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I like working at Grandex. Creating content and award-winning podcasts is a hell of a lot better than most 9-5s. We get catered lunch every Friday, full health and dental benefits, and a fine selection of snacks in the office kitchen (including cashews, a healthy snack that pairs perfectly with a banana). Sure, I’m not permitted to enter Content Alley without Dave or Dillon’s permission and I get attacked and banana-spammed on social media daily, but it’s really a small price to pay. I’m from Austin and work two minutes from my parents, so I’m not really looking to go anywhere.
All that being said, there is one job opportunity that peaks my interest. Amazon. The online retailer has long offered well-publicised killer employee perks. According to the Wall Street Journal, they include dry cleaning, haircuts, cold-brew coffee, nap pods and in-house yoga classes, among other things. All good right? Maybe not.
I’ve got several friends who worked for Amazon, and their experiences were all similar, and all universally bad. The company hired them with a lucrative signing bonus, then immediately worked them into the ground. Stories of crying in the office, working long hours, and co-workers tearing apart ideas have been well documented and confirmed to me by all my former Amazonian friends. I’ve been told around 80% of Amazon’s Q4 workforce turns over, and that leaves full timers constantly in scramble mode. Doesn’t sound fun.
But you know? I’m willing to give it a try. Why? Because bananas. From the WSJ:
It started with a brainstorm from founder and CEO Jeff Bezos that Amazon should offer everyone near its headquarters—not just employees—healthy, eco-friendly snacks as a public service. After considering oranges, Amazon picked bananas, and opened its first Community Banana Stand in late 2015.
It has since expanded to two stands on its corporate campus, which sprawls across several blocks in downtown Seattle, and says it has given out more than 1.7 million free bananas.
As you all know, I’m a banana guy. That’s because bananas are incredible. According to a banana history published by the University of California-Santa Cruz, bananas are the fourth most important crop worldwide. The fruit is non-seasonal, and available year-round. They can be picked unripened and transported around the world without losing their integrity.
Bananas are a perfect food for the on-the-go businessman like myself. They are portable, nutrient-rich, and self-contained. They even come individually wrapped in biodegradable packaging. Plus they are cheap. Have you ever thought about how a banana makes its way to you? They have to be grown in tropical climates. Yet, even if you’re in Omaha you’re still getting this delicious fruit for $.39/pound. That’s crazy. That’s bananas. Despite labor and shipping costs, bananas are still the cheapest fruit in the store. They are a modern miracle of engineering, ingenuity, and the human spirit.
I feel the same way about Amazon as a company. A modern miracle of engineering, ingenuity, and the human spirit. I am Amazon Prime. I rock the Prime Music, Watch “Curb Your Enthusiasm” on Prime Video, and spend way too much of my monthly salary ordering worthless shit with two-day free delivery. I love the free Washington Post subscription that comes with membership. I get it, my brand is radical, “buy local,” alt-leftist cuck, but I love going to my apartment and seeing two boxes on my back patio, even when I don’t remember what I ordered. There’s gotta be a place in this company for me.
More from WSJ:
“Banistas” oversee the wooden cart operation, stacking up a selection of fruit, which range from green to bright yellow, as fast as passersby can take them. They move about 8,000 a day, Monday through Friday, at the two stands, according to Amazon. Eric Mountcastle, who was promoted last year from front desk receptionist to “bananager” and team leader, keeps a spreadsheet tracking demand.
There’s a guy who’s worked his way from receptionist to “bananager.” That’s amazing. That’s the American Dream. That’s, well, bananas. .
[via WSJ]
Respond
@micahwiener
@micahwiener
micahtx
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There’s always money in the Banana Stand
“Do you have any questions about the position?”
“What’s your nanner policy?”
Damn Micah sad to see you go. Loved you on the pod. Don’t forget to follow him @micahtx on snapchat. Girls only
Micah is all about the Steak and Legs Wednesdays with bananas foster for dessert. Nice!
I was conveniently eating a banana while I read this.
Sup?
Micah did you see the Vice on the fungus that’s wiping out banana crops? Stay Woke!
bananas as we know them are going extinct!
All-in on Micah columns. Get this guy a desk in Content Alley.
Not really sure where else to mention this but Michah’s tweet about a handshake between Trump and Tajikistan’s president made twitter moments. Wasn’t expecting that.
Micah what are you gonna do when the Cavendish goes the way of the Gros Michel?
I’m glad you asked. I love a Red Dacca myself. I prefer a smaller fruit. Bananas will always survive.
Happy you’ve got a plan for a Cavendish-free future.
Any thoughts on plantains?
Micah’s sophomoric column is as good as his first. Would not hate to see more. Also fuck you Ham