Breaking Down The Cast Bios Of The ‘Millennials Vs. Gen X’ Season Of Survivor

Breaking Down The Cast Bios Of The 'Millennials Vs. Gen X' Season Of Survivor

We’re somehow in Season 33 of Survivor. I don’t know how it got this far, because if I’m not mistaken, this show began when I was still waiting for my crushes to sign onto AOL Instant Messenger. While I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve been entertained by a few seasons, it’s still more responsible (read: less drug-fueled) than MTV’s The Challenge and my life doesn’t have time for both.

This season, though, might be worth watching because they’re doing Millennials vs. Gen-X. I’m not going to say that this is CBS’s way of trying to get some unintentional comedy out of a bunch of kids who don’t know how to do anything without Google, but that’s probably what’s going to happen considering most of Survivor‘s audience is probably closer to their 40s than their 20s.

Because the season has yet to begin, we are left with the cast biographies on the CBS website. And let me tell you, they don’t do the Millennial team any favors.

Each Millennial team member answered the simple question, “What does being a Millennial mean to you?” and it was hard to watch. Per CBS:

Taylor Lee Stocker, a snowboard instructor:

Come on, man! We are open-minded, liberal, self-expressive, upbeat, connected, tech savvy, and we invented the words “sicky sicky, gnar gnar, rachet, clutch, bae, and LOL.” I love my generation. We are all-around epic.

Taylor, man. Do not tout us as being an impressive generation because we invented some of the worst words in the history of the English language. I get it, you’re essentially the 2016 version of Johnny Tsunami and Brink’s love-child, but using the word “epic” hasn’t been cool in, like, five years.

Adam Klein, a homeless shelter manager whose hobbies include “browsing the Survivor subReddit”:

Millennials believe that, in this moment, anything is possible. If you have dreams, go after them. If you want to change the world, change it. I don’t believe you have to “pay your dues” making copies and fetching coffee before you can be successful—or before you can make a difference.

Just so zen. Despite his wanderlust-y answer, Adam somehow came off as the least awful when it all comes down to it. Sure, he’ll get the “entitled” tag slapped on him for his “making copies” comment, but he also runs a homeless shelter so how much shit can you really talk about the guy?

Hannah Shapiro, a “nerdy” barista from West Hollywood:

Being a Millennial means being hip, cool, nifty and totally rad. Go young people! No, I’m not secretly an 80-year-old neurotic Jewish lady. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Somewhere between college and marriage, mid-20s females love to tout how they’re really just secretly so lame and so old. Like, we get it, you just want to sit at home watching Friends re-runs rather than go out to some bar filled with your college friends. But that’s not being an 80-year-old woman – that’s growing up.

Justin Starrett, a real estate agent who, in a very un-millennial move, purchased his first home at age 25:

Millennial means “freedom” to me. I say this because we are born in a time when anything is truly possible; social media and all these different outlets help you to not only learn information quickly, but gives you the capability to become or create anything.

I dunno, man. I don’t think most of this generation thinks social media allows you to “do anything.” It’s mainly a place to complain or laugh at Spongebob memes before you have to go through it all and delete anything sketchy you’ve said over the last five years when you start applying for jobs. There’s that period in everyone’s life where they have to change their Facebook photo from being a “hot mess” to being a simple headshot that screams, “I’m ready to leave my current job because there’s no room for advancement.”

Michelle Schubert, a missionary recruiter (!):

Being a Millennial means I can think outside the box. It means I won’t settle for mediocrity but, rather, strive for the best outcome. It also means I know what a hashtag is and how to fix just about anything using YouTube or Google.

Love that “not settling for mediocrity” is knowing what a hashtag is. The lack of self-awareness when writing down her answer to this question makes me cringe, but I also identify with everything she said so I guess I’m just as bad as she is. She’s also probably going to get voted the “most exciting to see in a bikini” over this season since she won two cross-country state championships.

Wait, never mind. There’s also a former Playboy model on here.

Zeke Smith, a “devilish” improv comic and asset manager:

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never thought of myself as a Millennial. Ask one of the other children.

Ugh, fuck you, Zeke. You’re not above anyone considering you listed “improv comic” before your actual job as an asset manager. Get off your high horse and live your truth.

[via Slate]

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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