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There are a few big moments in any relationship. The first kiss, the first time you hook up, the first time you sleepover without hooking up. There’s the first time you manage to hang out without being drunk, the first time you go on a trip together, and the first time you accidentally let one rip. And while all of those are huge and relationship-changing, there’s one that truly defines who you are and what kind of couple you have become: The first time you pee in front of each other.
Now, there are two, maybe more, schools of thought on this topic. The first is that we all pee, it’s no big deal, and you might as well normalize it as soon as possible. The second, however, is a little hazier. It’s the thought that, while we all go to the bathroom, there’s something to be said for a little mystery in our lives and relationships. The secret that, when we go into the restroom and lock the door, any number of things could be happening. Still, whether you’re a pee-on-the-first date or die-without-doing it kind of person, it says more about you than just how dehydrated you are.
In every group, there’s the weirdo. The strange one. The person who will happily pull his dick out and put it in a candle for $10 (how is this a thing?). These are the people with zero boundaries. Actually, scratch that. These are the people with negative boundaries. The gross couple that shares a toothbrush and pieces of gum and baby bird’s food into each other’s mouths. Odds are they peed in front of each other before they exchanged numbers, and from there, things just got even more strange. If this is you, know just: The rest of the world holds a sort of sick respect for you. While we all make fun of you, the truth is, it takes some giant ass balls to pull off that kind of shit.
So, the honeymoon phase is just starting to fizzle out, and your true colors are beginning to show. This is when the shaving slows down, the personal hygiene comes to a halt, and for some, all semblance of being respectable humans gets flushed down the toilet. While you’re still trying to impress each other occasionally, the fake walls you built to hide the fact that you’re a degenerate slowly fall down. One day you’re holding in your farts and the next day you’re barging in on each other on the shitter just to get something from the bathroom. Sure, it happened a little earlier for you, but when you find ~your person,~ why wait?
At this point, you’re most likely either living together or you tell people you “practically are,” even though you’re still too scared to take the leap. Your shit is all over their place and visa versa. Your default plans are always to be together and while there’s still the occasional date night or special event, for the most part, you’ve both become the gross humans you’ve always dreamt of being. When you finally let your pee free, it most likely just happened. Someone walked in one someone, there was an embarrassed chuckle over it, and that was that. The start of something new. The beginning of the end. You know what they say: first comes peeing in front of each other, then comes marriage. #RingBySpring
The fact that you haven’t peed in front of each other yet is a feat in itself. You’ve met each other’s families, you’ve both likely projectile vomited after one too many margs, and at least one of you has gotten food poisoning after eating at that sketchy place down the street. And yet, despite all of the other life events and bodily fluids you’ve been exposed to, the ole squat/stand and spill was still something you had. Something you clung to. Something that said, “I know all of the special, romantic fantasies we had are shattered, but at least we haven’t pissed in front of each other.”
Whether it was by choice or change (but come on. It had to be by choice), it just didn’t happen. And odds are when it did, it was a big event. It took discussions, trust, and mutual agreement that you were taking this step together. You weighed the pros and cons. You chatted about the ramifications. And you looked the unknown in the 2-ply face and said “sharing a one bed, one bath will greatly cut down on rent, so fuck it. We’re going to have to be cool with the other coming in the bathroom while one of us pees.” Still, you put up a good fight.
And then, there are the strange ones. The ones who, despite the fact that they’ll vomit and give birth and subject their loved ones to drunken events with their shitty friends, they won’t pee in their presence. Maybe it’s a childhood thing, maybe daddy issues are involved. But whatever is it, these folks are up to something. It just makes you wonder: if you can spend your entire life hiding the fact that you pee from your partner, what else are you capable of concealing? *bum bum bummmm*
I’m not sure who’s weirder: the people who pee in front of each other right away, or the people who never do. That said, whatever side you’re on, I think there’s one thing we can agree on — only a monster would shit with the door open..