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Life around the office isn’t as relaxed as it was in your college life. Performance is always being evaluated, people are working hard, and stress is palpable. There are always going to be moments that are unbearable, as the most awkward moments in your postgrad life are usually going to outweigh the awkward moments you experienced in college. Waking up in a stranger’s bed or showing up to class with a magic marker dick on your forehead are no longer your worst nightmares.
Yet another morning meeting has begun at your office. Managers drawl on about time-filling nonsense, and you just want to get back to work. Finally, some concerns about your department arise. But you know your boss is wrong. You went over the numbers after staying late last night and sent them an email explaining the error this morning. You are frozen in panic. This could easily have been handled had they just checked their email before coming into work this morning. So you speak up and correct them. A painful silence overtakes the room as they begin to back pedal. The mood in the room becomes tense and there’s stifled laughter. Hopefully they take it in stride and don’t yell at you or fire you for being an insolent subordinate.
Most offices are filled with older folks who have just completely given up or don’t care about what their co-workers think about them. They sit in their corner cubicle, with a space heater turned all the way up, sucking the moisture out of the office air. You might catch them picking their nose and then eating it, cutting a loud fart, belching or hocking a disgusting loogie and then swallowing it. There’s a gross-out in every office. The problem is, this person is so beyond giving any fucks about what people think about them that they cannot be reasoned with. They will continue their atrocious behavior until the day they retire. But sometimes people just have to relieve themselves by any means necessary. Maybe they thought no one was watching and decided to go digging for gold, or pushed out a hot fart when everyone besides you was at lunch.
It’s Wednesday around 3pm and there‘s still some work to be done, but you‘ve had enough of slaving away for the day. Maybe you should take the initiative to make a few phone calls or send some emails, maybe plan out the rest of your week, but you just got the latest cat video that’s sweeping the internet. The cat video leads way to the Kate Upton Cat Daddy video, which leads way to you watching The Evolution of Dance four times. Little did you know that your boss was standing behind you the entire time you were researching your upcoming fantasy baseball draft. This will inevitably lead to the “Are you just in this for the paycheck?” speech from your boss, which in turn makes you lose sleep for the next month wondering about your job security. The “everyone else does it” excuse could apply here, but this isn’t the time or place. You are presented with two options: 1) Work harder. 2) Work harder on looking busy.
You shared an office with them for about six months and the two of you really bonded over your postgrad struggles. You went and got drinks after work on occasion, but you thought it was clear that you only wanted to be friends. Well, now you’ve seen them out drinking and they’ve tried to make out with you on several drunken occasions. They haven’t quite admitted their crush on you, but you see the way they look at you around the office. Getting stuck alone with them on the elevator has been torture ever since they tried the old “let’s share a cab home from happy hour and maybe I’ll come upstairs and try to get in your pants” move. Do not give into your primal urges, though. Letting down your guard might result in…
You Hooked Up With Someone In The Office
Now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve crossed into the danger zone. Office happy hour got a bit out of hand and you stepped over the line. You dipped your pen in the company ink. A sloppy makeout by the bathroom led to you two sneaking out the back of the bar and heading to your apartment where you engaged in consensual, adult passions. Shortly after a (hopefully) shared climax, the two of you realize your awful, inebriated mistake. You’re going to have to see someone that you had sex with, but don’t necessarily like, every single day. It’s hard enough seeing ex-hookup buddies at the bar when you’re shitfaced, now you’re going to have to act professionally around one of them at your job. Hopefully you weren’t planning on courting someone other than your co-worker/one-time lover, otherwise jealousy might give way to an explosive office outburst by your estranged lover, likely leading to a lengthy meeting with HR.
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TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour