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New Bachelor, same Paradise. Here’s stock watch.
Episode Eight – Down
Three hours? Fuck out of here.
Episode Nine – Down
We’re in the dog days of Paradise, people. Almost done.
Three Hour Episodes – Down
The only show that should be three hours is Game of Thrones. Anything else should be a felony.
Colton as The Bachelor – Stagnant
I’ll be frank. I’m not the least bit excited to watch Colton cry his way through the season. I think he’s boring, and both his overly emotional and virgin storylines will exhausting and terrible. We’ve had to watch him sob to pieces over two different women in the last six months; he’s literally the last dude who needs to go get engaged. They had a bunch of better options on the table (Peter, Jason, Wills, literally any ex-SEC QB of the last 15 years), but they went with the safe, boring pick. But, he’s still better than that limp cheesedick Arie.
Ashley & Jared – Down
Jared should’ve shaved those pubes off his face, and proposing in front of your ex is a trash move, Ashley.
Joe/Kendall – Up
As someone who is always on the lookout for a good babysitter, I’d give this duo a shot. Rough start initially, but I think they’d kill it long term. BIP engagement coming?
Kevin/Astrid – Up
Best couple on the show and it’s not even close. At this point, I NEED a Kevin/Astrid engagement. They deserved a date more than any couple on the show and finally got one.
Kamil “Mr. 60/40” – Stagnant
This dude was in demand, which is normally a plus. The drawback is that he chose to go with Annaliese, which is never the right call.
Cassandra – Stagnant
Gets the Eric rose in the weird ass love triangle, but then he up and bounces. Not really sure where’s she’s going to go from here. This woulda been a good week for her to bring her kid out, though.
Chris/Krystal – Stagnant
Don’t get me wrong, Chris sucks and this couple is gross, but Krystal not being so terrible evens out Chris being the worst. If they get engaged though I might drink gasoline.
Angela – Down
Well, being on the losing end of a love triangle is never a good look. Best wishes to Angela on the way out.
Diggy – Stagnant
Getting turned down right off the bat isn’t ideal, but I like his chances with Olivia better than Venmo John. We will see.
Olivia – Up
Olivia got a rose from Venmo John by saying almost no words. Impressive stuff, really.
Eric – Down
Eric handled his love triangle about as well as OJ handled being suspected of his wife’s murder. His version of Gob Bluth’s “I’ve made a huge mistake” wasn’t nearly as funny. Shoulda spent less time writing in the sand and more time thinking about making good decisions.
Scallop Fingers – Down
I mean, it’s Scallop Fingers. Hoping she’s fine after her dizzy spell, but girl bye.
New Zealand Jordan – Up
New Zealand accents kick ass. This guy’s IPO was high as hell. Plus he got some late episode interest from Shushanna.
American Jordan/Jenna – Up
Dammit. He’s finally grown on me. A little dull, but completely genuine. And Jenna, well, she makes a great couple with Jordan. I’m in, everyone. Also, does Jordan actually want to go swing the sticks?
Shushanna – Down
I’m all for anyone trying to ruin Annaliese, but this girl is all over the place in the worst way. She’s like the Raiders are with coaches, never able to give up on their old flames. You can’t get accused of witchcraft and have your stock heading anywhere but downward.
Chelsea – Down
Chelsea’s run as a Cinderella story comes to an end. Pretty impressive that she lasted this long despite not being linked to anyone. That panic attack was no Meryl Streep performance, either.
Annaliese – Crashed
Annaliese is possibly the most desperate human I’ve ever seen. Ready to marry Kamil after like… two days? Good God. Get off my TV. I think her life plan included her getting married 10 years ago and every day that goes by without it kills her inside.
She’s as low on my board as Chris, and that’s hard to do.
Venmo John – Rising
Missing the entire Colton/Tia thing because he was napping is what I wish I could do. Also, has anyone had a better season than Venmo John, really? This dude has been in demand and sucked so much face, it’s really incredible. I mean, how is this dude making out with everyone???
Colton/Tia – Down
Too many tears, and I couldn’t care less. Good riddance, Tia. Colton, I’ll begrudgingly see you in January.
Chris Harrison – Stagnant
Chris got to drop in looking fly as hell, drop some amateur Spanish on everyone, and leave as quick as he came. Classic Harrison.
Wells/Yuki – All The Way Up
Explaining the Scallop Fingers story is plenty for me, and their new Chex Mix commercial is just a bonus. I’ll never speak ill of this duo. .
Check out our legendary 2 Minutes In Paradise segment on the latest episode of Touching Base.