Breaking Down The Most Basic Quotes From The Birthday Party Sitting Next To Me At Dinner Last Night

Breaking Down The Most Basic Quotes From The Birthday Party Sitting Next To Me At Dinner Last Night

I love basic girls. I know this is not a desirable attribute to have because they’re both annoying and expensive, but addictions are addictions.

The best gift I got during my birthday dinner was not a material item or even the meal itself. No, the best gift was an adjacent birthday party that was occurring a table over where seven girls sat down and had the most phenomenally basic conversations I’ve ever heard. These girls were throwing no-hitters in the stadium of basicness, an all-you-can-drink prix-fixe dinner at a restaurant that should be way out of my price range.

And these were the best quotes we could type into our iPhones as it all went down.

We met at a wedding but he had a girlfriend. We were at a 5-star resort and she wasn’t into the outside stuff. We met on the dance floor, he was playing air guitar and I was on the drums. I was doing this with my arms.
Watching her flail her arms playing the air drums while sitting at the end of her seven-person table really set the tone for the night, as did her clarifying that it was a “5-star” resort despite the fact that it had nothing to do with the actual conversation.

I’m dating Jerry Maguire. He’s a sports agent. He’s from Michigan. He’s, like, nice.
If this guy truly aspires to be a sports agent like Jerry Maguire, he needs to have a shark mentality. I give them two more months before she realizes he runs coffees for actual sports agents.

Boys don’t know unless you tell them.
This was probably the most true thing she said all night but I still resent her for it.

I’m not ready to give this up even though I’m so full.
You can’t claim to be “so full” when you have a full plate of food in front of you. Like, we get it, you’re skinny.

You’re going to crush it calligraphy wise because you have such a steady hand.
“Crushing calligraphy” is something that even I wouldn’t have been able to think up for Things Girls Do After Graduation. Potentially the quote of the night, if not the quote of the year.

I’m not even hungry but I can’t stop eating this cake.
Ugh, you’re so bad!

OMG – I totally have OCD too.
I’ve never understood why people love to rep that they have “OCD” when they definitely don’t have “OCD.” It’s like saying you’re “ADD” even though you just scroll Instagram too much and have a prescription of adderall that you solely take before going out / use as an appetite suppressant.

You’re like my right-hand girl. You have to meet all of my boyfriends.
You know she talks shit behind this girl’s back.

She’s a really really nice person.
And this girl’s back.

SF is so transient. There are just so many artists walking around. It’s so different than Austin. But Austin is really artistic too.
She saw “transient” on her word of the day calendar and got psyched to use it in casual conversation.

Yeah, we were into her before she got famous. We went to one of her concerts in SF and now we tag her in all of our Insta stories and she totally appreciates the free publicity.
Yeah, because the thousand views you have on your Instagram story are totally making and breaking people’s music careers in the transient San Francisco arts scene.

The pom-poms are so you. Pom-poms are so in. It’s Rebecca Minkoff.

You guys, I can pay for my steak dinner.
Offering to pay for your own birthday dinner is like offering to pay when you’re out to dinner with your parents. You pretend to reach for your wallet in hopes they’ll tell you to put it away, and you’ll be pissed if they actually make you pay.


I’m putting this on a mug. It’s so sassy. It’s like, so me but, like, so good.
I’ve never seen something and immediately thought, “This needs to be on a fucking mug STAT.”

You didn’t have to get me anything but, like, I’m glad you did.
That girl would not have received an invite to her birthday dinner this year had she not had a gift in tow.

My dream in life is for her to regram me.
Follow your dreams, everyone. Even if it’s simply to get regrammed by a b-list celebrity.

Fiancé? Can we just call him your husband?
I think you have to get married in order to take that step.

I mean, she took it on her iPhone the filtered and Facetuned. Like clearly Kristen Cavallari wasn’t wearing turquoise.
I loved the first part of that statement, but I loved the second part. Humblebragging about having Kristen Cavallari.

I can’t buy produce to save my life so I just, like, go to Whole Foods and have someone tell me what to get.
I need to see a breakdown of her finances if she’s having personal shoppers breeze through Whole Foods for her.

Oh my God, you only invited me because you think I’m entertainment.
She probably only invited you because you probably have a solid Instagram following, but yeah, that entertainment part too.

Like honestly, I think having Beyoncé at my birthday celebration next year is a good goal to have. She adds a lot to the crew’s resume and I think she would really get along with me. And maybe Mindy.
My biggest fear in life is that this girl will actually make this happen. Nice of her to settle for Mindy Kaling if she can’t lock down Beyoncé, though.

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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