from my 3rd place winnings the year before. Boom, math.

Managed the company’s finances and advised management on financial forecasts.

I went to the company’s bank website and made sure there was money still in there. I once piped in on a management conference call. It was about forecasts. That’s all I have to say about that.

Provided market data to assist in the development of new products.

You know the job where you get paid to be a human lab rat? I was the lab rat.

Works efficiently in team environment and no task is too small.

Did this sound too cliché? I’m just looking for anything and I was having a hard time filling a whole page with job experience. Basically, what I’m saying is that I promise I won’t throw a fit if you make me go fetch coffee. I’ll even pay for it myself if you just give me the job.

Additional Skills & Traits:

Social media

I’m in my twenties. I know to tap the dark spot before taking an iPhone picture and I am always in the pursuit of the perfect GIF. I’ll explain a GIF if you give me the job.

Detailed and organized

I have two organized piles on my desk — things I need to do, and things I won’t do. It’s a pretty strict system.

Strong work ethic

… until about four months in. Then I am going to hate you and you are going to hate me.

Advanced Skill in Microsoft Office

I can open and read an email and I know what happens when I type =SUM(A1,B1). Recently learned Alt+= in Excel, and really digging it.



If you have any of those or anything similar on your resumé, you might need to spend some more time hammering out a solid rezzy that actually reflects the things you’ve done.

Image via Shutterstock

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