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It’s Saturday night and Girl 1, Girl 2, and Girl 3 are hitting the town with Jeff, who met Girl 1 at the bar the night prior. Girl 1 isn’t positive, but she thinks they may have made out the night before at Jeff’s apartment where she woke up at 6 a.m. that morning. They did. After getting ready, the girls are drinking in the kitchen of Girl 2’s apartment. In a fit of urgency to see Jeff, Girl 1 requests an Uber that arrives 8 minutes later. The following transpires.
Girl 1: Ubez is here! Felipe in a Kia Sorrento!
Girl 2 (screaming): Wait, where’s my clutch?
Girl 3: Let me finish this drink, you bitches!
Girl 1: Just put it in a roadie cup and bring it with you! We need to hurry!
Girl 2 (screaming): Guys, I can’t find my clutch!
Girl 1: We have to goooooo.
Girl 3: Where are we going again?
Girl 1: Ugh, Idk, let me text Jeff again and see.
Girl 2 (screaming): Where’s my fucking clutchhhhhhhh?
Girl 1: We have to go! I have a five-star rating and I’m not going to fuck that up because Felipe has to wait for you bitches to get ready.
Girl 1 exits and hobbles to the curb looking for Felipe who is around the corner where Girl 1 mistakenly dropped the location pin rather than in front of her apartment.
Girl 3: Oh my God, fuck, I’m going to puke from chugging the rest of that vodka & Diet.
Girl 2 (screaming): Found it!
Girl 3: Where was it?
Girl 2 (screaming): On the island in the kitchen next to my charger, duhhhhhhh.
Girl 1 angrily texts her friends while standing on curb waiting for Felipe, who is still waiting at the specified location. Girl 2 and Girl 3 stumble down the stairs and exit apartment.
Girl 2 (screaming): What the fuckkkkkkkkk.
Girl 3: I thought he was here!
Girl 1: It says he’s fucking here. Ugh, I’m calling him.
Girl 1 calls Felipe, quickly realizes she provided the wrong location after giraffe-walking in her heels to the corner only to see a black Kia Sorrento parked with its hazard lights on. The girls pile in. Girl 1 in the front seat, Girl 2 and Girl 3 in the back seat.
Girl 1: Heyyyyyyyyy Felipe!
Felipe: Where to, ladies?
Girl 1: Jeff isn’t responding, just head down 5th street towards Main.
Girl 3: Felipe, babe, do you have an iPhone 6 charger?
Felipe: Which one is that? Is that the same one as the iPhone 5?
Girl 3: I don’t knowww, I have an iPhone 6. It’s, like, the little one.
Girl 2 (screaming): Can I plug my Spotify in?!?
Felipe rolls eyes, hands aux cord to Girl 2 who puts on “Roses” by The Chainsmokers. Felipe turns volume down to 8 and puts both hands on the wheel. Girl 1 turns to center console and turns volume up to 22.
Girl 1: I. Fucking. LOVE. This. Song.
Girl 3: Felipeeeee, who is the drunkest person you’ve driven tonight?
Felipe: Ha, not too sure, everyone has been partying tonight.
Felipe’s Inner Monologue: “You.”
Girl 1: Ughhhh. Jefffffffffff. Fucking respond already. Felipe, take a left on Main and then turn right at the light and continue down Packard for a while.
Girl 2 (screaming): Felipe, I’ve like, totally thought about becoming a weekend Uber driver to make some extra money. Like, is it hard?
Felipe ignores the question.
Girl 1: Felipe, can you see my Uber rating? I’m like positive I have 5 stars.
Felipe: I can but I can only see it before you get in so I’m not sure what it is.
Felipe did, in fact, check. Girl 1 has a 4.2 rating.
Girl 1: I totally have 5 stars. You can like email Uber and ask them.
Girl 2 (screaming while looking at Girl 3): I know I told you this earlier, but I LOVE your earrings.
Girl 3: Right? They are Catherine’s. She let me borrow them like a week ago and I love them.
Catherine let Girl 3 borrow them two months ago and is livid she hasn’t gotten them back despite her numerous texts to Girl 3 that read, “Hey, do you still have my earrings? They were a gift from my mom and I’d love to get them back before anything happens to them.” Girl 3 hasn’t responded yet.
Girl 2 (screaming): Hola, Felipe! Can you turn down-o the aire conditioning-o? It’s frio as hell in here!
Felipe (to Girl 1): Okay, do you have a location yet?
Girl 1: Oh my God. I am SO sorry. Let me enter it. Like, I am SO sorry.
Girl 1 enters a location that they passed three stoplights ago based on an Instagram post Jeff put up 4 hours prior.
Girl 3: Felipeeeeee. Are you going to give us 5 stars? You’ve been, like, such a sweetheart.
Felipe: Oh, absolutely, I always give 5 stars unless the person throws up or something.
Felipe feels a sense of guilt because he knows he’s going to give Girl 1 4 stars based on Girl 2’s attempt at speaking Spanish. Felipe was born in Philadelphia and moved to Austin four years ago, never having lived in a Spanish speaking country.
Felipe’s Kia Sorrento pulls up to the bar Girl 1 entered, about a quarter-block before the entrance.
Felipe: Alright, ladies. Is here alright?
Girl 2 (screaming): Felipe, can you be a dear and pull up further? My heels are the worst!
Felipe waits two minutes behind a swarm of other Ubers only to pull up ten feet before Girl 2 chimes in again.
Girl 2 (screaming): Felipe, that’s perf! You’re toooootally getting 5 stars!
Girl 1: Byeeeeeeeee, Felipe!
Girl 3: Thanks, Felipe! I hope you have a great night!
Girl 2: Adios, Felipe!
Felipe: Have a great night, ladies!
After the girls exit the car, Felipe puts his forehead on the steering wheel and reluctantly accepts a ride request from an “Elizabeth” with a 4.1 rating who is stumbling out of the bar Girl 1, Girl 2, and Girl 3 just entered.
Felipe: Fuck. .
Image via YouTube
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I hate Girl 2
And yet that’s often the girl I end up with.
JEFF, RUN!!!!!!
Will, I think you hate women. And I love it.
“Haters are just confused admirers.” – Drake