There are lots of complicated things out there in the world. Dating, families, setting up wifi and…dining out? Well, apparently the answer to the last one is yes, according to the folks at Eater anyway, who state that, “The world of dining and drinking is an obstacle course wrapped in a labyrinth wrapped in a logic puzzle — it’s full of pitfalls, gray areas, and bewildering questions.”
That sentence is enough to make me wonder where the hell these people are going out to eat. I mean, I personally don’t find dining out all that stressful, but who am I to judge? Maybe there are people who find going to a place where other people prepare their food a taxing experience. So much so that Eater has dedicated an entire series to these anxieties called Life Coach, which “is a series of simple guides to the arcane rituals of modern dining.”
In this latest edition of the column, author Hillary Dixler drops some knowledge on us about “How To Be On Time For Dinner,” which I personally would have titled “How Not To Be The Asshole That Makes Your Friends Wait to Eat,” but that’s neither here nor there. Among the ingenious tips Hillary shares with us:
Make A Reservation
Um, doesn’t everyone do this? I mean, who doesn’t love Open Table points?
Put Dinner In Your Calendar
But only if you’re the kind of asshole that doesn’t remember when you make plans with your friends.
Be Realistic About Transit
That one time you made it across town in ten minutes? It will never happen again. Accept it.
Avoid Last-Minute Dithering
Let’s be honest about this and just budget in the 20 minutes you are going to sit around in your towel looking at your phone.
Use An Early Warning System
AKA texting your friend as soon as you know you’re going to be late, you jerk.
Being Early Is The Greatest
…because it gives you time to knock back a martini at the bar before your friends show up.
Well, friends, there you have it. Hopefully that relieves some of your apprehensions about how to be on time for dinner, nevermind going to a restaurant, having people wait on you, ordering from a neatly printed list of meals and eating food that other people have prepared. Nerve-wracking stuff, I tell you. Positively nerve-wracking.