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Though I spent a lot of my time traveling, my travels have somehow never taken me to the great state of Texas. With my wedding rapidly approaching I decided to make Austin the destination for my bachelor party. Below is a breakdown of my recently concluded long weekend in Austin with 13 of my closest male friends and family members.
Wrecked my shoulder, broken foot in the crew and Austin PD called on us Friday night
Successful quinceañera
— JR Hickey (@JRwilldoit) June 10, 2018
Foreshadowing…
Thursday, June 7th
8:00 a.m.: I had an earlyish flight from SFO to AUS so I quickly stopped in at the United Lounge to enjoy some breakfast before boarding.
This cocktail was as weak as Micah’s “one weak cocktail” trend.
9:00 a.m.: I requested an upgrade to first class (it was my Quinceañera weekend after all) but the airline couldn’t grant it as there were clearly some oil tycoons flying that Thursday afternoon who had higher Priority than me. So instead I had to settle for my standard Economy Plus aisle seat. Which was fine because I was planning on just complaining until I got a free flight voucher and all would be right again in the world.
3:00 p.m.: Landed at AUS with nothing in my stomach besides three additional plane cocktails. The plan was to go straight to Grandex HQ, but I needed to eat something first. So I ordered what any normal Californian would order at an airport: a chopped salad with chicken, veggie chips and a bottle of Fiji water. The girl ringing me up looked at my order and exclaimed, “Man, y’all being healthy today!” which made me feel a confusing mixture of shame and superiority. I love Texas already.
4:00 p.m.: I finally fulfilled my weeklong dream of meeting the entire content crew at Grandex and was blessed with the opportunity to record the DadGum Podcast with Kyle Bandujo and Peter Hart.
Wrecked my shoulder, broken foot in the crew and Austin PD called on us Friday night
Successful quinceañera
— JR Hickey (@JRwilldoit) June 10, 2018
Upon meeting Kyle, I immediately made a crack about his height which is something an insecure comedian (read: asshole) does when he’s in an unfamiliar situation. Sorry Crash, it’s not you it’s me.
6:00 p.m.: Pete gave me a lift from HQ to drop me with my Best Man and groomsmen who had just landed. He even joined us for a beer and got a little insight into why I am the way I am – I grew up with giants for friends who peppered my teenage years with random acts of assault.
8:00 p.m.: At Pete’s recommendation, we ate at Freedmen’s BBQ. Great outdoor space with a chill vibe and an 18 year old waiter who thought we were joking when we ordered shots as we sat down.
10:00 p.m.: We walked thirty feet to Tap 24, the adjacent sports bar to watch the Capitals clinch the Stanley Cup. Watching live sports without being able to place a wager got one of my degenerate friends all hot and bothered so we inquired where the nearest casino was. We were aghast to learn that there are none in the state of Texas. So we decided to call it an early night and head back to the hotel. The real party started Friday anyways.
Friday, June 8th
9:00 a.m.: Breakfast at Cherrywood Coffeehouse. Not much to report here besides one of my friends who’s dating a virgin trying to convince us of its merits for the tenth time.
10:30 a.m.: We picked up Hickey Brothers #1 and #2 from the airport and then went straight to have our first HEB experience. It was here that we learned in Texas not only do they not have casinos but you can only buy liquor from a liquor store. So we settled for 400 beers and one bag of chips for less than $200. That is not a joke.
1:00 p.m.: We had a house reserved on South Congress through Turnkey. They told us they’d let us know that morning if we could get a noon check-in, or else we couldn’t check-in until 3 p.m. So we posted up at Guero’s Tacos on South Congress and waited to hear from Turnkey while the rest of the crew rolled in.
By the fucking way, you know the phrase “Everything’s Bigger in Texas?” That doesn’t apply to the margaritas at Guero’s, which should have come in sippy cups.
2:30 p.m.: After a few hours of awkward small talk at the table (How do you know JR? What do you do for work? I don’t know why I was invited either!) we were finally able to head to the house, which had “just been finished getting cleaned.”
The house was huge with 7 bedrooms, 3 baths and a refrigerator that hadn’t been plugged-in in weeks. We quickly realized that Turnkey was completely full of shit and nobody had been in the house the night before so the fridge would take about 24 hours to get cold. The house also had a pool and was located right next to a middle school with a football field.
Notice the lack of fence around the football field. More foreshadowing…
7:00 p.m.: Dinner that night was at El Alma’s. We’d had a few hours of drinking and bonding in the pool so the table of dudes was nice and loosey goosey.
8:00 p.m.: We took 3 x Ubers to Rainey street to catch Game 4 of the NBA Finals at an outdoor table at Alibi. After the most anticlimactic championship game of professional sports I’d ever seen, we made our way down Rainey to a few other bars. Container Bar (hard pass) and Lucille’s (thoroughly enjoyed it).
1:00 a.m.: A few hours later we were back at the house sufficiently inebriated. Somebody started throwing a football around and someone else (me) said, “Hey, let’s go to that football field next door!” So 12 grown men walked down to the elementary school field and proceeded to have an absolute ball.
