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Five hours down, and Paradise is THRIVING. There’s some Wolf Of Wall Street, ’90s boom stocks out there.
There’s also some stocks looking like Wall St. circa 1929 out there. Dive in.
Episode Two – Down
Far, far too much Chris, Tia, & Colton’s tears. Not a strong start for BIP.
Episode Three – Up
The Jordan-Annaliese post-date conversation alone made buying this episode’s stock a worthy option. Having the Jordan – Annaliese – Jenna & Chris – Tia – Krystal love triangles are the Great Value versions of the Dean – Kristina – D-Lo love triangle of last season.
Jordan’s stock as a human may be down, but I can’t deny that he’s made for entertaining TV. First episode that’s really trended up and been classic great Paradise.
The Chris-Jordan Dinner Analogy Conversation – Stock Tanked
These two are like the douchelord version of Dumb and Dumber. Just horrendous.
Becca – Up
History will smile fondly upon Becca as just a solid Bachelorette. Made the producer-inspired bit about snapping Colton out of his tears not totally insufferable.
Kendall – Stagnant
Potentially the smartest person on the show, but also the weirdest. Made a good play giving Grocery Store Joe that rose. I’ll buy Kendall, she’s provided a pretty sane narrator to lead us through the madness so far. The scene during the credits with her and Joe was weirdly sweet? Idk.
Kenny – Stagnant
Kenny did a lot of good things this week, the best of which was dropping a Chappelle’s Show “holla holla holla” reference ten minutes into the episode.
However, he also took Krystal on a date. You hate to see that. Although, the date itself like…wasn’t bad? Idk. My dude still got that rose, but then got essentially dumped after setting up a romantic situation for Krystal. Not the best look, not the best look at all. Expect a rebound from my guy, though. Kenny, you’re always welcome on The DadGum Podcast.
And, yet again, this picture forever:
Kevin – Down
Catch Kevin at your local gym rocking a TapOut t-shirt and snorting pre-workout.
Krystal – Down
I just….can’t trend her stock anywhere but down.
Grocery Store Joe – Up
He and Kendall may not be the couple on camera the most, but right now they might be the most likable. Hell of a comeback from GSJ.
Chris – Stock Tanked
When he threw that headband on I nearly sent my remote through my TV. We haven’t seen a dude this happy about being someone’s second choice since Andy Bernard.
Chris may potentially be the worst person on TV. Not reality TV, but all TV. I’d rather see Cersei rule Westeros forever than watch Chris enjoy any sort of happiness. I refuse to give any more effort to typing about what a shitbag he is.
Angela – Stagnant
I’ve had to ask my girlfriend multiple times “Wait, who is that?” when Angela has been onscreen.
David – Stock Tanked
David is a fucking snitch to the core. Sell that shit like Enron.
Now, I’ll admit that showing up with a birthday cake for your arch nemesis’ new flame is a legendary shitlord move. Regardless, he’s still just so boring and worthless.
Eric – Stagnant
It took Eric five hours into the season to get anything going as far as screen time. He made the most of his three minutes by eating Angela’s tongue, but I’m not too bullish on him.
Jenna – Up
A wildcard who’s shaking up the game, albeit with poor taste in men. At least she’s not Tia.
Nysha – Stagnant
Was she even on this episode?
Jordan – Down
After Night One of this week, I was honestly considering stopping the free-fall of Jordan’s stock. Maybe even listing his stock as “Up.”
My, my, my how an hour changes things. While changing your mind has been the name of the game on BIP, and Jordan’s not the first person to crush someone’s hopes, but his post-date convo letting Annaliese know that he’d keep her on the back-burner was an incredible shitlord move. At least Dean had some outward remorse.
Jordan may outwardly say that he doesn’t sweat Davids, but David has a four-acre estate in his head.
Jubilee – Stagnant
“I totally have that app” said Jubilee, about Venmo, one of the most popular apps in the world.
Chelsea – Stagnant
Pretty meh on Chelsea and her prospects for the season, but that convo with Nick was incredible. Don’t think she saw much screen time after TSN left.
Dean – Stock Down
Guy isn’t even on the show but still gets brought up as the prime example of being a dick. Damn, Deanie Babies. Nice stache though.
Hello old friend, it’s been great spending time with you again. It’s crazy to look back and see how far this trip has taken us but I’m grateful you’ve been with me every step of the way. In Japan, you were just a baby when we went to that baseball game together, still unsure of what you would eventually become. You’d grown just enough for snorkeling with manta rays in Indonesia and by the time we rode motorcycles to the North of France, you really began to take shape. The unfortunate reality of it all is that we will never truly see you reach your full potential. I’m not sure why you only seem to come around when I’m traveling but I always appreciate your company. Now that the trip is drawing to a close, its time for us to part ways fondly and eager to meet again. Just remember; this isn’t good bye, it’s see you later. Most importantly, thank you for keeping my upper lip warm #travelingmustache #anodetomymustache #ineedmorefriends #thisiswhattravelingalonedoestome
Annaliese – Down
Annaliese had a bonafide opportunity slip through her fingers. Last season we watched Kristina become America’s sweetheart after getting run-around by Dean. She held her head high and walked her ass out of Paradise with her stock through the roof and has been slinging products on Instagram ever since:
Annaliese on the other hand, after having Jordan basically Heisman her, went to desperation city. She had the sympathy card in her hand and lit it on fire.
Venmo John – Stagnant
This MF used the word “cooties.” Not ideal. BUT, he still scored two dates and managed to organically drop that he made Venmo during one of them. Stock could be possibly trending in the right direction.
Bibiana – Stagnant
I just don’t want her to see this and try to find me and fight me.
Wills – Enron-Level
Shocked. Absolutely shocked. Wills getting dicked out of that final rose because the producers wanted to keep Colton on was like Enron going belly-up. I expected Wills to rule BIP. If we’re being honest, this one hurt personally. RIP, sweet prince.
Astrid – Stagnant
Caroline – Stagnant
Welcome back. Enjoy fighting a vet for Venmo John.
Colton – Down
I don’t fault the guy at all for wanting to seek other options, because 1. That’s the name of the BIP game, and 2. Tia sucks.
However, your stock can’t be headed up when you have to do the 5 min before rose ceremony scramble for a rose, or when you sob uncontrollably over your TV show ex girlfriend of 1.5 months. Took Wills’ rose and then cried like a four-year-old whose goldfish died. Get outta here with that.
While I normally frown on snitches in this franchise, throwing Chris under every tire on the bus was a great move that I appreciated. I’m willing to look at Colton making a run later this season.
Tia – Stock Tanked
— Kyle Bandujo (@kylebandujo) August 14, 2018
Tracksuit Nick – Buy, Buy, Buy
Like watching the Hindenburg blow up in the best possible way. Sign me up for a reality show with this guy just getting turned down at bars.
I mean, I’m not advocating that any woman should’ve given him a rose, because he’s a dumpster fire, but man that dude is entertaining.
Chris Harrison – Stagnant
Linen pants still look great, but not a whole lot out of CH this week.
Yuki – Up
Roasting Colton’s virginity in broken English is enough to shoot your stock through the roof.
Wells – All The Way Up
Chris looked so stupid in that headband. Wells looked fucking awesome in it. I need a buddy-cop show with him and Yuki & I needed it yesterday. Also, potential guest on The DadGum Podcast? Yeah, maybe:
Yeah, I’ll come on your pod. For the record, I’d short sell my ass
— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) August 8, 2018
We Touched Base with Bachelor contestant Brittany T. on the finale, the franchise as a whole, and life in general. Give it a listen on iTunes or on Soundcloud below.