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Ooooooh Tuesday Night.
It’s Bachelor In Paradise season, folks. Personally, I prefer Paradise to the actual Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. To me, BIP is a bit more authentic (as authentic as a reality dating show can be) and you just get more personality out.
All these idiots also get the benefit of already having seen themselves on TV, so personality rebirths can happen here. Bad showing on the main show? Change yourself for the better. This unfortunately can also work in the reverse, as last season we watched Dean enter BIP a blue-chipper and leave more hated than O.J. in 1994.
The stock of this cast of characters will definitely fluctuate over the course of the next few weeks, but for now we’re setting the market based on past performance & the early returns from last night’s episode.
Episode One – Down
Don’t get me wrong, still love this show. But right off the bat, far too much: Tia, Colton, and Chris. Far too little: Wells, Wills, and Kenny. Why feed us fast food when there’s a quality steakhouse available? I just don’t get it.
Kendall – Stagnant
Came into BIP thinking the whole “she’s weird because she likes taxidermy” thing was more of a bit, but then she hit Grocery Store Joe with “have you seen a dead body?” so I’m not really sure where Kendall is going to take us this season. Love her choice of Joe, though.
Kenny – Up
I absolutely ride for my man Kenny. Just love this guy. He’s my Donald Trump; could shoot a guy in the middle of 5th Ave. & I’d still ride for him.
Single dads have to go to bat for each other, so I’m ready for the summer of Kenny King in paradise. Also, this picture forever:
Kevin – Down
Being the guy that’s hoping for Krystal to show up is never a good look, ever. I didn’t have any background on him before the show, but had I known he was the douche doing nothing but bicep curls in front of the mirror at every gym ever, I would’ve absolutely pegged he and Krystal as a couple made in hell.
Krystal – Down
Pros for Krystal: She mostly eliminated that fake-ass whisper voice.
Cons for Krystal: She is still Krystal.
Grocery Store Joe – Up
Joe rode a massive Twitter popularity wave to Paradise after his one-and-done performance with Becca. Hell of a second chance for our guy. Low-key also bringing the best accent of the entire cast.
From getting booted on night one of The Bachelorette to getting the first makeout sesh of BIP, I’m beyond impressed. GSJ seems to be wanted by many and beloved by all; a rising star in this year’s crop.
Chris – Down
Chris & Tia went on the first date of the season, and both deserve each other. I mean that in the worst way, as watching both of them onscreen is about as fun as drinking used toilet water.
Chris’ sense of self-importance is perhaps rivaled by no one on this show (which is really saying something), so watching Colton swoop in to grab Tia was the only time I’ll ever be happy watching Tia get what she wants. Oh, anyone want to see the doucheiest Instagram picture of all-time?
Angela – Stagnant
I honestly couldn’t pick Angela out of a three-person lineup.
David – Stock Tanked
David should be beat up by a group of teenagers. And his golf swing is trash.
Eric – Stagnant
Potentially the episode’s biggest letdown. Eric came in with that new beard energy but really didn’t make his mark in any way.
Nysha – Stagnant
Poor girl’s only screen time was standing next to Jordan. Brutal showing, best wishes for later in the season.
Jordan – Down
I truly tried to go into BIP giving Jordan a clean slate. Really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I do believe he’s actually being his true authentic self.
The issue is that his true authentic self is an absolute shitstain with no self-awareness. Thoughts and prayers to Nysha for having to endure a conversation with him in the pool on the first night. I mean, we as Americans were forced to watch this chump make a fucking $.50 bet. Awful. Although, I will concede that him being a little instigator with Chris was a great watch.
Also, making me watch his stupid feud with David but posting shit like this behind the scenes has me heated:
Chelsea – Stagnant
Pretty meh on Chelsea and her prospects for the season, but that convo with Nick was incredible.
Annaliese – Down
Stay away from Jordan & bumper cars, girl.
Venmo John – Down
The Venmo app is great, but no one has done more damage to themselves while talking into a camera since Robert Durst.
Bibiana – Stagnant
I just don’t want her to see this and try to find me and fight me.
Wills – Blue Chip Stock
Wills is the Apple or Google stock of BIP. New hairdo, chill vibe, & an outside chance to maybe ascend to the top of the potential next Bachelor power rankings. NEED more Wills next week.
Astrid – Stagnant
Meh.
Colton – Down
Wanted all the cameras on he and Tia’s boat date to fall in the water and become unworkable.
Tia – Stock Tanked
The Dollar General version Raven needs to go away. Far, far, far too much Tia onscreen last night.
Tracksuit Nick – Up
“I love moms, and moms usually love me.” Tracksuit Nick would make the best fucking stepdad. His conversation with Chelsea might’ve gone up in flames, but that implosion + defeated belly flop honestly might be a sneaky all-time top-five Bachelor-franchise moment for me.
Chris Harrison – Up
Those linen pants on the beach are absolute fire.
Wells – All The Way Up
Wells, you’re not a dad, but would you like to come on The DadGum Podcast? Or maybe just like, come and hang out with me? This man is the GOAT. Just look at this stud:
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We Touched Base with Bachelor contestant Brittany T. on the finale, the franchise as a whole, and life in general. Give it a listen on iTunes or on Soundcloud below.
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Astrid? You mean Assturd
Kendall is def a freak right?? I shamelessly like Jordan, huge douche but he has some good jabs
Nick is a boss. Jordan is an ass but he owns it.
Chris hit every influence cliche in the book there, along with some unnecessary commas and misspellings. At least it wasn’t a douchey close up pic..
Forgot how much I loathe Krystal. Wouldn’t be sad if her & Jordan fall off a boat in the middle of the ocean this season.
Eric also had that weird booger exchange with bibs at the end. Worth watching if you missed it.
Wills low key stole the show when you hear him yell: “Hey Jordan, David’s here” just stirring that pot.
Hold up, I thought wells had a gf? I mean money is money though…
He does. He’s the bartender and basically just gives advice to everyone.
he’s the bartender
Sarah Hyland