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Thank God this is over. I hate myself for watching every minute (Besides Robby and Amanda’s date) from start to finish. Now I’ve got a few months to figure out what this grey-haired dude Arie is all about. The final stock watch for this year’s Bachelor in Paradise.
Kristina – All The Way Up (Last Week: Way Up)
Kristina got to live the scorned lover’s dream. She got to watch her ex-lover pine over her, and then roast his ass over the coals like a stuck pig. Big things coming in the future for Kristina.
Adam – Up (Last Week: Way Up)
I wrote a bit before I watched the final show about how Adam did great this season but just didn’t come out on top. It was a wonderful analogy comparing him with the 2017 Minnesota Twins.
But holy shit, do you believe in miracles? YES! Adam’s run in Paradise was fucking legendary. The man started as a “How’d he make it that far in his season?” to meeting-the-parents with Raven. Adam went on a Linsanity-like run; two-week hot streak that brought the guy to the top of a mountain. It’s about time being the most genuine guy on a dating show actually pays off.
Jack Stone – Down (Last Week: On The Rise)
“He said let’s leave as friends holding hands, but friends don’t really hold hands. And if I’m being honest, up until this point we’ve talked about like, the weather.”
And with that, Jack Stone’s stock died a miserable death.
The Twins – Stagnant (Last Week: Down)
They’re borderline too obnoxious, even for this show, but they’re a pair of instigators and it works. Anyone who kicks Robby down a hill deserves at least a halt in falling stock.
Robby – Down (Last Week: Stagnant)
After treading water all season, Robby got hit with “it’s not you” and gave us some TV tears. More time to perfect that tan and that hairstyle buddy.
And Robby, WHAT HAPPENED IN COLORADO? Dude got put in the fire and started panicking. Good luck with the social media, fam.
Amanda – Up (Last Week: Stagnant)
She left Paradise in a terrible situation last year with Josh Murray, but our token single mom learned from her mistakes. She saved herself from a lifetime of man-tans and twenty years down the road where Robby is covering up his cul-de-sac with wisps of his remaining side hair.
Amanda’s Kids – Up
Mommy is home and Josh Murray or Robby isn’t with her. Huge win.
Lacey – Up (Last Week: Up)
Hearing “you bad girl” come from Daniel and Lacey’s fantasy suite made me want to throw myself through the fucking window. Despite getting emotionally crushed by Daniel, Lacey might’ve had the best redemption on the final show.
From someone I wanted off the show in the beginning, watching her get to shit all over Daniel’s 50 IQ was excellent. I don’t want her on Paradise again, but bravo. If anyone mic dropped, it was Lacey.
These are the two weirdest goddamn people on the planet.
Daniel – Way Down (Last Week: Up)
You can’t put an idiot in the hot seat and expect any good things to happen to the guy. This weird dumb bastard was always destined to go down in a hail of self-inflicted gunfire.
Demario – Down
A rapist? No. A guy who wore a white button-down all the way buttoned up with no tie? Yes. Unfortunate look to say the least.
D-Lo – Up (Last Week: Down)
D-LO FROM THE TOP ROPE WITH THE RECEIPTS! Surprise stock rebound for “the other woman.”
Derek & Taylor – Down (Last Week: Down)
I’ve never been so disgusted listening to sex puns in my entire life. I hope no one goes to their wedding.
Dean – Buried Deep In The Sand Never To Be Seen Again (Last Week: Stock Tanked)
Dean got booed at the beginning of studio show like he was 2004-2016 A-Rod. That was the high point of his night. The one thing I can say for Dean is there was acknowledgment in both his words and his dead soulless eyes that he really shit the bed on this.
But sweet Jesus, my man got flamed. He almosttttt skated by with some dignity until D-Lo brought the receipts on his ass
Dean’s Nose – Down
Tip of this poor thing was ravaged by tears and lack of sunscreen.
Ben Z’s Dog – Up
Daddy came home, he got some great TV time looking like a handsome dog, and his owner didn’t bring someone like Jasmine or Christen home with him.
Diggy – Down
“I think she’ll be ecstatic and you know, appreciate the news” – Diggy, assuming incorrectly that Jaimi wants to leave Paradise with him.
Raven – Up (Last Week: Up)
Raven left this season as the Queen B, and made the best possible relationship choice available, as I think everyone can unanimously agree that Adam is a pretty damn decent dude. No one saw it coming, but no one hates that it happened either.
Christen – Bankrupt (Last Week: Way Down)
Need to be done with Scallop Fingers.
Peter – Up (Last Week: Up)
Just so handsome. Saved his reputation by not becoming The Bachelor.
Jasmine – Bankrupt (Last Week: Bankrupt)
If I ever see Jasmine on my TV again it’ll be too soon. She’ll unfortunately likely be on next summer because she’s psychotic.
Wells – All The Way Up (Last Week: All The Way Up)
Please hang out with me, please. Series mainstay for the near future. .
Image via Twitter