======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
“I think something’s wrong,” I croaked, reaching toward my giant Yeti and greedily sucking down a mouthful of water.
“What’s wrong?” my friend asked, feigning concern without looking up from whoever’s Instagram she had been silently stalking for the past 10 minutes.
“I can’t stop coughing up like, bile,” I choaked, bravely trying to get the words out. “I think I’m having an allergic reaction or something.”
I was sitting on the floor of my apartment after inhaling half of a pizza when it happened. After shoving the last bite of pepperoni pineapple down my gullet, I washed it down with the rest of my 5th glass of wine and laid down on the floor, as one does on a casual Thursday evening in your early twenties. Now, back in the day, this wasn’t an unusual diet for me. Before my metabolism decided to casually tell me to go fuck myself, pizza for dinner and pinot grigio to hydrate was as much of a staple as chicken and asparagus are in your late twenties.
But up until then, I never experienced any side effects (other than the slow, progressive weight gain that I didn’t notice until it was too late). I didn’t understand when my mom would complain about greasy food hurting her stomach or got why my dad popped anti-acid pulls before and after a big meal like they were candy.
And then, well, I got acid reflux for the first time.
Now, I don’t mean to be dramatic (kidding, I totally mean to be dramatic) but acid reflux is maybe the worst thing that can happen to you. I mean, here you are, living your best life, scarfing down some enchiladas, an entire deep dish, or a whole plate of mac ‘n’ cheese, when suddenly your stomach decides that, no. You’re no longer allowed to eat like a trash human. Basically, when you eat a whole bunch (or just a whole bunch of garbage) your stomach acid splashes up into your esophagus, causing your chest and throat to hurt, you to cough of disgusting tasting mucus, and have a general sense of “am I dying” feeling wash over you.
I honestly never thought it would happen to me. Why would I think that? I was young. I loved carbs. Only old people deal with shit like heartburn and stomach acid coating your throat.
The first time it happened, I took a whole bunch of allergy medication, looked up the closest hospital, and made my friend promise that she’d get me there if I went into anaphylactic shock. It wasn’t until a few nights later when I stuffed my face with 2.5 servings of pasta while laying horizontal on the couch, however, that I had a feeling something else might be up. I brought up WebMD as I always do in situations where I think I’m dying, and typed in my symptoms. After the detectives over at HQ (and by that, I mean the people who write the shit on the website) gave me some insight, I realize that I wasn’t having an allergic reaction and I wasn’t dying.
I was just a fucking pig.
A lot has changed since the first time I got AR two years ago. I eat fewer chimichangas and more open-faced turkey sandwiches on sprouted grain bread. I limit my alcohol intake to the weekends, and my shot limit is usually around three. I always have an absurd amount of Tums in my bag and Pepcid in my medicine cabinet in case something offending touches my lips and I’m subjected to hours of pain and force everyone around me to deal with my complaining.
In short, getting acid reflux was my very first slap in the face that getting older sucks ass. If you’ve not yet been subjected to the pain of getting older, hold on. Enjoy your youth. Because before we all know it, our insides are going to prolapse, our sex drives are going to disappear, and fried food will be a thing of our pasts.
Fuck us, right?.
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
GERD sufferer and Esophageal cancer survivor here. Some days I’d gladly take death
Esophageal cancer runs in my wife’s family. Her Dad died of it sadly. Her uncle beat it but died of a heart attack. Glad you’re still with us.
Sorry to hear that bro. I was diagnosed with GERD in 3rd Grade. Keeping the cancer away is the goal. Glad you are still with us too. Thoughts and prayers.
Taking tums before a night out. PGP
also helps with hangovers. may be placebo though and i’m just not drinking as much
Sounds well deserved for ordering pepperoni pineapple pizza.
Pineapple does not go on pizza
This is why I have a “tums” budget every month
I’m fortunate, my body only penalizes me for gluttony with bowel movements that are unGodly in their frequency and ferocity.
I would take that, mine are few and far between.
Preach. GERD sufferer as well. I would give every last cent I have to my name to not have it. I take Prilosec exponentially more often than any human should. The damage it will do to my body beats out esophageal cancer any day of the week.
Same. I take a Prilosec every day.
Not trying to tell you how to live your life but I suffered from Acid Reflux for a handful of years and I’m able to manage it without medication. If you smoke…stop, if you drink daily…stop (I know this doesn’t sound fun) the reason is that drugs like nicotine, alcohol, and even caffeine relax the esophageal muscles and the muscle that allows food to go into the stomach which then allows stomach acid to come back up. Additionally, when you eat greasy or hi carb foods its harder on your body to break it down which in turn results in your stomach producing more bile to help break down the food and combined with the mentioned before, its a one way ticket to lava throat in the middle of the night. Eat more greens and always give yourself 2-3 hours after each meal before laying down and going to bed.
Been on a prescription since I was a junior in HS. As long as I don’t miss a day or two I’m good, but when it’s bad even water brings on the heartburn. The wife finally got it a few months ago after a few too many sex on the beaches. Now she gets it….
My brother has had AR his whole life, and I was a huge jerk and made fun of him because “it couldn’t really be that bad.” As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started having reflux issues and I immediately felt horrible for what a jerk I had been. Seriously, it’s the worst.
Had acid reflux for a little over 10 years now. Used to pop TUMS like they were candy and had many nights where I wished for death.
Try Zantac twice a day, one before breakfast and one before dinner. Been doing that for years and it usually helps.