Best Of Bachelorette Twitter, Week 1

Best Of Bachelorette Twitter, Week 1

For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the premiere episode.

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Well hello there, my fellow degenerates. Did you think you’d heard the last of me? While I have been swamped lately, there is no holiday more sacred to me than the premier of a Bachelor franchise (including my friend’s wedding which I almost ruined this weekend). Despite my recent increase in obligations and decrease in free time, I felt I owed it to you and to myself to recap some of the most glorious and horrifying moments from last night while we all wait in anticipation for Crick’s first Dude’s Breakdown of the season.

Speak of the devil, he voiced what we were all thinking when we sat down at the usually appointed hour with our wine boxes to partake in the holy ritual of criticizing the limo exits.

Producers: “QUICK, SOMEONE 86 THE ADORABLE GRANDMAS!” Excuse me, ladies, clearly you have never seen this show. We do NOT encourage celibacy.

Just in case you were wondering how you get a job as a reality TV writer, the key is to have no concept of reality.

I was a fan of Josiah at the beginning of the show. His terrible lawyer humor does not make me want to object. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE???)

This is the kind of innovative thinking we need in this new season, Tim. Would you rather: rompHIM vs. Waboom?

“Yes hi hello, ma’am. Do you remember when you were in a supervisory position over my safety and well-being before I went through puberty? Great, wanna bang?”

This was the moment I knew that Chris Harrison has given up all control and just started showing up to work drunk. What. Is. This.

V excited for the casually aggressive racism that is bound to come out this season. I’ve got my popcorn and my Twitter fingers ready!

Dillon, I think it’s because you’re an adult man with a job and a modicum of self-respect, but I’m also in favor of requiring all Grandex employees to put a catchphrase in their signature blocks from now on. #StayOnBrand

Further confirming my suspicions that Chris B. Harrison is hundo p done with this franchise. Am I using “hundo p” correctly? I learned it from my 22-year-old coworkers this week. #OnFleek #DaBomb #AreWeStillSayingLit #AskingForAFriend

This creepy AF Adam Jr. doll has sparked a hilarious trend of memes that I’m afraid to look at by myself without all the lights on and doors locked.

Wait… is it creepier than this face?!?! I honestly don’t know who I would rather make out with less at this point…

Rachel is feeeeeeeeeling Brian/Bryan and my group chat concurs. I had to take a quick cold shower before unpausing.

Don’t say I never taught you anything in this column. I don’t understand math because of my silly estrogen lady brain, but those seem like some good odds to me. #TeamBryan

I think we can confidently say it is a statistically insignificant pool.

When the Tickle Monster starts making the most sense of all your potential suitors, maybe it’s time to “unpause” that account you definitely haven’t kept active but dormant for six years, Rachel…

Throwing out “right reasons” less than an hour into the premier. I think that might be a new record, Blake!

You know… I bet he gives really good… NOPE. Nope. Not even I’m willing to go there.

There is nothing I want more in life than to see Rachel’s federal judge father meet Whaboom guy. NOTHING.

Say what you will about this show, but their film editing is truly finessed.

That’s all we have time for today, friends. I have a lot of feelings about this episode. I was honestly considering quitting my viewership after Vile Viall’s fiasco of a season, but Rachel may be breathing new life into this franchise. Bachelor producers, who I assume read my columns, please increase the amount of self-aware comedic film editing, feed Lucas some downers, and give Chris B. Harrison a nicer trailer to get him back to set. Join me, friends, on this most SHOCKING SEASON EVER. Until next week.

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Quinn Truflais

Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent

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