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Dear Twitter,
As you probably know, I have been an avid user of your service since 2011. I can still remember my egg profile picture that stayed up for a week while I scoured my computer for a headshot that I didn’t entirely hate. For the past six years, I’ve tweeted the highs and lows in my life, shared pictures only to delete them the next day, and grown my follower count into the triple digits through hard work and dedication to the game. I’ve been faithful to your service always. I never once complaining about the new circle profile pictures, or the addition of the “In Case You Missed It” to my feed. I don’t ask for much, but I need a favor. It is crucial to my well-being that you bump my account up to 280 characters immediately.
I understand that you wanted to roll out this new feature with celebs and the blue checks before introducing it to the masses. They have an audience of millions while I’m sitting on a solid 350. There’s a huge gap, but I feel like my quality content should count for something. Who else is going to live-tweet me getting delayed in the Atlanta airport, or provide bullshit social commentary that no one asked for? I’m not saying it’s an easy job, but someone has to do it, and I’ve been self-appointed.
At this point, 140 characters has grown stale. I’m tired of having to rely on the ampersand and crude abbreviations to make my thoughts fit into one tweet. I need the 280 to accurately convey how disappointed I am with this dreary weather or share a story about the rude cashier at Sephora. The opportunities are really endless, all the fire tweets I’ve been holding back may be ready to leave my draft folder with a little tweaking and additions. So really, this request isn’t really for my benefit, but for that of my followers. They’re counting on me to deliver, and the current constraints are too much.
Just the other day, I got 14 likes on a tweet calling out a creepy guy online. I can’t help but wonder if a doubled word count wouldn’t have made it 28 likes. It’s sad that we’ll never get to find out. Tomorrow is a new day though. I have more dumb shit going on in my life that I’ll certainly be willing to overshare on.
I know it would be an empty threat to say I’m going back to Facebook with their unrestricted posting. It’s an obvious lie, because no one under the age of 40 really wants to be actively using Facebook anymore. Plus, me joking about killing myself after a botched eyebrow waxing on Facebook will just generate concerned messages from relatives instead of retweets.
I want to do this the right way. I know there is an excess of backdoor methods popping up on the internet for “hacking” your twitter to bypass the 140 limit. I learned enough in my one semester of computer engineering courses to maybe get this to work, but I don’t want to stoop that low. I’ve earned the right to be appointed this new update, I don’t deserve to be working in the dark like a sewer rat scrounging for digital scraps.
If you can find it in your big, publicly traded heart, to grant me the gift of an increased online voice, I promise my first 280-character tweet will be a thank you to Twitter, Inc. looking out for the little guy.
Much Love,
Respond
Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
@backpackfanclub
@instagram
Without reading this and based off your previous articles, you don’t need 280 characters.
Jack and the gang over at Twitter HQ felt it was necessary to give me (@ArrowZeppelin!) 280 characters so I can more clearly convey my Twitter message to the couple dozen friends and hundred or so porn bots that follow my account. Guess you just need to grow your influence like me so you can write more in-depth 69 jokes and meandering rants aimed at John Lackey telling him to go fuck himself.
People still use Twitter?