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A few months ago, my marriage ended before the ink was even dry on the marriage license, à la our Lord and Savior Kim Kardashian. When you’re only with someone for a few months, there isn’t a ton of time to accumulate a lot of assets, but there were a few shared ownership possessions that did not make it into my hands after the divorce. He can keep the TV and Tempurpedic mattress, I don’t care, but what I do give a shit about is my designer cookware.
As a bridal shower present, someone with more money than me was kind enough to gift a 10-piece copper cookware set from my favorite place in the entire world, Williams-Sonoma. While I’m no Ina Garten, I know my way around the kitchen well enough to appreciate some top-notch equipment. The non-stick coating on these bad boys and even heating capabilities was so spectacular, I would cum in the kitchen pretty much every time I used them. Even though I only had the opportunity to make a handful of meals, I formed a bond that can never be broken.
They ended up left behind at my ex’s place during separation. I asked if I could come claim what I feel is rightfully mine, and was met with a resounding no. Not only did he refuse to give back my 10-piece, but he also had the nerve to tell me to just pick up new cookware at Target if I needed one. Because some shitty neon orange Rachel Ray collab set will definitely be the same quality as my Willy S. pots and pans. Either he was trying to be an asshole, or he truly believes I can find a replacement at a big-box store. If it’s the latter, then I have a lot of questions.
I find myself lamenting over a Martha Stewart one-pan Orecchiette recipe I once made in the 10” skillet. I can say with 100% confidence that it was extra delicious because of the vessel it was prepared in. Copper brings out the flavor in a dish in ways you can’t imagine, and I now know that I didn’t appreciate this as much as I should have when it was available to me. You truly don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.
At this point, I’m punching myself for not having the lawyer include them in the divorce proceeding paperwork. I NEED them back for my own well-being. I may be returning to court, especially if I can find a pro-bono kitchen essentials specialist. If need be, I can have dinner guests take the stand to vouch for me as the primary user & caregiver of the little angels. I will do anything necessary to convince a judge I should be granted full ownership. This may, in fact, be the custody battle of the century, more intense than Kramer v. Kramer. I fear my ex puts the 4-qt sauté pan in the dishwasher, and is possibly scorching the bottom of my babies every time he throws them on the stove. It’s negligence.
I have no legal rights to take them back, but I’m not above shady methods of extraction. This is a fight for justice and my Sunday brunch frittata.
If/when I find someone else, you can guess the first item that will be on our wedding registry, and this time I’m feeling the 12 piece with a matching roasting pan. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
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I have so many questions, and so few of them have to do with the cookware.
Thank God I’m not the only one, what the hell is going on in this article.
I have so many questions after this article, and none of them are about pans.
Duda is single… give him a call. He doesn’t have a mattress either.
Pay attention, Duda is no longer single
Duda is always single, regardless of what he says.
Red flags all over this article. So many red flags it could make a chain of amusement parks.
Underrated comment
“Go pick some up at Target.” This guy drives a red Mazda convertible, closes deals, and definitely fornicates.
@Dave?
Here is my in-depth analysis of this article since I’m basically the Architect if the Matrix:
First, your lord and savior is a woman who is famous for having a sex tape released of her blowing a then sort of famous rapper. The same woman’s father who was a lawyer in the O.J. Simpson case who got him off…(of murdering multiple people). That same woman who’s mother married gold medalist Bruce Jenner, who then morphed and shapeshifted into Caitlin Jenner, and is now this woman’s 2nd mother. They have a show called keeping up with the Kardashian’s even though much of the population is already ahead of them on an IQ basis which is sad because this world is literally filled with dumbass people. Back to my initial point, I know this is satire/sarcasm but this woman being someone you look up to is an extremely evident red flag.
You seemingly got married young and that lasted only a few months with this person and you let him keep a Tempurpedic mattress which costs thousands of dollars. Sleeping is over 1/3 of your life…you can buy copper cookware almost anytime and let’s be honest, affording food is going to be everyone’s main concern in the not-so-distant future.
You would lady-cum in your own kitchen which eludes to the fact that you were sexually frustrated with your male partner since he was unable to get the fingerprint scanner and passcode to work correctly to unlock your clitoris and open you up into a new dimension of pleasure. Also, that def violates some health codes since it’s a place of preparing food for other people.
Since you seemingly got divorced, you ask for assets back that have no real intrinsic value. Why not spend that alimony money that you’re sure to get on a new set of nice cookware?
Cookware is your main concern over losing someone you told the place that is ruled by an invisible guy along with lying to our government that you will spend the rest of your life with this person. I’m all about lying to the government but now you’ve helped the divorce statistics and you’ve reduced love to a number of failure percentages
Copper can be found in sedentary rocks or places with high volcanic activity so maybe use that alimony to take a trip to Hawaii or Pompeii before it ultimately goes up in flames. Copper is also highly oxidative which would lose its durability over time due to it losing electrons and turning green in color. This fact is seems to run parallel with the length of your marriage. Invest in gold instead since it will be more valuable once the economy and the dollar collapses and becomes debased in value.
If the next guy you choose to wed keeps the cookware, you can always light his house on fire and make it look like a “cooking” accident. And then you can scream “BAM!” In your testimony and go out in style like Emril
I was pretty sure I loved you before, but it has now been confirmed.
Love this!
K.
K2 Shadrack
You sound pretty psychotic.
This is fucking crazy and I love it.
Sup
You know she’s not a virgin, right?
There was a certain line in this article that made me spit coffee on my work computer.
Was it her doing her best Arnold pump impression.
Would it happen to be “my ex… is possibly scorching the bottom of my babies…”?