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I need advice: Is there a happy medium between psycho clingy significant other and flaky hit-it and quit-it dating?
On my walk home from a mediocre bumble date last night, I was mulling over why I do it. Why do I date and what is it that I am searching for in what seems like an endless stream of vodka-sodas and ‘what do you do for a living’-isms.
I came to the conclusion that it’s not just to get laid. If I was dating just for sex, I would go to the bar, pick someone up and not waste any valuable time traipsing (read: Ubering) across the city to various craft beer establishments. I don’t go on one-off dates out of a desire to sleep with the masses as some sort of early 20s rite-of-passage. That part of my life has come and gone, and I’m glad to let it lie.
So then, if what I want is more than sex, am I looking for a relationship? I mean, kind of.
I crave companionship, I’m not unique in that regard. I want conversation and to sit in my apartment and drink wine and play cards and to make you laugh very hard because I’m very very funny. Don’t get me wrong, I also want sex, but I want it more than a few drunken nights. I want the comfortable laugh at weird noises sex.
In tandem, however, I also want my freedom. I am hyper-focused on my career, REALLY like to have a drink after work alone, and am particularly proud that I don’t share my location on Find My Friends with anyone (except my mom in case, you know, I get murdered on one of these dates).
I stay out late, wake up early, and I don’t always want to tell you my “game plan.” I get nervous if a guy suggests we book something farther out than a few weeks. Plus, I’m horrible at responding to texts, even though I have my read receipts on. Yes, some have called me a monster.
Right now, I don’t care if you post about me on your Instagram, or if your ex snaps you when she’s sad, or that you don’t call me your girlfriend at the office. If you’re seeing other people, tell me, and expect that I will do the same. Sometimes I get in a work hole and can’t text for two days – I need someone who doesn’t get emotionally wounded by that. I want a part-time relationship, because the rest of my life is pretty full-time right now.
I think what I’m saying is that I want to have my cake and eat it too, but is that an unrealistic, maybe even selfish desire?
With these parameters in mind, I have developed a rule. Well, not a rule so much as a guideline. I’m considering telling dates about my guideline upfront, or better yet, just making it my bumble bio.
I want a 2.5 boyfriend.
The 2.5 boyfriend is a male suitor that I see approximately 2.5 times a week; Two times in person and .5 times via an accumulation of texts, phone calls, and gifs sent at 3 in the morning.
The 2.5 relationship shouldn’t consume all of your time or be a pressure cooker of jealous Instagram stalking and/or obsessive LinkedIn searching. It should be respectful, and most importantly easy.
Really want to drown yourself in happy hour tacos and tequila on a Tuesday? Text me! I need a wedding date that can shred up the dance floor? I’ll text you! And if we can’t make it… that’s okay. We won’t go to bed wondering how the other feels, or conspiring how to discern if they’re seeing other people. There are no games allowed in the 2.5 relationship because any jealousy is squashed via completely transparent conversation and honesty about expectations.
I want someone to be a part of my life, but not all of it. I want to look back on my 2.5 relationship after it’s run its course and think – damn, I hope they’re well.
That is what I want and I can’t, for the life of me, find someone that wants to do it with me. I go on dates and it’s either, ‘I’m also sleeping with the bartender and only participate in open relationships’ kind of casual, or ‘I want to name my new dog after you’ kind of serious.
Is this because the 2.5 relationship is a pipe dream that doesn’t exist? If so, in your early 20s, is there any happy medium between one night stands and hyper-committed relationships?
I need answers stat. I’m going crazy over here. .
Respond
CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Pretty sure you’re just looking for a friend that you hook up with. That can’t be that hard to find
So, you want an honest relationship, where communication is at a premium, and jealous is non-existent? You want to have your own life and him have his? You have work and interests, he has work an interests…
I’m going to be honest, you just described a healthy relationship. You can call it whatever you want, part-time or otherwise, but that’s just what a solid relationship with two functioning adults looks like. Or should.
Came here to say the same thing. If two people trust and care about each other they don’t go on an Instagram stalking rage when one doesn’t text back. I work full time, and am getting my Masters full time, and my boyfriend is so supportive of that. He knows my free time is limited and I still want to see my friends/family, so he doesn’t give me shit for only seeing him once or twice a week.
You going to Stats on Sunday?
Lulu’s in Allston, one of my favorite brunches plus mimosa bucket.
I mean, yea, the way you describe it sounds peachy. But imagine being asked on Saturday what your significant other was doing this weekend, and responding not sure, haven’t talked to them in a few days. Routinely. Seems like two different lives to me.
We talk everyday, even if its just a quick check-in. It’s about priorities I guess, he is important to me so I make them time.
Funny, normally when I take off my pants, 2.5 gets an entirely different reaction. But overall, solid piece.
*Raises hand*
Not Crazy, this just sounds like the beginning of every rom com I’ve ever seen.
I was expecting this to be the most “sup’d” article of all time
same, genuinely shocked there aren’t more
This sounds a lot like my last adventure into dating. Also, sup?
A relationship where you hang out and bang a few nights a week and are free to live your own, independent life is basically my nirvana.
Dammit you just perfectly explained my situation. Work, school, family and friends take up 80% of my time. I just want someone to do nothing with on Saturday nights and who won’t get pissed when I forget to text back sometimes.
sup(1st one ever)