For the next 2 and a half hours we ran fade routes, kicked field goals and drank beer. As one member of the crew (a Texan) pointed out as we were all sitting on the 50 yard line, it couldn’t have been a more Texas moment.
— JR Hickey (@JRwilldoit) June 12, 2018
3:30 a.m.: We got word there was pizza back at the house. After a few seconds of debating whether or not to bring the pizzas down to the field, we decided to head back. It was then that two Austin police cruisers that had been sitting across the street with their lights off pull out onto the road and follow us home. I for one was shocked that a dozen giants screaming, swearing, drinking and chucking a football around at a middle school at 3 a.m. would draw the attention of the police.
We get into the house faster than you can say misdemeanor and the cops park right out front. We realize after a few minutes of sweating that they’re not coming in and instead are simply making sure we don’t leave.
Saturday, June 9th
9:30 a.m.: Rolling Revival, Austin’s #1 mobile hangover cure, arrived at the house and we piled in. The Best Man grabs two dozen breakfast tacos from Torchys and we enjoy a hearty breakfast while having our average 30+ year old bodies pumped full of fluids, vitamins and anti-inflammatory via IV drip.
While pricier than you would expect, $120-140 depending on the treatments you choose, I would still highly recommend. My headache and nausea quickly disappeared and my energy level was at an all time high.
1:00 p.m.: The gang traveled to County Line BBQ for lunch, where we loaded up on meats before our afternoon boat ride. Now I’d heard County Line was nothing special, and I agree it wasn’t the best food we’d had that weekend but it still was delicious Texas BBQ. We played credit card roulette for the nearly $500 check and my card was third out of the hat so I was happy. My Australian friend Nick who was stuck with the bill wasn’t, and he became even more unhappy as the night went on given what happened just a few hours later.
Additional foreshadowing…
3:00 p.m.: We board Big Blue, our boat for the afternoon and Captain Chris takes us down Lake Austin (aka the Colorado River) to the Party Cove…
As you can see from the above video, we spent the next four hours discussing current events and sharing our favorite passages from literature with some local Austin scholars in about 3 feet of filthy sludge water. In my overzealous state, I dove sideways off Big Blue onto one of those yellow lily pads and destroyed my shoulder. My right arm hung limply at my side the remainder of the evening.
Nick the Aussie was the first into the water and he decided that front flipping in was the way to go. Judging by the looks of his pinky toe following the front flip, he was being a stupid bugger.
8:00 p.m.: After showering off the mud, glass and hepatitis at the house, we headed out for one last night on Rainey Street. Dinner was at the food trucks and the remainder of the night was spent at Icenhauer’s.
1:00 a.m.: The crew was halved partway through the night, so when we all arrived back at the house we sat outside around the pool shooting the shit together. Three quarters of the squad had early flights so it was our last few hours together.
10:00 a.m.: With the house mostly empty and fucking shitty Turnkey kicking us out at the ungodly hour of 10:00 a.m. the few remaining stragglers had hungover breakfast tacos at Torchy’s once again. We then made our way to the airport and said our goodbyes at the Kiss n Fly.
In 48 short hours, a lake’s worth of beer was drank, bones were broken, enemies became friends and friends became enemies. There was none of that unnecessary drama that some bachelor parties have with strippers or infighting or death. Couldn’t have asked for a better weekend and 10/10 would experience again.
Well what do you local Austinites think? How’d I do?.
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Great call on El Alma. Often overlooked.
Funny story, I was on a party barge that went to the same cove as JR’s, but we left as they were coming in. Literally two ships passing.
Pretty solid itinerary but for a bachelor party AND your first Austin trip, a combo of dirty 6th/West 6th is a must. That’s like going to New Orleans and not going to Bourbon street.
You pretty much liked the bars I like (Lucille, Icenhauer’s) and dislike the ones I do (Container, especially at night, kinda fun during the day on weekends).
took off at 9am and landed at 3am? Didn’t realize SFO to AUS was an 18 hr flight
That’s on me.
I think his time stamps or a typo…that or he was able to bend time
Layovers?
Somewhat disappointed at the lack of mention of Cherrywood’s Breakfast Tacos. Was my first introduction to breakfast tacos and have been thinking about coming back to Austin just for those, but that could just be me.
Y’all weren’t the guys wearing the matching black t-shirts on Rainey, were you?
When did bachelor/bachelorette parties become such elaborate affairs? I didn’t feel like it was so long ago when they were pretty much a steak dinner or a trip within driving distance
What the bachelor wants, the bachelor gets…if you’re gonna be a Negative Nancy don’t go. My friend wanted a huge blow out weekend in Vegas, so he got it. My brother wants a quiet fishing trip with a small group, he gets it.
I’m not too worried about any of my friends doing something I can’t afford. I mostly worry about that for my older brother
You have your whole life to save. If there is anything worth dipping into saving and strgglung for a few months after, it is your brother’s bachelor party. And if there are activities too expensive for you, just take a few hours and regroup with them after. I’m sure his friends couldn’t care less if you were there every second.
Good point. I’m cutting back over the year to save for it and his wedding. My anxiety about is more that I’m much younger than him, and him and his friends make much more than I do. But I appreciate the kick in the ass