A Preemptive Apology From An Alumnus Coming Back Into Town For Football

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The purpose of this correspondence is to apologize in advance for what will likely be an uncomfortable situation for you and I over the next four months. As you are aware, we are about to be balls deep in a great American tradition: college football. With college football comes great responsibility, as it is a privilege, and not a right. That is why I’m apologizing, in advance, for any actions that occur as a result of me saying “Fuck it” and coming into town for some football.

To the good citizens of the town that are just making a living and supporting the home team, I am sorry. There’s a very good chance that at some point on Friday night, Saturday morning, and Saturday evening, a band of ruffian degenerates will blow through your grocery store, gas station, or restaurant like a mother fucking hurricane. Our shirts will be unbuttoned, our eyes will be glazed over, and our voices will be unnecessarily loud. Our appearance will be disheveled, and our topic of conversation will very likely be inappropriate for public consumption. For this, I apologize.

To the young ladies tailgating that want nothing to do with a 25-year-old retired frat star bragging about his oil and gas job, I apologize. You deserve better than having some guy you don’t know (me), and don’t care to know (me again), approach you and start bragging about when he was in school. I know that you don’t care that I was vice president of the fraternity you’re tailgating with and that I was a big part in turning that chapter around. I’m normally very good at picking up on social cues, but for some reason, I won’t take the hint that you want nothing to do with me. For that, I’m sorry.

To the young men that are in school living life to the fullest each and every day, I’m really sorry. I’m only a few years removed from being in your shoes, and seeing you all, bright eyed without a care in the world, makes me a little jealous. Please know that I’m normally not a complete asshole, but seeing your ability to drink all day and all night without any consequences makes me bitter. You little dickheads need to enjoy it while it lasts, because when it ends, it ends hard. With that being said, if any of you have any Adderall or know any girls interested in older, out of shape dudes making decent money, please let a player know. I know you’re lying, but either way, I again apologize.

To the girls (if any) that I have previously hooked up with that are still in school, I offer my sincerest apologies. Did we have thing one night when I was a senior and you were freshman? We did. And at the time, did I blow you off because I was in an end of college crisis? Yes. Will I try to get your number from one of the younger guys, or approach you like everything is cool if I see you out at the bar after the game? Yes. For that, and for the other stuff, I apologize. You know, I’m probably going to be making 6 figs in the next couple years. What’s your plan after college? What was your major again? You’re not seeing anybody now, are you? You should call me if you ever vis–I’ll stop. Again, I’m sorry.

Finally, to myself, I apologize. You work hard all week, and there’s a better than zero chance that this weekend will set you back days, if not weeks. Financially, morally, and spiritually. The damage you do to yourself during a 48 hour trip will be unprecedented. The legacy you left behind in college will surely be tarnished, and you’ll spend days working around the clock to rehab your image. For that, self, I am truly sorry. Just know that I regret none of it, and I stand by my actions. Now, let’s go watch sports..

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Adrian Smeltre