A Very Millennial Halloween!

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It’s the end of October! Isn’t it great? Football, playoff baseball, fake pumpkin flavored sugar drinks, the NBA, fake pumpkin flavored ice cream, real blumpkin flavored condoms, we really have it all these days. And of course the shorter days, colder weather and changing leaves remind us all that only death is certain.

And let’s not forget Halloween! Nestled gently in the autumnal bosom between the far superior holidays of Labor Day and Thanksgiving is a religious celebration that has taken a drastic turn for the surreal. The main function of today’s Halloween celebrations is to kill off diabetics with poor self control.

So why do we, as fun-loving and still-sort-of-youthful millennials love Halloween so much? Most likely a combination of wistful college celebrations and halcyon days of carefree youth. Haha just kidding, it’s an awesome excuse to abuse substances and have sex with strangers. Like Mardi Gras, except dumber.

Read on for all the hottest trends and activities that the dopest post graduates will be participating in during the upcoming festivities!

1. Office Costume Parties!

Your HR lady constantly talks about “culture”, and each one of your many managers always talks about how great of a team you have, how everyone gels and it’s due to the corporate mandated activities like these! So obviously you should take this opportunity to demonstrate how “woke” you are and debase everyone for their costume choices. You can be offended by anything if you’re creative enough. “Oh really, Helen? A sexy cat? What other ancient Egyptian deities are you going to appropriate this week?” and so on.

2. Jack-O-Lanterns!

Who doesn’t love to cut open a gourd and pull out all the entrails? Almost everyone. But the best part is that since these are temporary decorations and you are not as good of an artist as you think you are, this is the perfect time to carve out the letters that make up your worst opinions. Want to confound the neighbors? Spell out “TYLER PERRY IS UNDERRATED” in pumpkins. They won’t come ask to borrow your hedge clippers anymore, that’s for sure. Plus, you can microwave pumpkins and then stick your dick in them.

3. Trick Or Treating! (Part One)

A really good way to spend Halloween is to go around your neighborhood and find any houses that have just left the candy bowl outside and hide dildos in the pile confectionary goodness. Why? Because I said so you dipshit. Furthermore, sloth is a deadly sin and Jesus Christ was pretty specific about the merits of being neighborly, so fuck these people that are too lazy and standoffish to participate in what is easily the worst major American holiday. Bonus points if you do this in an assless fur suit.

4. Watch A Scary Movie!

Hocus Pocus is on constantly. I don’t really have a joke here, that’s just a good movie. I get a kick out of those two bullies, they’re hilarious. Also, as your pumpkins suggest, Boo! A Madea Halloween is criminally underrated.

5. Trick Or Treating! (Part Two)

It’s getting later in the day and you’re tired of having to sit in your cubicle while wearing a costume. Plus your performance reviews were pretty bad this year and it doesn’t look like you’ll be getting that holiday bonus you need, so let’s use the costume to your advantage! Your first costume should be big and bulky to hide the different, smaller costume and mask underneath. Leave at an appropriate time and appear to drive away, but return and lurk in the bushes. When your boss leaves with the box of petty cash, that’s when you emerge, pillowcase full of doorknobs swinging! Abscond with your booty, ditch the new costume and mask, don the original one you have stashed in your car, then GO BACK to offer assistance under the guise of having left something in the office. It’ll work, trust me.

6. Enjoy Candy!

By candy, I obviously mean hallucinogens. Look, most of the things that are “spooky” about this holiday aren’t really all that scary, they’re just kitschy. So to truly enjoy the season, you should take some mind altering substances and make those skeletons and goblins come to life! Imagine how much more fun Halloween would be if giant spiders and talking pumpkins appeared real, and you smashing every pumpkin you can see was actually a defense mechanism because they kept shouting things at you like “you’re a failure” and “Bush did 9/11.” You’d at least be able to plead temporary insanity for whatever destruction you caused.

7. Celebrate Día De Los Muertos!

Our neighbors to the south have a much more significant and culturally important celebration for All Hallow’s Day, which involves a several-days long event steeped in tradition and religious reverence. Also, the cops are looking for a sex predator and robber/assailant, both of which happen to be you, so it makes sense to get on down to our non-extradition brethren and cool your heels for a bit.

So there you have it! The perfect plan to make the most of this weird and nonsensical celebration. Enjoy yourselves and be safe!.

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