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We’re deep into the shit in Paradise now. Love triangles, scorned lovers, and murdered teddy bears. Here’s this week’s stock watch.
Commercials for A Million Little Things – Down
I’m out on A Million Little Things.
Episode Four – Up
Jordan’s brain melting put this one over the top.
Episode Five – Down
“Man, I’d fucking love to see more Colton and Tia, let’s give them a date” said no one watching this show. Didn’t need a Raven/Tia talk either. Had to have something better to show us.
Men With Roses – Up
Potentially the only dating situation ever where multiple women have to suck up to undeserving men. Annaliese literally put on wrestling garb to try to snare a rose.
Men Without Roses – Down
Uh-oh, y’all ain’t shit again.
The Arie/Lauren/Ben/Amanda Skit – Down
Fuck all these people. Except Ben. And Amanda, I guess. And Lauren, just because I feel bad that she’s engaged to Arie. Fuck Arie, is what I’m trying to say.
Kendall – Down
Watching this girl slowly chip away at Grocery Store Joe’s heart like he’s one of her stuffed rodents in her taxidermy garage hurts me personally. Joe would stand outside your window with a boom box; Leo would confuse you for your sister.
Kenny – Stagnant
Kenny got a nice date and some fireworks, so I’m happy for my man. Have to say, while I enjoyed him being the center of attention for all the rose-hunters, choosing Annaliese was questionable at best. But, I still ride for Kenny.
Have I mentioned this great picture on Kenny’s ‘Gram?:
Kevin – Stagnant
Kevin saying “Krystal and Chris are like the two crazies in the corner of the room who deserve each other” was the smartest thing that’s ever come out of his mouth. Didn’t really do anymore damage to himself this week.
Krystal – Stock Tanked
The Krystal Voice (you can @ Dillon Cheverere for a demonstration) is back. And she’s interested in Chris. Somehow, she’s reached a low point.
Grocery Store Joe – Up
No one has come off more likable when their current partner goes on a date than Joe when Leo swooped in for Kendall. Never forget that Becca chose Jordan and David over this man.
Leo – Down
Leo rolled up with some BDE and to paraphrase Colton, put his nuts out on the table. However, he quickly burned all the goodwill he’d earned towards the end of Becca’s season and turned into a gigantic TV douche that we really didn’t see coming.
Chris – Great Depression-Era Level
Chris made me do the impossible. He made me root for Tia. Honestly, that’s really impressive, but in the worst way. Chris is potentially the worst Paradise contestant ever. Guy makes Robby look like someone I’d want to marry my sister, and that’s saying something.
Angela – Stagnant
Has she spoken all season?
David – Up
You know what? Fuck it, I’m buying it. Guy bought an estate inside Jordan’s dome and paid in cash. Literally lit the guy’s brain on fire to the point where he started swearing at multiple women.
David pulled a “instead of punching you, he punches Bob Barker” with Jordan’s mental state. Just incredible.
Eric – Stagnant
Eric is getting less screen time this year than Johnny Drama in every Vinny Chase movie.
Jenna – Up
Jenna accepting Jordan’s rose with a look that said “I will not be giving you my rose because you freaked the fuck out, but thanks fam” was enough to give her stock a boost.
Nysha – Stagnant
Great to see you, I guess?
Jordan – Down
Jordan as Chris’ pump up guy is actually one of the more enjoyable parts of the season, and tossing a giant stuffed teddy bear in a Hawaiian suit is legendary.
Benoit – Up
Dude must’ve been browsing the classifieds and seen that thee was a nice penthouse apartment available for rent in Jordan’s dome.
Jubilee – Stagnant
Worked Venmo John for that rose. Tough to watch, but I respect it.
Chelsea – Stagnant
Took and F-bomb for Jordan, made out with Leo, and didn’t do much else. Keeping it even keel.
Annaliese – Down
I really hope Annaliese got a bad edit, and she wasn’t actually more desperate for a rose than David Carr was for O-Line depth circa-2003. But damn girl, horrible showing. It worked, girl got that Kenny rose, but I’m ready as hell for her to go home.
Jacqueline – Down
Was in Paradise for five minutes.
Venmo John – Stagnant
It’s absolutely incredible how having the ability to keep a woman on a reality show for another week increases a man’s desirability. John might as well be a thrice-bankrupt orange-tinted famous guy because wow he’s got women into him for absolutely no reason other than his power.
Bibiana – Down
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandujo) August 21, 2018
Astrid – Stagnant
Caroline – Down
Grand opening, grand closing.
Colton – Down
Colton walked into Paradise like the dude who took a girl to formal that he wasn’t really sold on, and wishes he could go dance with someone else but feels obligated to dedicate his night to her because she spent nine hours making him a sweet-ass cooler. Really don’t hate the guy, but he got shit on by Raven and is stuck latched with Tia.
Tia – Down
I’ve dragged the shit out of Tia, and for good reason. But watching her have to put up with dipshit Chris and then having Jacqueline come swoop in to talk to Colton right in front of her was admittedly a tough stretch for her.
But I’m so tired of seeing her onscreen. I didn’t need that date with Colton or conversation with Raven. That date was a gigantic nothingburger and I just can’t have that.
Chris Harrison – Stagnant
Cashing them checks with minimal screen time.
Yuki – Up
If you’re Wells’ right-hand woman, your stock is always up.
Wells – All The Way Up
I need Wells and Yuki breaking down all the TV. Not just BIP, but everything. Succession, Sharp Objects, etc. Dynamic duo..
Checkout our legendary 2 Minutes In Paradise segment at the 57 minute mark. Or just listen to the entire thing.