A Summer Guide To Weddings

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June is here, and that means it’s time to socially bid farewell to a friend or welcome a new family member to your clan via a marriage ceremony. While some weddings can be a drag, most have the potential to be some of the best parties you’ll go to all summer.

How much should you drink beforehand?

Resist the urge to get crocked like you’re tailgating in an NFL stadium parking lot. Once you get inside the reception, the beers aren’t going to be $18 a piece. Hopefully, at least beer and wine will be free. (If they’re not, and you know that to be the case, feel free to check the ol’ “regretfully cannot attend” box on the RSVP.) God willing, it might be a completely open bar. If you’re like me, nothing brings on consumption super powers like drinking in a suit–except for maybe drinking without a shirt on. Both just feel so natural and meant to be.

Try to go easy so you can take advantage of the sauce buffet and don’t end up blacked out in a stall, covered in your own vomit, for somebody’s grandfather to find when he needs to take a shit in the handicrapper. I’d say four domestic cans while you get dressed and wait for a ride to the venue and one roadie for the car is pretty reasonable. That ends up to be 12 ounces short of a six pack, and if you didn’t drink a six pack, that doesn’t count as drinking at all. You’re totally being responsible as fuck.

Yes, you should wear a suit.

I’m not a suit guy. I never have a need or a want for them. However, tossing one on once in a while gives you that “damn, I look good” moment, and it makes said cold ones taste that much better. Try to wear one that fits. If you got fat since the last time you buttoned up and don’t want to invest in some fresh threads, get that shit let out by a tailor for about $10. Comfort is important. Weddings are a combination of stuffing yourself and moving around at the same time. Conversely, don’t borrow something for your buddy that makes you look like a 5-year-old playing dress up in your daddy’s closet. If you do want to cop something new, a great option is H&M, where you can walk out with something that’ll more than do the job for less than $100. The suit might not last a lifetime, but it won’t need to take a licking while hanging in your closet for another year.

Shoes could be a problem.

Need shoes? Yeah, this a problem. If you have some “dress” shoes and never wear them, chances are, they’re outdated. You might say, “What, they’re just black dress shoes. What’s the difference?” The difference, aesthetically, can be huge. That’s like asking if your dad’s formerly white, grass stained New Balances and a pair of Air Jordan IVs are both just sneakers. But I feel your pain. Dropping more coin on hard bottoms sucks a dick. For me, they’ll never get worn. If I do get “dressed up,” it’s usually in jeans, a suit jacket, a white shirt, and a pair of Red Wings. Here’s a solution:

Get yourself a fresh out of the box pair of Vans Authentics in navy or black for $45, have your tailor take your pants up to a “no break” length at the cuffs for a slight ankle, and rock ‘em with no socks or something colorful, as long as the rest of your ensemble is muted in grays, blacks, and blues. This is totally acceptable–you’ll get compliments, other guys will be jealous they didn’t know how to pull it off correctly, and now you have fresh beaters for the summer. Don’t be afraid to wear some pansy ass no show ballet slipper socks so your dogs don’t stink. If you go home with a girl, try to slip them off into the shoe while you take the sneakers off. While functional, those socks look about as masculine as a lacy, pink thong.

Oh, and pair your Vans with a canvas belt. It makes your decision to wear them appear deliberate and thought out as opposed to you just being lazy.

Eating is key.

Hit the passed hors d’oeuvres hard and heavy. Unless there’s some sort of surf ‘n’ turf situation from an oil tycoon’s daughter happening later, there’s no need to save room. Mini crab cakes, bacon wrapped scallops, cheese cubes, shrimp things, and meat skewers deserve the prime real estate in your gut, and they will give you the strength to plow through to the end of the event like a champion. It’s responsible eating for responsible binge drinking to the fucking maximum on the back nine.

The actual dinner portion could start at who knows when, and once you’re sloshed on an empty stomach, there’s no turning back. Also, sitting at a table with possible strangers when you’re fucked up, dying to maintain at the bar with a scotch, is pure torture.

To bring a date or not to bring a date?

If you’re single, weddings can be a prime opportunity to cruise for lonelies, but while it may seem like such a waste to bring a lunch from home, you have to remember:

1. You’re not in “Wedding Crashers.” Chicks don’t go to weddings specifically with the goal of getting a night filling by some drunk asshole with frosting on his jacket. Unless you’re actually Vince Vaughn in real life.

2. You’re not the only guy with the idea of snagging a sippy in a cocktail dress. There will be “desperate 2 a.m. at the bar”-style competition to crush something, and that gets really stressful.

3. Women love to bring dates, so your odds are stacked against you.

4. You can’t get blackout drunk if you want to close with a random at the end of the night. Lunch from home ain’t goin’ anywhere, whether you blacked out or not. (Probably.)

5. If you’re in a relationship and sex has gotten stale, nothing screams “do some new, nasty shit” like a hotel room combined with excessive alcohol, all that marriage and love crap, and the both of you looking your best that night.

6. But, if you want to walk up in that bitch like a cowboy and take the town’s gold, good on you, gunslinger. I applaud that level of confidence.

Coffee is for closers. 

When the coffee comes out, you may feel like, “Fuck that, free booze. FUCK coffee.”

In a sense, you’re right. Free booze is free booze. That’s why I take my coffee over to the bartender to get the Irish treatment for a mainline pick-me-up while looking all responsible as fuck to the “adults” at coffee and cake time.

Seriously, coffee and whiskey while you closet smoke off to the side is pure pleasure.

Join in on the dancing.

What are you, too cool for Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock’s “It Takes Two?” Get the fuck out of here. Get on the floor and go bonkers with somebody’s grandma. Just try to keep your shirt on. We had an incident at my buddy Karl’s wedding where one of the groomsmen decided to tear his entire tux to ribbons. As much as I enjoy watching that type of behavior, try not to be that guy. He’s fun to watch, but not to be.

Shots.

If I’m going to do shots, it has to be worth it–like tossing them back with somebody’s Ron White-esque uncle.

These are my favorite people to make friends with at a wedding, and nothing says “brand new buddies for life” like doing shots with this guy when no one else has the stones. Don’t complain. Let him pick what you’re shootin’ and be a fucking man about it. He’s probably divorced, will say inappropriate, funny shit, bum from or bum you smokes, and is most likely cool with pot. Best of all, he doesn’t want to talk about boring shit like your job or people’s snoozefest kids–he would rather discuss important things like baseball, the NHL playoffs, or the new Camaro he just crashed into the clubhouse after a 6 a.m. tee time turned into a bender.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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