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A few months ago, my marriage ended before the ink was even dry on the marriage license, à la our Lord and Savior Kim Kardashian. When you’re only with someone for a few months, there isn’t a ton of time to accumulate a lot of assets, but there were a few shared ownership possessions that did not make it into my hands after the divorce. He can keep the TV and Tempurpedic mattress, I don’t care, but what I do give a shit about is my designer cookware.
As a bridal shower present, someone with more money than me was kind enough to gift a 10-piece copper cookware set from my favorite place in the entire world, Williams-Sonoma. While I’m no Ina Garten, I know my way around the kitchen well enough to appreciate some top-notch equipment. The non-stick coating on these bad boys and even heating capabilities was so spectacular, I would cum in the kitchen pretty much every time I used them. Even though I only had the opportunity to make a handful of meals, I formed a bond that can never be broken.
They ended up left behind at my ex’s place during separation. I asked if I could come claim what I feel is rightfully mine, and was met with a resounding no. Not only did he refuse to give back my 10-piece, but he also had the nerve to tell me to just pick up new cookware at Target if I needed one. Because some shitty neon orange Rachel Ray collab set will definitely be the same quality as my Willy S. pots and pans. Either he was trying to be an asshole, or he truly believes I can find a replacement at a big-box store. If it’s the latter, then I have a lot of questions.
I find myself lamenting over a Martha Stewart one-pan Orecchiette recipe I once made in the 10” skillet. I can say with 100% confidence that it was extra delicious because of the vessel it was prepared in. Copper brings out the flavor in a dish in ways you can’t imagine, and I now know that I didn’t appreciate this as much as I should have when it was available to me. You truly don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
At this point, I’m punching myself for not having the lawyer include them in the divorce proceeding paperwork. I NEED them back for my own well-being. I may be returning to court, especially if I can find a pro-bono kitchen essentials specialist. If need be, I can have dinner guests take the stand to vouch for me as the primary user & caregiver of the little angels. I will do anything necessary to convince a judge I should be granted full ownership. This may, in fact, be the custody battle of the century, more intense than Kramer v. Kramer. I fear my ex puts the 4-qt sauté pan in the dishwasher, and is possibly scorching the bottom of my babies every time he throws them on the stove. It’s negligence.
I have no legal rights to take them back, but I’m not above shady methods of extraction. This is a fight for justice and my Sunday brunch frittata.
If/when I find someone else, you can guess the first item that will be on our wedding registry, and this time I’m feeling the 12 piece with a matching roasting pan. .
Image via Shutterstock