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A few months ago, a coworker and I were making a routine trip from the office to a nearby hardware store to pick up some supplies for an upcoming job. It had been really busy at the office, and I slouched into the passenger seat as my temples throbbed from stressful day. My coworker looked over at me, grinned, and said “I think I have something that might help you out a little bit.”
He passed me the oblong silver object, and I immediately knew that it was a dab pen. I gave him a puzzled look, to which he said “Don’t worry man, it’s fine. I puff on this every now and then when it’s a tough day.” I knew this guy wasn’t going to rat me out to management or anything, but it still just seemed so wrong. Still, I put the pen up to my lips and took a pretty big rip of it. Immediately, the color flushed out of my coworker’s face.
“Dude, that was way too much! This is a custom pen, it’s like five times stronger than the normal ones! I’m so sorry, I forgot to tell you.” Well, fuck. I started to feel a little funny as we rounded the corner into our office park, and I knew that I was in for a strange day. A glance at my phone told me that it was 12:25, which meant I’d have to make it through four and a half hours. How bad could that be?
Oh boy. I don’t feel too out of it yet, but I just had to turn down the brightness on my computer screen. It’s just so unbelievably bright and colorful. Is there any way to make the screen…more boring and grayscale? The chat and search icons on my work email account are just getting too vibrant for my taste.
I’m about to finish my fourth bottle of water this afternoon, and I know I’ll be headed to the bathroom for the third time before long. Do my coworkers think I’m weird for heading to the bathroom this much? I can’t have them thinking I have a weak bladder or something. How am I ever going to negotiate a raise if they think my bladder is weak? I’m starting to have quite a bit of trouble focusing on documents I have in front of me, but that’s not really anything out of the ordinary.
I’m hungry enough to eat a horse, but I’m probably not in any condition to drive. Thankfully, a quick visit to Uber Eats has $15 worth of Schlotzy’s Deli headed my way. I’m just glad I didn’t have to make a phone call to order my food. I would not have been able to do that in my state.
“Hey Wes, can you make a quick phone call to a vendor?” No, I absolutely cannot. Still, I’ve got to give this a try. I look over at my phone, then at my supervisor. “Yes,” I respond. “Yes. I can make the call on the phone. I can do that. Yeah.” He gives me a puzzled look, but is too busy to worry about my strange behavior. “Cool, thanks man.”
To my great surprise, I made it through the call without any problems. For all I know, however, I could’ve botched the whole thing. Guess I’ll find out soon enough. More importantly, though, where is my goddamn food? A look at Uber Eats tells me that I forgot to place the order. I curse my own stupidity, then begin the waiting game all over again.
Finally, my sandwiches have arrived. I opted to head out to my car to eat the food, as I figured that nobody would want to see my absolutely demolish my Pastrami Reuben and Albuquerque Turkey sandwiches. That was a good call, because I didn’t even stop to breathe in between huge bites.
Thankfully, the work day is really slow. However, my heart stops when I look at my phone to see a text from my boss. “Hey man, can you come by my office when you have a minute?”
He KNOWS. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Was I going to be reprimanded for this? Fired? How can I explain to him that I didn’t mean to get that high? I guess being high at all while on the job is a no-go, but I didn’t ask for this! After staring at my phone for a little longer, I got up and headed over to his office.
“Hello (Boss), what can I do for you?” “Hey Wes,” he replies. “Come check out this video, it’s hilarious.” Whew. Turns out I was worried for nothing. He clicks play on what turns out to be some dumb Jimmy Fallon sketch, but in my state I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. By the end of the video, tears are welling up in my eyes and my boss is giving me a strange look. “Well,” he says, “I’m…glad you liked it.”
After returning to my side of the office, I spend the next ten minutes stifling residual laughter from the funny video. Before long, the high starts to wear off and I’m able to be a person for the rest of the day.
I don’t know whether there’s a lesson to be learned here or not, but that was the last time I touched any substances while on the clock..