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Oh Elite Daily, never change. And by “never change” I mean, never stop giving me delusional takes for fodder to pick apart. In this installment of “out of touch advice for dating millennials,” we have some queries for nervous among you to break the ice on the first date. If your personality sucks and you’re not creative enough to think a good brainteaser, desert island, or fuck/marry/kill to break the tension, they’ve has you covered.
Billed as the author’s “go-to questions to ask on a date that are guaranteed to turn an awkward silence into a good conversation,” here is how a sarcastic asshole like myself would answer these questions on a first date in an attempt to subtly undermine her confidence and indicate that I know how blase and basic she’s being.
1. What’s something people wouldn’t guess just by looking at you?
You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I can run really fast. Also, I have a Seinfeld quote for any occasion, so there’s that.
2. When you were growing up, what was your favorite TV show?
Well excluding the obvious, I’d have to say Where in the World is Carmen San Diego. I still how this show went on for years, given that the clues she left were fairly easy for 4-year-old me to solve.
3. Where is somewhere you’ve always wanted to travel to all by yourself?
Does backstage at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. No? Okay.
4. Where have you traveled to? And where do you want to go next?
I once spent a week straight in the back of an SUV with my brother while my dad angrily insisted that he was fine after driving for eight hours straight, and my mom tried to break the tension by guilting us into putting down our Gameboys and talking as a family. So the next place I’d like to travel is the deserted island from Cast Away with a flare gun for when the next season of Game of Thrones starts and I need to get back to cable.
5. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
Quit my job to spend the rest of my life sitting on my ass playing video games. 10/10, would do it again. Unfortunately, my parents started cramping my style demanding I “get a job” so I could “pay the rent” and not “be a vagrant.”
6. If you could have any talent in the world, what would it be?
The ability to convince anyone in the world to do what I wanted. Or be able to play the guitar.
7. What’s something you’re terrible at?
Being self-deprecating. I just can’t do it no matter how hard I try, so I guess I should just give up.
8. What’s something “weird” you believe in that most people don’t?
Michael Jackson peaked in the Jackson 5. His solo career is the most overrated thing of anything ever.
9. Which fictional character do you relate the most to?
Donald Trump.
10. What are some things that really make you laugh?
Watching small children or old people get hit with something or fall and get hurt. I once saw an elderly man slip on a plastic bag in Montreal and nearly do a Charlie Brown flip. Still funnier to me than Super Troopers.
11. What’s something that comes easier to you than it does for most?
Your girlfriend. BOOM.
12. What’s your favorite place in the world?
Your girlfriend’s place. God, I’m on fire.
13. What’s the most crazy thing you’ve ever done?
Your girlfriend. Three for three, he can’t be stopped!
14. Did you have any weird or quirky habits as a kid?
I had an imaginary friend, which is pretty normal. The weird thing is that he was always saying that his mom, who was also imaginary, wouldn’t let him play with me because I was a “bad influence.”
15. Do you consider yourself an adventurous person? Provide receipts please.
I am as adventurous as a guy with IBS at an Indian restaurant. My last Amazon order was for new pillowcases, pens, and Tic Tacs because I was unwilling to leave my house even one time over a long weekend to go to the store.
16. What’s something you used to do as a kid that you really miss now?
Trick-or-treating. This is a serious answer, and I’m calling on all my millennial friends to figure out a way to make adult trick-or-treating happen by this October.
17. If you could become anyone for a day, who would you be?
Ivanka Trump. She’s the closest person to our President in the world and I just have to know…he’s definitely trolling us right? Or is he actually as unhinged in private as he is on social media?
18. What is something you feel really passionate about?
Get Out is the most overrated movie ever that relies so heavily on its socio-political implications that everyone is afraid to criticize it. The acting and directing aren’t bad, but they also aren’t particularly mind-blowing, and at the end of the day it’s a story about body snatching. Take away the underlying commentary and this is just a well-made B movie from the SciFy channel. If it wins best picture, I will smash something.
19. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done for the sake of love?
Everything.
20. What stereotype about men/women do you hate the most?
That men are disgusting pigs with no self-control who are only obsessed with sex and will go to depraved depths to get the slightest bit of sexual attention from an attractive girl. This stereotype is 100% true, but still hurts.
