Post Grad Problems Blog » Office

Thursday Afternoon: The Wheels Begin to Fly Off

You return from lunch and slowly begin to check out for the week. You’re going to send out a few emails, do some G chatting, and will eventually get conned into going out.  It seems innocent enough. Maybe just a few beers after work with a couple friends, but it rarely ends this way. You’ll probably go straight to the bar after work without removing your business casual costume. Hey, that’s fine. You’ve put in a solid few days of work, so you think you’ve earned it. Things will change, however, when you make the switch. The switch usually occurs around 7:30PM. Up until that point you’re enjoying a somewhat reasonable price on draft beers, but eventually your self-destructive tendencies will tempt you. “Just order a whiskey you pussy” or maybe “Have some vodka prude”. This is the gateway drink. If you make the switch you will end up at another bar, probably with another group of friends, and you’ll find yourself constantly checking your phone and thinking “I can still get 5 hours of sleep.”

Friday Morning: You Have a Problem

You’re alive and surprisingly mobile. You aren’t struggling yet. You’ll probably look in the mirror and laugh at the sight of your red and swollen eyes. You make it in to work teetering on the edge of next day intoxication. That’s okay, you’ll just up your normal coffee intake a little bit and nobody will notice. After that first cup, there’s usually going to be about a 15 minute rush of endorphins followed by an Olympic style power walk to the bathroom. Don’t act like this doesn’t happen. It’s like clockwork and you know it. At some point you’re going to have to interact with coworkers and the entire time you’ll be wondering if they can tell that you’re in full blown Lohan mode struggling around the office. This will probably trigger a moderate amount of anxiety that you can channel into actually getting some work done. (This assumes that you consider responding to emails actual work) By the time you reach that third cup of coffee you’ll likely realize that it’s not doing shit. In fact, it’s pointless. It’s probably just making your kidneys hurt. People will notice that you’re consuming monumental amounts of shitty office coffee, and this will lead them to conclude one of two things: Either you’re really busy and trying to finish the week strong, or you got 4 hours of sleep and are trying to delay the onset of a category 3 hangover. Depending on your reputation, it’s probably the latter. 

Friday Afternoon: Full Blown Cutler Mode

You’ve just returned from lunch and you’re wondering how you can appear functional for the next 4 hours. At this point you’re basically just a mindless drone that occasionally responds to stimuli. You may have made a gas station stop and picked up a Red Bull, probably sugar free, and you think you’ve finally hit a turning point in your day. You’ll likely be double fisting Red Bull and water in a desperate attempt to look like someone with an ounce of credibility. You keep telling yourself that it’s Friday and nobody else is doing anything either. You may glance across the office and notice some people talking about their fantasy team failures or something of that nature. Your next few hours will be spent figuring out what you’ll be doing that night and if you’re going to need a nap before you do anything. (The answer is yes)

As many prepare for their first experience at the company Christmas party, let’s reflect on a few notable characters that often emerge at such social events, and pray that we don’t fall into one of these categories…

Wife Way Out of His League Guy

Newly Divorced Guy: Sad Story

He’s been with the company for 10 years, but this is the first time he’s been to the Christmas party without his newly divorced wife. Thankfully, he arrived with a large group that will attempt to serve as his support system. Don’t be shocked if he pulls a creep move, drinks too much, cries, or all of the above. He’ll get a pass on Monday.

Overly Trendy Clothes Guy

This Christmas party may be your first opportunity to see (judge) coworkers outside the office. There are always one or two guys who use this opportunity to show everyone how cool they are. They may wear some ironically thick black glasses, despite not being in film school. It could be a deep V-neck with a cardigan, possibly with some skinny jeans thrown in the mix. Beware of bedazzled cross/skeleton/dragon shirt guy. He’s not an alpha male in the office, so he’s using this as his chance to show how tough he is. Notice nobody in management looks anything like this guy, and nobody in management likes this guy (unless you work for a thriving energy drink company).

Awkward Sports Conversation Guy

This guy has been eavesdropping on fantasy football talk around the cubicles all fucking season, and now he’s going to bring some generic Tebow/Rodgers/Romo talk your way. He probably listened to Colin Cowherd the entire week leading up to the party, and now he wants to know if you think Tebow can keep it up. You can end this conversation quickly by asking him about the Wade Phillips 3-4 defense in Houston compared to the Wade Phillips 3-4 in Dallas.

Unsolicited Political Conversation Guy

He brings up all of the most important current issues, but does so after everyone is about five Woodford’s deep. He starts out harmless enough, asking if you saw the last Republican debate, but the next thing you know you’re arguing with three people about the constitutionality of Newt Gingrich’s views of the judicial branch. At least two people are yelling, and the other guy is shaking his head with his eyes closed. No good comes from this, and people are staring.

Probably Getting Fired Guy/Girl

Whether it’s double-fisting Jack and Coke, grinding like you’re working the Tuesday afternoon shift at Fantasy Ranch, or a combination of both with some vomit mixed in, someone is going to blow it in one way or another. It goes without saying, but don’t be that guy/girl, because you’re probably going to get shit-canned.

Others notable characters to reflect upon:

-Rented a Ferrari guy
-Sandusky joke guy
-Sober because of what happened at last year’s party guy/girl
-30 minute appearance because he has bottle service downtown guy
-Hot secretary with loser boyfriend
-Sales guy pretending to close deals at the party guy
-Might have paid an escort to go as his date guy

Originally posted on totalfratmove.com