21. Who in your life has been the most influential for you?
Moe Syzlak from The Simpsons is easily the most apt depiction of my dating life up until four months ago. Now he serves as a cautionary tale.
22. What are three things you want to have accomplished before you die?
Eat an entire pizza by myself in one sitting. Get retweeted/mentioned by a celebrity. Have someone who dumped me or rejected me admit, publicly, that they made a huge mistake.
23. What’s the best advice anyone has ever given you?
“Who gives a shit man, just do it.” My college roommate and best friend, Beau.
24. What in your life are you most grateful for?
My family. My dad is the example of what it means to be a man and always inspires me. My little brother is my best friend in the world, and always keeps me grounded. My mom is just the best person in the world. Yes, better than Obama, the Pope, or anyone else’s mom.
Just kidding, I’m most grateful for the Marvel Cinematic Universe, which gave purpose to my life.
25. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Terry Crews liked a tweet of mine once. Also, the fact that some people think I’m smart and funny enough to publish my inner ramblings. And then other people click buttons to show me that they also think I’m smart and funny.
26 Do you think you have a purpose in life?
No, because the goddamn Department of Fish and Wildlife says that I need a tank of at least one million gallons to house the–oh you said “purpose.” No, probably not.
27. What’s one fear you know is holding you back?
Spiders. The only reason I’m not holding the Jade Amulet in my hands with the powers of the ancient Sumerian Gods is that the entrance to that temple is covered in damn spiders.
28. What makes you feel the most fulfilled?
Watching my enemies fail as I laugh maniacally.
29. What is the number one thing in your life that you are not doing that you wish you were?
Eating keto. But then I see sugar and carbs and think, eh.
30. What has been your bravest moment in life?
Age 14. Taking off my shirt to go swimming in front of about 20-30 14-year-old girls.
31. Have you ever been to arrested or gone to prison?
Pretty much sums it up. .
[via Elite Daily]
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Always love articles like this to remind me how thankful I should be to not be single. Now I just have to field questions from the wife like “why do you poop so much?” And “on what planet do you think buying a new truck is a good idea?” And “are you really that big of an idiot?”
“Where did this beer come from?”, “Another rifle?”, “Why is there hockey on every night?” and “Who taught you to fold laundry?” are all some hits from just this week.
You could start a weekly column with those weekly questions
I am a man of the people. If you want to know the questions your pal CIB faces on a weekly basis, then who am I to deny them. I’m putting you on notice PGP’ers, content is coming.
Your wife sounds suspiciously like my wife. Hmmm.
Wife: “Why won’t you just do what I ask you?”
Me: “Because it’s more fun this way.”
My wife has said to act my age and not my penis size!
If she’s talking about millimeters, then you probably do act your age.
Is that her way of calling you a toddler?
You’ve never finished a pizza by yourself? You need to fix that asap
Why is everyone else so bad at eating?
Dillon cheverere replied to one of my tweets one time. Does that count as a celebrity?
Slowing seeing more and more political jabs in PGP articles. I hope this trend slows down as this is a great place to get away from everything else on the internet that is consumed by Trump.
slowly*** need edit button
Definitely agree with your take on Get Out. It wasn’t terrible, but for how hyped up it was, there was hardly any plot! Underwhelmed for sure.
Completely agree. Was it a bad movie? Not at all. Does it deserve a nod for best picture? Hell no.
Baby Driver, Thor: Ragnarok, Logan, Blade Runner 2049 all more deserving.
I can reject you and later regret it on my Twitter . Let me know
Strong but respectfully – Disagree on “Get Out”…What’s being awarded/acknowledged is the film’s take (guilt) on society’s overt/covert racism still embedded in our country’s fabric.
How many films have addressed said issue in such a entertaining fashion? Most likely stylistically/tonally done so that it didn’t just appeal to only a “black audience”.
P.S.
Love your “Meet Cutes”!
Well the sunken place scene is iconic and will be parodied for years to come, and the film itself brings back twilight zone and Hitchcock vibes, which the academy nuts itself over any self referential or throwback material.